YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.
You stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, 'Holy crap, this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffeine.
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
You tend to collect Bic Sticks off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have ADD.
You think it'd be cool to have ADD.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.
(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)
Things to do in an Elevator:
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, "Did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then state in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on."
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and proclaim to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
Ways to Annoy people at the cinema:
Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
Clap when the good guy gets killed.
During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
Yell out what is going to happen.
Wear a cape and when it’s your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are.
Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.
Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (For a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)
Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
Try to start a wave.
Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
Sing with the theme music.
Bring and use your own air freshener.
At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."
Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"
Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"
Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!" jump on the floor, and cover your head.
Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themselves.
Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.
Before the movie begins, tape fart cushions to various chairs in the theater room.
Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.
Bring a water gun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!"
Before the commercials start and people are just coming in and shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!"
Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"
Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.
Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
Bring a pager or cell phone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.
Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the ending.
Stereotypes (Copy and Paste this onto your profile and bold the ones you relate to)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch. (Actually, I'd be a son of a bitch...)
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth or Emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I MUST have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all. (Not gay...)
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I MUST be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I MUST do weed and steal stuff.
I'm a PUNK so I MUST only wear black and date only other punks.
I'm ASIAN so I MUST be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I MUST be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch. (Not a bitch. Guy, remember?)
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse.
I’m a CROSS DRESSER, so I MUST be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirt.
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities.
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I MUST be a HOMOPHOBE.
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan.
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be an OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love SLASH, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish.
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist.
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake.
I DON’T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems.
I like FIRE so I MUST be an arsonist.
I'm a CUTTER so I MUST want to commit SUICIDE.
I have been to THERAPY so I MUST be crazy.
This was a weird interview my friends and I did.
We’re going to ask you some questions, Alex.
“Okay. Is this some type of interview?”
*Interviewers look at each other* Sure.
Do you own a cell phone?
Do you own something from Abercrombie?
“One or two jackets.”
Do you own something from Pacsun?
You own something from Hollister, right?
If you were to be reincarnated, what would you want to be?
“I think it’d be really funny.”
Do you own something from American Eagle?
“Yeah, like shirts.”
Do you like going to the mall?
“Only if I’m going to Gamestop.”
Do you own an iPod/MP3 player?
Do you love Starbucks?
“Who doesn’t like coffee?”
Have you ever been called a brat?
“By my mom.”
Do you hate buying things that are on sale?
“I love it!”
Do you have more than one house?
Are you a guy?
“What are you?”
Is black one of your favorite colors?
Have you ever thought about death?
“Maybe like once or twice.”
Do you wear chains?
“Of course! Chains make me look sexy.”
Do you like heavy metal?
“With the screaming and stuff? I don’t think so.”
Have you shopped at Hot Topic?
“Hate that place…”
Have you worn black lipstick?
“Are you freaking kidding me?”
Is your hair dark?
*Points to head* “Black hair.”
Do you dislike preps?
Are you an atheist, Satanist, or agnostic?
“Believe what you want.”
Can you skateboard?
“Tried once. Epically failed.”
Have you worn plaid?
Do you wear muscle shirts?
“Yeah. Can’t keep something like this from the ladies.” *Flexes arm*
Do you like Converse?
“Isn’t it obvious?”
Do you hate MTV?
“Kind of, not really.”
Are you annoyed yet?
Are you a nudist?
*stares at interviewer weirdly* “Dude, I’m wearing clothes.”
Have you had blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair?
“Once this girl named Jasmine dared me to dye my hair pink.”
Do you like pink?
“Do not get me started on pink.”
What would you do if someone poked you?
“… I’d poke them back.”
Do you hate/dislike preps?
“Yes, I do.”
Do you like Taylor swift?
Do you wear skateboarding shoes?
“Every once in a while.”
I’m guessing you love your computer.
“Duh. Who doesn’t? Facebook, anyone?”
Harry Potter fan?
“Oh my God, NO.”
How would you react is I said I did your mother?
“I’d probably kick the crap out of you. Is this the kind of reaction you were hoping for?”
Are you supposed to wear glasses/contacts?
Do you get straight A's?
“Ha! That’d be a miracle.”
Are your mother and father married?
Who do you live with?
Which parent do you hate more?
“…My dad…” *runs a hand through hair*
Do you like reading?
“Eh, kind of.”
You in band?
“Wish I was. I can play a mean guitar.”
What type of candy do you like?
“KitKats and stuff.”
Do you don't care what you look like?
“I love how I look! I’m, like, sexy and stuff.”
I’m guessing you don’t have a curfew?
Do you always do your homework?
What grade are you in?
Do you ever miss school unless you're sick?
“Me? I play hooky all the damn time.”
Do you consider yourself sexy?
“You haven’t noticed yet?”
Have you cut yourself over depression?
“I was emo once.”
Have you ever been depressed?
Do you have black rimmed glasses?
