FROM: BKI HEAD DIVISION
CLASSIFIED/INTERNAL BRANCH MEMO ONLY/ DO NOT CIRCULATE
CONCERNING CASE #10446-R (So-called "The Kristian!" 10-9-2006)
Notice
to all agents connected to Case #10446-R -Multiple sightings from
several verified sources indicate so-called "The Kristian!" is
currently living on campus at Tennessee Tech in Room 417, Peach Tree
Ave.,Cookeville, TN. The following orders are now issued:
1.1- No
agent(s) connected to case #10446-R will be authorized to issue public
statements regarding any detail(s) of this ongoing investigation, nor
are they authorized to issue statements either confirming or denying
existence of so-called "The Kristian!". Please refer all further public
or media-source inquiries to the BKI Office of Media Relations.
1.2-
Agents are ordered to privately maintain an absolute standard of strict
confidentiality regarding any and all aspects of the ongoing case
investigation. Agents are expressly forbidden in any way to speak,
write, or otherwise transmit any information concerning case specifics,
to insinuate, or to otherwise speculate on any aspect of this
investigation with any person or persons not directly connected to the
ongoing BKI investigation. Agents may only discuss the details of this
case with other members of the investigation team. Any violation of
these edicts will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
THESE POLICY ORDERS SHALL REMAIN IN PLACE UNTIL OR UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED OFFICIALLY BY BKI HEAD DIVISION.
REPORT CONCERNING ANALYSIS OF FACTS RECOVERED FROM THE SCENE OF CASE #10446-R, 10-09-06
-DO NOT CIRCULATE-
1.1-
Suspect, "The Kristian!", has been reported to be in the company of
so-called "Amanda N." and "Rachel H." These subjects are to be
approached with the utmost caution, as they are known for their
belligerence toward the opposite gender. Experts contribute his
survival to his fluffy hair and substantial amount of cash.
1.2-Suspect is believed to listen to the following music artists and bands:
Koop
Slipknot
Smashing Pumpkins
She Wants Revenge
Incubus Muse
Nine Inch Nails
Dir En Grey
My Chemical Romance
Puscifer
1.3- Psychologists have identified suspect to be an INFP according to the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator
1.4-
Suspect has publicly stated on several occasions his personal
preference for Japanese culture and his intent to one day visit.
1.5-
Tell-tale signs of the suspect are as follows: inability to smile when
asked by another person, likes quirky words like "persnickety", has an
obsession with search company Google, cannot say "cookies'n'cream"
without immediately following it up with "bitch" so he avoids females
working at Ben'n'Jerry's at all costs.
1.6- Suspect is usually the only male within a group of females when eating at a restaurant
1.7-
Suspect is a proud sponsor of Kate Beckinsale. Agents are strongly
advised to approach suspect with a small poster with said Kate
Beckinsale for safety measures.
1.8- Current passions and tastes
of note are cooking (consumption of, not production), visual arts of
all media, computer entertainment software DDR.
1.9- Suspect is
currently searching for "girl of my dreams". Said subject is said to
"love to cook, have a hankering for art and music, and share the same
quirks and dark taste that suspect does. She must also be named Kate
Beckinsale."
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