Author has written 1 story for Humor.
Hey peeps, I'd just like to say WELCOME!!!!!!! May you find happiness and good fortune here!! Like a profile page can do that... Anyway, I have a FanFiction account where I am also I-Live-Outside-The-Box. Visit that if you deem necessary. I don't know why you would, but hey, I'm not judging.
Hope you liked my extremely short paragraph about me, and now, quotes!
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
"Me and you is friends. You smile, I smile. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I gonna miss your e-mails."
(My friend Madison said this once.) "We love you like a goldfish. When you're here we're happy. When you die, we flush you down a toilet and say, 'Meh.'"
"What's procrastination?" "I'll tell you later."
"Yeah, I'm a dinosaur so roar!!! and stuff."
"Your fishy seems to have died of thirst. Have a bandaid and come back to see me in three weeks."
"Keep calm and just keep swimming."
"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy cupcakes and that's kind of the same thing."
"If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?"
"Love is like the wind. You can't see it, but you can feel it."
"My friend just said to me, 'If you became invisible, what would you do first?' I said, 'I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death and the round of applause he'd get would be astounding.'"
"I love how in scary movies the person yells out 'Hello?' as if the killer is going to be like, 'Yeah, I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?'"
I'm not a therapist. Solve your own problems."
"I know the world won't end in 2012 because Marty McFly traveled to 2015."
"When life gives you lemons, turn them into apples and leave people wondering how the heck you did it!!"
"Come to the Dark Side ... Peeta made cookies."
"It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces."
"I trip up the stairs."
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time."
"Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who."
"What makes you think she's a witch?" "Well, she turned me into a newt." "A newt?" "...I got better..."
"You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts."
This is a fairly long quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's a conversation between a guard and King Arthur.
"Who goes there?"
"It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!"
"Pull the other one!"
"I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."
"What? Ridden on a horse?"
"You're using coconuts!"
"You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together."
"So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through..."
"Where'd you get the coconuts?"
"We found them."
"Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, this is a temperate zone!"
"The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?"
"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
"Not at all. They could be carried."
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"
"It could grip it by the husk!"
"It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut."
"Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?"
"Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
"Am I right?"
"We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm."
"...You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WITH... A HERRING!"
"You just gestured to all of me."
"Oh, I'm hurt! I am very much hurt!"
"Most people would leave, but not us. We're Vikings. We have stubbornness issues."
Fun Things To Do In A Lift/Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!" (I've done that at school before.)
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "FOURTY TWO!";)
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit (Skit)
Colonel:get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!
Sergeant: (Shouting throughout) Right sir! Good evening, class.
All: (mumbling) Good evening.
Sergeant: Where's all the others, then?
All: They're not here.
Sergeant: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
1st Man: Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Sergeant: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
2nd Man: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
Sergeant: What do you mean?
3rd Man: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Sergeant: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
2nd Man: Can't we do something else?
3rd Man: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...
All: We done the passion fruit.
1st Man: We done the passion fruit.
2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
3rd Man: Whole and segments.
2nd Man: Pomegranates, greengages...
1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit...
2nd Man: Lemons...
3rd Man: Plums...
1st Man: Mangoes in syrup...
Sergeant: How about cherries?
All: We did them.
Sergeant: Red *and* black?
Sergeant: All right, bananas.
Sergeant: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
2nd Man: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Sergeant: Shut up.
4th Man: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Sergeant: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
1st Man: 'Arrison.
Sergeant: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)
1st Man: Aaagh! (dies.)
Sergeant: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
2nd Man: You shot him!
3rd Man: He's dead!
4th Man: He's completely dead!
Sergeant: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.
2nd Man: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Sergeant: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
3rd Man: But you told him to.
Sergeant: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
4th Man: And pointed sticks.
Sergeant: Shut up.
2nd Man: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?
Sergeant: Run for it.
3rd Man: You could stand and scream for help.
Sergeant: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
3rd Man: A pineapple?
Sergeant: Where? Where?
3rd Man: No I just said: a pineapple.
Sergeant: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
3rd Man: What, on the pineapple?
Sergeant: Where? Where?
3rd Man: No, I was just repeating it.
Sergeant: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.
3rd Man: Thompson.
Sergeant: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
3rd Man: No.
Sergeant: Why not?
3rd Man: You'll shoot me.
Sergeant: I won't.
3rd Man: You shot Mr. Harrison.
Sergeant: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.
4th Man: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Sergeant: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
3rd Man: Throw the gun away.
Sergeant: I haven't got a gun.
3rd Man: You have.
3rd Man: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.
Sergeant: Oh, that gun.
3rd Man: Throw it away.
Sergeant: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun.
3rd Man: You were going to shoot me!
Sergeant: I wasn't.
3rd Man: You were!
Sergeant: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...
(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)
3rd Man: Aaagh.
Sergeant: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
2nd Man: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Sergeant: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
2nd Man: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?
Sergeant: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
4th Man: Like what?
Sergeant: Shootin' him?
2nd Man: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?
Sergeant: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.
2nd Man: No guns.
2nd Man: No 16-ton weights.
4th Man: No pointed sticks.
Sergeant: Shut up.
2nd Man: No rocks up in the ceiling.
2nd Man: And you won't kill us.
Sergeant: I won't.
2nd Man: Promise.
Sergeant: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
2nd & 4th Men: Oh, all right.
Sergeant: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger!
(He does so. Growls. Screams.)
Sergeant: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
We stole the Statue of Liberty...!
...the small one, from Las Vegas!
I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower... also Vegas.
I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toilet bowl... what?
Do you want to explode? (I've said this more than you can imagine.)
Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them. Uni uni unicorns, I love them. Uni unicorns, I could pet one if they were really real. And they are! So I bought one so I could pet it. Now it loves me, now I love it. La lala la la...
"Uh, question. What are these?"
"A dozen boogie robots. Boogie! Look at this! Watch me!"
"Cookie robots! I said cookie robots! Ah, why... why are you so... old?"
"Will you read us a bedtime story?"
"The physical appearance of the please makes no difference."
"Hey, that one looks like me."
"What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental."
I'm applying for a villain loan. I go by Vector. It's a mathematical term, represented by an arrow with both direction and magnitude. Vector! That's me, because I commit crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh yeah!
"Kyle, these are guests, not snacks! Girls, this is Kyle. He's my... dog."
"Ooh, fluffy puppy!"
"What kind of dog is that?"
"He's a... I don't know."
You smell that? Take a deep breath through the nose. Really let that seep in. What are you getting? Because to me, that's part man-smell, and the other part is really bad man-smell. I don't know why, but overall it just smells like the color brown. Your thoughts?
"So... Flynn. Where are you from?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sorry, Blondie. I don't do backstory, however I am becoming very interested in *yours.* I know I'm not supposed to ask about the hair..."
"- or the mother..."
"...frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog."
I could get used to a view like this. Yep, I'm used to it. Guys I want a castle.
Mother knows best.
Take it from your mumsy.
On your own you won't survive.
They'll eat you up alive!
"I have made the decision to trust you."
"A horrible decision really."
"We made it."
"Her hair glows!"
"We're alive. We're alive!"
"I didn't see that coming."
"The hair actually glows."
"Why does her hair glow!"
"It doesn't *just* glow."
"Why is he smiling at me?"
"Is that blood in your mustache? Goldie, look at this! Look at all the blood in his mustache! Good sir, that's a lot of blood!"
And last, but not least:
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."