I know I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m definitely not the skinniest. And I certainly don’t have the best personality. I may complain about my life…a lot, but I really love life. There are times where I just want to curl up and disappear, but who doesn’t have those days? I have the best friend anyone could ask for and I have a fairly easy life at home—even if I bitch and moan about it non-stop. I suppose my biggest problem in life would have to be boys.
I have no idea what I do, but I’m always “best friend” material, never “girlfriend” material. They come to me for advice on girls they like, when deep down inside I’m wishing I was that girl. The more they confide in me, the harder I fall. And when I finally get the courage to tell them how I feel, it always backfires.
There was one guy in grade eight that I fell hard for. He was so nice to me and we got along great. We talked everyday in class and always had a ball. Once we got to know each other a little better, we would start hanging out. I felt so accepted and happy, but of course, he only wanted my advice on a girl he liked. Being a good friend, I helped him as much as I could. They ended up dating for a little bit and he could tell that there was something more to me than I was leading on. He never mentioned it, but he was always there for me as a friend. After they broke up I told him that I liked him. Unfortunately, he didn’t share my feelings. He said something like, “I wouldn’t want to ruin a great friendship with a relationship.” I realize now he was just letting me down easy. The only problem was I loved the fact that he was being so nice to me that it was even harder to let go of the dream I had held onto for so long. Although we barely talk any more, I still have some feelings for him.
Despite the pain and minor depression I went through during that year, I wouldn’t change what happened. Grade eight was one of the most memorable years of my life so far. I made friends, lost friends, and stirred up a little drama. It’s the drama that kept me going. It’s weird to think about, but it’s almost as if I thrive off of it.
And through it all I had my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were 2 and 3. We didn’t care too much for each other in our younger days, but as we grew older we realized that we had a bond that no one else seemed to have. I watch my friends at school with their best friends and they just don’t seem to be as close as my best friend and I are. Whenever one of my friends is mad at their best friend, they always complain about it to someone else, and not their best friend. It’s so different with us. If we have a problem with each other we’ll say it. We argue a lot more than other best friends, but it always makes us stronger. We’ve accepted who we are and we’re not afraid to be ourselves when we’re together. She’s always there to talk some sense into me and to let me know when I’m making a mistake. And even if I choose to ignore her advice, she’s there for me anyway. I’m not trying to make it sound like we have the perfect relationship, but it’s pretty darn close.
While I’m on the subject of ignoring her advice, I’ll talk about the most recent boy issue. It started near the beginning of Semester 2 of grade 11. There was a guy in two of my classes that I thought was such a cutie. I’d talk to him in one of my classes because we had ended up sitting near each other. One of the most memorable things about first getting to know him was that he had a mustang. Now, both my best friend and I love mustangs, so when I brought it up, we gave him a couple of nicknames—Mustang boy and Pony boy--because at the time I didn’t know what his name was. So after a little bit of talking to him I started crushing on him. To be completely honest, I was fine with just having a crush on him. I never thought anything would happen until I added him to Facebook. I somewhat regret doing it, but at the same time, I don’t.
We began talking and we were both being fairly flirtatious. I was having a great time and I’m pretty sure he was too. I may be seen as a bad person for what happened between us, but at the time I really didn’t care. I knew he had a girlfriend, and he even came out and told me he did, and yet we continued anyway. We planned to meet up and go out for lunch and what not. Much to my dismay they never happened. Me, being the push over that I am, gave him a second chance. We made so many plans to meet up, but one of us would always screw it up.
Our conversations over MSN would get pretty…sexual. But at the same time I was very cautious. My head wouldn’t let me trust him. Whenever things would start going a little too far, I’d start to pick a fight. I’d crack sarcastic remarks as sort of a defense mechanism. After a little bit of smooth talking he’d break down the defense…but only for a little while. It seemed that whenever I got the chance, I’d pick a fight. Just about anything and everything. But still I kept going back; I was like putty in his hands.
Finally, after about a month of talking and some what getting to know each other, we had a chance to hang out. I waited for his shift at work to be over and then he walked me home. At the moment, that was the best night of my life, but now when I think about it, it’s just a very sad reminder of what I could have had. That night, I got my first kiss. Now after about 2 months, the memory is fading, but it’s still there. At first I was extremely happy, of course. But after he got me home safe and sound, it had started to feel like I was put to a test, one that I failed miserably.
After that night we’d go at least a week without talking. Then we’d talk for a little bit and then we’d stop talking. Finally one day he called me and we talked for about an hour. I was so happy. I thought that things were going to start looking up. He was no longer with his girlfriend and we were talking again, what could go wrong? Well, the fact that one of my friends added him to MSN that night was the beginning. I had told her a week or so before hand what had been going on in my life lately and she was just going to add him to rattle his chains a bit. Unfortunately, he got to her as well. He wanted to hang out with her the next day and the next thing I knew, a couple of days later, he’s online telling me how much he likes her and that he didn’t feel a ‘spark’ when he kissed me and asking me if I would be alright if he asked her out. Oh and of course he still wanted to be friends, even best friends.
Of course, I wasn’t going to be like, “No, I don’t want you two dating because I still like you.” What kind of friend would do that? Definitely not me. I stayed up all night crying my eyes out. Two months of my life wasted on him pretty much. I stopped all my writing once I started talking to him. I lost all interest in practically everything I used to love. And now I have a broken heart to add to everything. My best friend and her boyfriend tried to tell me all along to stop before I fell harder. Did I listen? Of course I didn’t. I never listen; I have to learn the hard way.
So now it has almost been a month since that incident and I find myself slowly starting to not care. Every now and then I’ll think about it and cry, but no one ever said it’d be easy getting over him. My problem though is I have no idea how to act around him any more. I always get so damn nervous and I start to over thinking things, which is never a good thing with me. I’m at a loss for words now.
-Kaitlyn Wilson
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