Author has written 1 story for Action.
(Hello, and welcome to my little corner of the internet, where up is down and I rule with an iron fist! ...Make yourselves at home...)
Name: Batman, Motherfucker (I'm the writer FictionPress deserves...but not the one it needs...)
Age: 15 (Want some free advice? If you're ever driving and you look at the car next to you and you see me behind the wheel, I've got just three words for you: Tuck and roll.)
Birthdate: November 6th. (You are now obligated to get me a present. I DEMAND CHOCOLATE AND COCAINE!!)
Gender: Male. (Feels pretty damn great, too!)
Favorite Food: Play-Doh. (It just tastes so damn good!)
Favorite Types of Music: Alternative Rock; Metal. (Though, I think basically every type of music is good. Except Country. NEVER Country... *shudders*)
Favorite Bands/Rappers: Linkin Park; Breaking Benjamin; Three Days Grace; Eminem; KiD CuDi; Skillet; Fall Out Boy; AWOLNATION; The Fray; Escape the Fate; Macklemore; Flyleaf; Evanescence; One Republic; Falling in Reverse. (This list really should be longer, but I'm lazy, so, meh. Music is my freakin' LIFE, and I shit you not! It's actually what helps me write cohesively. If there's not some loud-ass noise blasting in my ears while I'm sitting at the computer, then my chapters are gonna wind up making even less sense than they already do- and that's saying something...)
Favorite Anime/Manga/Video Games: Sonic The Hedgehog; Bleach; Fairy Tail; D. Gray Man; FMA; FMAB; Full Metal Panic; Chrono Crusade; Hayate no Gotoku; Spice and Wolf; Kingdom Hearts; Jak and Daxter; Sly Cooper; inFAMOUS; SOOO many others... (I could literally go on forever here.)
Hobbies: Sleeping; Skateboarding; Sleeping; Drawing (mostly manga, but I dabble in western cartoons from time to time); Sleeping; Eating; Sleeping; Breathing; Sleeping; Writing (obviously); Sleeping; Parkour; Making sweet, sweet love to my pillow (a.k.a "Sleeping); Playing video games; Sleeping; Cardboardsledding (I AM THE KING OF THIS SPORT!); Sleeping; Injuring myself doing ill-conceived stunts; Sleeping; Wasting time; Drinking the blood of my enemies from a jewel-encrusted chalice. (Ha! You thought I was gonna say "sleeping" again, didn't ya?)
And now for some random facts about me that you never wanted to know because I am one fantastically little fucker... (Read at your own risk...)
1) I like fire. A LOT. (Some say it's an unhealthy addiction. At least, that's what I think they say; it's so hard to hear them over the screams of the burning victims...)
2) I own an ever-growing weapons collection that currently consists of two katanas, a necklace-knife, a medieval shortsword, a dragon cane with a blade hidden in it, a hand-crafted dagger, a badass scimitar (my personal favorite), a machete...and a pair of safety scissors. (I like sharp things almost as much as I like fire. In fact, the whole idea for Dell'Inferno Animosità (Ignis's katana) came from an experiment I conducted when I seven which involved a can of Lysol, my katana, and a lighter. I was rewarded for my work with a flaming sword and the nickname "Pyro."
3) Even though my memory is fucking horrible, I have a habit of remembering the most pointless shit with crystal clarity. (All of Krillin's lines verbatim in the Dragon Ball Z TFS? Definitely. How to use logarithms in Algebra? Not a fucking clue.)
(More to be added when I have the time.)
ARE YOU? (WHY, YES, I FUCKING AM.)
1. Perfect? Well, if by "perfect" you mean a brilliant, successful writer who cleans his face with $100 bills and is squirt-through-your-jeans sexy, then, heh, heh...no. Oh, good God, no.
1. Friend you saw:
1. Number: F. My God, do I love the number F...
EIGHT EMOTIONS: (I don't feel emotions. Just hungry.)
1. Are you missing someone right now?
1. Real name? Jamie. Y'see that? I just broke the all-powerful Law of Anonymity, the most sacred law of the Cult- I mean, Brotherhood of Amateur Writers of the Internet. Now I'll gonna be punished by being forced to read to bad Percy Jackson fanfiction for 12 hours straight. The things I do for you guys...
...So, yeah, I'm a guy.
6. Slut? Pfft, I wish...
1. First best friend? Andy. The two of us have been giving teachers brain aneurysms since third grade.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
1. Shorter or taller? Not really all that important to me, but I tend to like the shorter ladies a little more. They make my short ass feel tall.
HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Drank bubbles?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
"Blessed": Character Profiles
*WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ UP TO THE MOST RECENT CHAPTER
Name: Ignis Angelo Salvatore (adoptive last name)
Alias(es): Ig; Pyro; Delinquent (by Tess); Steel Dragon (by Underground); Figlio di Morte (by Underground); Lighter Fluid/Wet Match (by Aaron); Half-breed; Son of Wrath; Angry Prince.
