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| ILoveMyPersonalPerfectedEdward |
Author has written 24 stories for Young Adult, Love, Song, Life, Fantasy, Nature, Fantasy, General, and Essay. A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks. “Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is-” “Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?” How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why does it *have* to be changed? How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!! How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb? How to Write Good (enjoy these, my personal favourites) 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions? 21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 22. Don't never use a double negation. 23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 24. Do not put statements in the negative form. 25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 28. A writer must not shift your point of view. 29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents. 32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 37. Always pick on the correct idiom. 38. The adverb always follows the verb. 39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives. | |||||||||
1. Solitude reviewsClinging onto the bits and pieces of my fragile self-control.. while they're being shattered every few moments.Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 101 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 8-4-11 - Complete2. The Careless Heartbreak reviewsPeople close to her never know when to expect another out-break or emotional break-down. It always seems to be one of the two, or nothing. Miss nothing, is what we like to call Sarah Amaury.Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,138 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 6-5-113. Criminal » reviewsA short story about a criminal or two. Funny : Rated T for language.Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 625 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 5-29-11 - Published: 8-29-104. Leave reviewsA poem of taking a break from love, and the matters that cause it to happen.Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 122 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 11-25-10 - Complete5. The Imagination reviewsThis is sort of a drabble, although it's a little longer than you're average one: "The imagination is a gift from our Lord, it is not something that is earned when you're mature enough to use it correctly."Fiction: Essay - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 243 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 11-20-10 - Complete6. Jigsaw Puzzle reviewsMy brain felt battered, My heart was shattered, And I always saw you as the healerPoetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 157 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 8-26-10 - Complete7. Self Image reviewsBurning, drowning, shaking, blowing and... screaming in silence.Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 80 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7-16-10 - Complete8. Cutter reviewsPlease don't read this if you're a sensitive person. Rated T for a reason.Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 102 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 6-26-10 - Complete9. Winter reviewsA winter day at school captured. High school particularly teenage lovePoetry: Nature - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 26 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 4-19-10 - Complete10. Freaks of nature » reviewsA boy goes to high school, in a new town, a new country and everything is entirely new. Although, he doesn't know what strange things are waiting for him at this new school... almost or most probably unnatural things... Read&Review!Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,429 - Reviews: 12 - Updated: 4-8-10 - Published: 4-4-1011. Unleashed reviewsA true poem, something that had inspired me. Read, enjoy and tell me what you thought!Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 103 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 4-4-10 - Complete12. Love reviewsAn all-sorts-of-love inspired poem. Read, enjoy and tell me what you thought!Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 151 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4-4-10 - Complete13. Pretend reviewsWhy won't you make me feel? Like I'm the only one? Why is everything a struggle? An everlasting fight?Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 388 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 3-7-10 - Complete14. Summer Rain reviewsIt is cool, but it is also hot. It is wet, but it is also sweaty.Poetry: Nature - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 128 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 2-27-10 - Complete15. Black Book » reviewsThis story is funny, out of the ordinary, totally random and awesome. Read it for the fun! Btw I am not continuing so... yeah! Read and review pretty please! Even negative comments anonymous are always welcome.. love you my fellow writers!Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 10,758 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 2-25-10 - Published: 2-3-10 - Complete16. Sweet reviewsTears streamed down my cheeks, but it wasn't tears. It was… blood.Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Horror/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 219 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 2-20-10 - Complete17. Feel reviewsIt may exist in his world... but I'm already gone.Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 224 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 2-7-10 - Complete18. Hero reviewsMy version of the song; Hero, by Enrique Iglasias. Read and enjoy!Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 189 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2-7-10 - Complete19. SoarA girl with the gift of writing... will she be accepted? This is a short story, so just read it for the fun! And review please!Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 877 - Published: 2-3-10 - Complete20. Home reviewsYet again, another random poem. It's relates to my personal life, feelings, etc.. Read and review please!Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 149 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 12-9-09 - Complete21. The NonPerfect Life Of MeThe first chapter is unfinished because I am still wondering if I should continue... please give me your thoughts. ReadxReview pretty please!Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,210 - Published: 12-2-0922. I Miss You reviewsJust another random poem.. reeeaaad and reviewwww!Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 186 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12-2-09 - Complete23. Bittersweet Sixteen » reviewsSo here's my 1st fic! I let my friend read this first, and she loved it. I decided to put it on here then, so please check it out! Reeaaaddd & revieeeooo. Please I beg you! Enjoy, will update soon! Rated M for in case, hot scenes in the future, no lemons.Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 19,946 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 6-13-09 - Published: 5-25-0924. Bleeding Love reviewsSo this popped into my mind the other day, and I wrote it down. Please read%review. It's kinda tragic and sad... dunno if I should maybe write a second version? You guyz tell me!Poetry: Love - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 396 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 6-3-09 - Complete
South Africa