Hi.

Welcome to my humble profile page.

Info on my writing:

Bindings It's about my experience of an eating disorder, how self destruction is so addictive that I often find myself standing in front of the mirror for stupid amounts of time counting my ribs and measuring the gap between my thighs, planning the best way to lose a few more Kilos and kill myself a little bit faster. Anorexia is a terrifying illness. I become so wrapped up in Calorie counting and weight and BMI and mirrors and being thinner and thinner, I can completely ignore the fact that I'm dying because it simply doesn't matter anymore despite how frightening it is. I don't want to die, but I have to lose more weight. I wrote this poem to try to express some of this addiction to pain.

you I wrote this just before Christmas after a chance encounter with my ex-primary nurse who worked with me on an inpatient unit. It was an uncomfortable, if brief, conversation that we had and the whole experience really hit me hard. I felt angry, depressed, abandoned, happy to see her, ashamed of my relapse, proud of my relapse, and desperation all at once. When we said goodbye, I just felt utterly empty.

Red Herring This poem was written after a horrible night spent in A&E. It was a very surreal five hours, hospitals are like different universes, and the panic I was feeling did not make my stay more comfortable to say the least.

Alice Alice was a girl who befriended me during my stay in an eating disorders unit. She committed suicide by drowning herself in a river. I'm heartbroken, she was an absolute delight to have known and she did not deserve the suffering she endured.

Influence This poem is quite old now. My (ex)best friend and I grew apart and our friendship was severed in the most brutal way. I never really got over the loss, I still hope that one day she forgives me and that I can forgive her.

Eighteen It was my eighteenth birthday a few weeks ago, but rather than celebrating I felt like an old woman. I've spent my entire childhood being ill in one way or another and lost my opportunity to just be a kid. Now, rather than feeling like the young eighteen year old that I am with my whole life and endless opportunities ahead of me, I feel tired and withered, like I've been here an entire lifetime.

Mirror, Mirror I spend a lot of time looking at my reflection in the mirror, it comes with Anorexia. But I don't see the person I want to be, or anyone I've ever intended to become, I see a stranger and it frightens me that I didn't notice myself turning into that. It's even scarier that I don't know how to change it or even what to try to change it into.

Role Model This was an attempt at venting the frustration I feel when it comes to my father's hypocrisy. He has the most tragic habit of being able to see faults in everyone but himself.

The Photographer While in hospital I became very good friends with a lovely girl who suffers from Bulimia. She has an incredible talant for photography, but she mostly takes pictures of herself. She's not vain, I belive that she's making sure she has proof of the weight she has lost so far. Her album is like a flickbook and she gets smaller and smaller in every picture.

Fragility As my relapse into Anorexia gets worse, I find that I would rather that other people left me alone. I feel bad that they care and that their efforts to help seem so redundant, but mostly that I just can't find the motivation to help myself. This poem is about that unexplainable feeling - not wanting to die but not wanting to recover. Of being my own worst enemy and being as helpless as everybody else around me.

Katy This took me quite a while to get written down. Katy was one of my closest friends and she died tragically in a car accident. This poem deals with the shock and grief I'm experiencing at the loss as well as the cruel, almost casual manner with which her life was taken. She was only nineteen and had so much to give.