Hair: Black; Shoulder-length; Extremely messy and spiky.
Eyes: Bright green (bright orange when looking into spiritual realm).
Appearance: Black t-shirt, thin black zip-up hoodie, dark-blue baggy jeans, black leather belt, black combat boots, and black leather gloves. Also has a tattoo of the Salvatore insignia (red "S" with a sword running down the middle of it) on his left shoulder, and carries a pair of red and black wireless headphones around his neck at all times.
Personality: Just about the the most ferocious mafioso you'll ever meet, Ignis is a scarily strong teenager who loves his job as a hitman for the Salvatore mafia family. Though he isn't the brightest teenager in the world, Ignis was raised like a warrior, and as a result, he's an immensely powerful fighter; however, he's also rather crippled when it comes to social convention, which can lead him to say and/or do the wrong things at very wrong times. He's extremely impulsive, and hates being called weak with a burning vengeance. Ignis is fiercely loyal to the Salvatore and his friends, seeing them all as his literal family, and will annihilate anyone who threatens their safety without so much as a shred of hesitation.
Affiliation(s): Salvatore Family; Odd Squad.
Abilities: Sixth sense (ability to perceive the spiritual energy of other individuals as "presences"); Heightened senses (excluding sixth sense); 300x body regeneration rate; Pyrokinesis; Extensive hand-to-hand, firearm, and sword combat training; Can use katana to consume fire that is not his own in order to gain an energy boost; Can jump to heights of up to 30 feet by creating microscopic yet powerful explosions under his feet to propel him into the air; Can switch points of view from that of the Physical Realm to the Spiritual Realm at will.
Weapon(s) of Choice: Flames of the Damned; Dell'Inferno Animosità (Katana); .45 Desert Eagle.
Name: Fletcher Grace
Alias(es): Fletch; Crayons (by Ignis); God of Archery (by himself).
Hair: Brown; Windswept.
Appearance: White t-shirt, turquoise-and-black checkered zip-up hoodie, jeans, and red Airwalk sneakers.
Personality: Fletcher was the first friend Ignis made when he started going to school, and the two subsequently became best friends. Always quick with a witty remark, he fancies himself a comedian of sorts, though his chronic stupidity constantly causes him to make the wrong jokes about the wrong people at the wrong times, which almost always ends with varying levels of bodily harm being inflicted upon him. Even though he usually prefers to display the jocular side of his personality, Fletcher can be quite serious when the need arises, and when he's not screwing around he proves to be a strong and able fighter. He doesn't like to show it, but he's actually a rather intellectual person. Due to his "unorthodox" thinking processes and problem-solving methods, he has the ability to easily grasp difficult concepts that would be lost on most others.
Abilitie(s): Currently Unknown (Now, I know you're probably going like "But what about those arrows he shoots from his bow? Don't they count as an ability?" Well, the answer to that is no, since those arrows aren't really an ability in and of themselves; they're more like extensions of the true nature of Fletcher's actual powers, which have yet to be revealed- though I'm planning to shed some light on that mystery in the second book...)
Weapon(s) of Choice: Bow/Arrows made out of spiritual energy.
Name: Tesslynn Chesterson
Hair: Blonde; Waist-length; Slightly unkempt.
Appearance: Gray t-shirt, baggy dark green cargo pants, black belt, gray Converse sneakers, and a black pullover hoodie tied around her waist.
Weapon(s) of Choice: Magic/Grimoire.
Name: Alexis Venus Solace
Hair: Black; Waist-length; Straight.
Abilities: Currently unknown.
Weapon(s) of Choice: None
Alias(es): Artie (by Ignis).
Hair: Blonde; Extremely long (reaches her ankles); Very disheveled.
Personality: Artemis is a very quiet, very timid girl who doesn't like fighting and gets scared rather easily. She's relatively smart for her age (smart enough to impress Ignis), and
Abilities: Terrakinesis; Can heal others by regenerating their body tissue; Heightened sixth sense;
Weapon(s) of Choice: None.
Alright, let's do this thing. Bring it on, survey!
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4:
Dance with the Devil, by Sherrilyn Kenyon
"...must have decided that suicide wasn't the answer."
...Well, good for him...
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you reach?
My dog's mouth. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some Band-Aids to find...
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
Dinner time. It's ALWAYS dinner time.
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
Dinner time. Show of hands: Who saw that coming?
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The voices in my head. They told me take this survey. At least they're finally talking about something other than arson and homicide...
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
9. What are you wearing?
10. Did you dream last night?
11. When did you last laugh?
12. What are on the walls of the room you are in?
Blood. Pro Tip: Don't take my chocolate.