“Don’t wear glasses.”
Don’t you like the band Evanescence?
“Like, one song, but not the band.”
Are you in a relationship?
Do you like to eat?
“Yeah… what kind of question is that?”
Do You cry easily?
Do you like emo music.
Do you know someone who is emo?
“This dude named Connor.”
You hate being called emo.
Do you like jellybeans?
Have you ever kept journal or diary?
Are you annoyed yet?
“No… not really…”
Have you have written a sad poem?
“Had to write a poem in sixth grade, I hated it. So, no.”
What are you wearing?
“Why are you asking me? You can see me perfectly fine.”
Do you think emo girls are hot?
“Emos? Lets talk Russian chicks.”
What are you thinking about?
What kind of French fries?
Do you like McDonalds?
What’s your favorite color?
“Does it matter?”
Are you in a gang?
“If I answered that, I’d probably get my account removed.”
Were you in a gang, then?
“Same answer from before.”
Do you have a tattoo?
“Um… no… not… I mean - ”
Do you have a crush on anyone?
“Right now? No.”
Have you worn rubber bands in your pants?
You swear once in a while, right?
“A lot. Definitely.”
Have you ever been kicked out of Wal-mart?
*pretends to ponder about the question* “Yeah.”
Why were you kicked out?
“Last Halloween, I dressed up a bunny and my friend dressed up as a doughnut. I had gotten a baseball bat from Sports and went into Electronics. I like jumped on the main desk where all the phones and laptops and stuff were, started singing ‘I’m a Gummy Bear’ and broke stuff. My friend was riding on a tricycle with a bag of skittles. He was throwing them at people screaming, ‘Taste the freakin’ rainbow!’ We got permanently banned from the Wal-Mart. It was totally worth it though. It was funny a hell.”
Have you freestyled?
Well, have you worn high tops with the tongue flipped out?
“I don’t really wear high tops…”
Can you break dance?
“I guess so.”
Do you like Skittles?
“Yeah. Do you?”
I love Skittles.
“Skittles are awesome.”
Do you have a bandana?
“I have a bunch.”
Do you like loud music?
Moving on. Do you love the Ninja Turtles?
“Ima frickin Ninja Turtle!!” *ninja kicks air*
Do you never walk anywhere?
“I walk around my school.”
Are you planning on joining the Military?
“Maybe the Marines.” *does sloppy salute*
Do you wear slip-on shoes?
*points to feet* “Nope. You’ll rarely see me without combat boots.”
Do you wear Vans?
Say, do you like the band Panic! At the disco?
What’s you’re favorite song?
“Hmm… Wait, does it have to like describe me?”
“Then I have a few. ‘Cowboy in Me’ by Tim McGraw, ‘Stand’ by Rascal Flatts, ‘Chicken Fried’ by Zac Brown Band, ‘TNT’ by AC/DC, ‘My Kinda Party’ by Jason Aldean, and ‘Boots On’ by Randy Houser. I could keep going.”
I’m guessing right now that you like country stuff.
*shrugs* “the Rebels were okay, if that’s what you’re asking.”
No, no. I mean country stuff like… music.
“Oh, well yeah.”
You wear band t-shirts.
“AC/DC tees. Awesome.”
Have people called you a freak and meant it?
“Yeah, then I punched their lights out. Do you seriously think I’m gonna let - Never mind.”
Do you love to "hardcore" dance?
“Never even ‘Hardcore’ danced before.”
Has your hair been dyed more than one color?
“Does red highlights failing count?”
“Yeah, I watch every year.”
What’s your favorite NFL team?
Do you own track shoes or other sports related shoes?
“Nah. Why would I want to do that? I have to look sexy, and track shoes don‘t cut it.”
Do you collect your jerseys?
“Depends if you’re talking about NFL or a school team.”
Do you have a wall or shelf dedicated to your trophies/awards?
“I have a certificate that says I’m insane. My friend gave it to me for Christmas. Does that count?”
Do you have posters or plaques of famous athletes?
“No but I have a plaque that says I’m retarded.”
Does your garage consist of sports equipment?
“I don’t own anything aside from a bench press.”
Did you used to belong to a school team?
Are you going/did go to a sports summer camp?
How come you haven’t updated your story?
“I’m working on my book.”
You’re writing a book?
Can I see it?
“I don’t have it.”
What’s behind your back then?
Lemme see! *grabs papers from behind Alex*
“Give it back!”
Not until after I tell the people you’re posting this on your birthday.
“You can’t - Wait, how the hell did you know this?”
shrugs* I have my ways.
interviewer smiles* Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen. Our beloved author -
- Alex is going to post the first chapter of his ‘book’ on October 12th, 2011.
“How the hell do you know my birthday?!”
ignores him* Look for something called, “Javen Wolf - Truth and Lies”. And judging by the detail in this, *looks through papers* its going to be a great story.