13. Seen anything weird lately?
14. What do you think of this quiz?
Well, I think it's a lot like LeBron's hairline: Ridiculous, shameful, and getting worse and worse as time goes on.
15. What is the last film you saw?
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know about.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would make it so that guns were never invented. Not to promote peace, mind you; it's just that sword fights are so much more badass.
19. Do you like to dance?
20. George Bush:
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the Pearly Gates?
What I WANT Him to say: "Hey, welcome to my crib! Grab a beer and get to partying!"
What He'll PROBABLY say: "Get the hell out of my house."
1. No wasted beer in the name of humour.
2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control
3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.
4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)
5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.
6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.
8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.
9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.
10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.
11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.
12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.
13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.
14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favour will one day be replayed.
15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.
16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
18. You poke it you own it.
19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.
21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.
22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).
23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.
26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.
27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.
28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"
29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.
30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.
31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.
33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.
34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.
35. Women can't drive.
36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.
37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.
38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support
39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.
40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.
41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.
42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.
43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.
44. Sex is more important then talking
45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.
46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat
48. Men will invite other men to Man Law
49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."
50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.
51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.
52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.
53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.
54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.
55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn.
57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.
58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.
59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).
60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.
61. A man purse is still a purse.
62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.
63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.
64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.
65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)
66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.
67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.
68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.
69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.
70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.
71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.
72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.
73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.
74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.
75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.
77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.
78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.
80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.
81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.
82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.
83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavoured that comes in a bottle.
84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.
85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).
86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.
87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-toeye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.
88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.
89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.
90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.
91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.
92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.
93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.
94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)
104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.
106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.
112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status.
If you think those kids should just give the Rabbit his cereal put this in your profile! (Why can't those sick bastards just give that poor little bunny his part of a balanced breakfast? WHY, GOD, WHY??)
92 percent of American teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch/American Eagle told them it was uncool to breathe. If you are one of the 8 percent who would stand there and laugh, copy this into your profile. (I'm pretty sure Abercrombie is Fitch's secret gay lover. And as for American Eagle, well, that name just seems kinda redundant, don't ya think?)
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile. (If you think I'm a freak now, you should see me in bed... I toss and turn so hard when I sleep, it's like I'm possessed! ...What? You thought I was gonna make a sex joke, didn't you? Get your mind outta the gutter dude. Sheesh...)
95 percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile. (I absolutely refuse to bow down and succumb to what people, in their infinite conceit, have decided is "normal." Fuck normalcy; I'm limited edition, BITCH!)
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile. (Let's see, there's Andy, Jason, my little brother, Ethan... This may take a while.)
If you hate Noday, the eighth day of the week that always promises money, junk food, video games, comics, fun, and more money but never comes, post this in your profile. (Every time I look at a calendar and see only seven days in the week, I die a little inside...)
Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that stayed with rock, put this in your profile. (Fuck you, Country music! And yes, I realize that had nothing to do with this, but here's the thing: I don't give a flying fuck.)
You know you live in 2010 when... (Here we go...)
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave. (That's...just sad...)
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years. (I don't play solitaire at all! It gives my brain boo-boos.)
3) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or a Facebook. (The sad thing about this one is that it's actually true for a lot of people I know.)
4) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. (That's damn right, and I don't plan on changing ANY time soon!)
6) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. (Who the hell wrote this list? I wanna send him/her a Christmas card.)
7) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling. (*nods and smiles*)
8) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. (...What friends?)
9) And you were too busy to notice number 5. (*goes back and checks* O_O Holy shit!)
10) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5. (Damn, this guy's good!)
11) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. (I wouldn't call my laugh stupid, but- wait, yes I would...)
12) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did. (...You win this round, internet...)
List by Stevie freakin' Wonder and commentary by Streak566.
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Oh, this ought to be good...)
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
List copied and pasted from Fresh Prince Of Konoha. Commentary by Streak566.
Emo Jokes (Oh yeah, baby! This is gonna be fun!)
How many emos does it take to paint a wall?
How do you cut an emo sandwich?
I wish my lawn was emo, then it would cut itself. (From one lazy-ass to another, I salute you!)
How do you kill an emo?
What do you call a crap female emo?
How many emos does it take to change a light bulb? (Oh, God, not a light bulb joke...)
Why did the Emo cross the road? (To get to the other knife?)
Did you hear about the emo pizza?
How do you get an emo out of a tree? (Easy. Just grab a knife, drop it at your feet, and yell, "Fetch!")
(To the tune of "if you're happy and you know it...")
What's an emo's favorite Divinyls song?
When is the only time you wink at an emo?
Two emos jumped off a cliff, which one lands first?
What do you call a dead emo? (Nature taking its course?)
Why do emos have crap hair? (Well...they're emos. 'Nuff said)
Two people are walking down a street, suddenly an emo is shot and dies as the other emo runs off crying. The first person says "Oh my god, someone just shot that emo! Did you see?", the second person replies "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy reloading my gun". (Later on that day, there was a mysterious genocide of emos in this city. Nobody seemed to care, though, including the emos)
What do you call an emos diary? (Depressing?)
What do you say to a crippled emo? ("You're half-way there, dude.")
What is the special time of the month called when an emo girl bleeds? (...I kinda don't wanna know the answer...)
What do you say at an emo's funeral?
What has 4 eyes, 4 limbs and draws blood?
Why can't a female emo perform oral? (Why WOULD a female emo perform oral?)
What do you call a dead 16 year old emo? (Inevitable.)
When's the only time you let an emo "open up"? (Never, if I have anything to do with it.)
Whats the difference between a dead deer in the road, and a dead emo in the road?
What are the main symptoms of Emo-ness?
What do you get if you cross an emo with a groid? (What in the name of George Lopez is a groid?)
What happens when you have 5 emos in a square room? (If I'm stuck in there with them, a blood-bath)
What's the best thing about beating up an emo? (Everything is so awesome, I just can't pick!)
Jokes by Kayleigh06 and commentary by Streak566.
You know your addicted to Runescape when... (It's about to get REAL pathetic in here...)
When you go to a public bank and start yelling over and over “Selling pencil 200gp”. (That is one EXPENSIVE pencil...)
When you stand up to a murderer with a gun because you think you have protect against range. (It'd be fucking hilarious if he actually ended up killing the murderer after all!)
When you get angry that men and women get suspicious about you pickpocketing them once. ("For the last time, I wasn't stealing from you! I was simply going through your pockets looking for your belongings that I could take and possibly use later on! Now stop bitch-slapping me, you irritatingly alert whore!")
You put on your mom's diamond wedding ring thinking it’s a ring of life and jump off a cliff. (I hope no one shows up at this guy's funeral service)
You prowl around a graveyard with a steel hatchet in search of zombies and skeletons. (I'm pretty sure you don't have to be addicted to Runescape to do this...)
When you try to find a pick lock option on a locked door. ("Where the hell is the damn option? This door is fucking bugged!")
You report your parents for having sex as it is against Jagex's code of behavior. (How does this guy think he was brought into this world in the first place? Training Island?)
You challenge a bully twice your size to the wilderness when there is no wilderness and expect your “clan to be there.” ("The only reason I got beat up is because my clan skipped out on me! I'm SO hacking their accounts!)
In the actual woods wilderness you beg a hiker to not kill you. ("...I've got a walking-stick and a bottle of water on me. I couldn't kill ya if I wanted to, kid.")
You stand still and not do anything for days waiting for a random event to come and give you stuff, but end up dieing from starvation. (I don't see how anyone could do that without finally cracking after about 36 hours (for me, it'd only take two and a half minutes).)
You believe your black cat is a black dragon. ("Have at ye, Fluffy!")
You think making chalk drawings on the driveway is witchcraft. (Time to go get a noose!)
You go to a abandon shed in hopes of reaching Zanaris. (The only thing you're going to reach is the loony-bin.)
You call babies newbs. (Their response? "Goo goo, gaa gaa" and an unintentional boot to the face.)
You call young elementary schoolers noobs. (I wonder what that makes college students?)
You find a blood stained hatchet and think it’s a dragon wc axe, and cut “yews” with it and the police find you and think your the "murderer with the axe", practicing to cut up victims. (He lost me at "dragon wc axe".)
You think the desks in your classroom were once part of the Round Table. (No. Just...no.)
A harmless gardener spider bites you and you frantically drink a mountain dew because you believe you have been poisoned. (Pansy!)
You think it’s a quest to go get the mail and get mad at your mom for not giving you “exp” and rewards so you punch her. ("Bitch! Gimme my fucking exp!")
You wonder what a dollar bill is. (I still like gold coins better.)
your afraid someone will hack you (This dude must be the most paranoid kid at his school.)
you enter random people’s houses in search for items on tables that you can "take" ("Get the hell out of my house, ya fag!")
at a phone booth someone gives you extra money, and you say “add me” to him and he backs away scared ("I added you, now you add me. It's not that hard! ...Noob.")
you walk into a bank and yell "BUYING LOBS 300 EACH", and when someone asks you what a "lob" is, you scream "NUB" and stalk off (I mean, isn't it obvious? Duh!)
you walk into the "wilderness" (actually the forest behind your house) and see someone walking with a fake sword and shield. You then attack them in a rage with a red pipe cleaner with a green end, calling it a "dds". (Jab, jab, jab jab jab!)
that guy then punches you and you think he's been skulled so you knock him out and steal his stuff (Score one for the nerd!)
if you have ever said lol or any abbreviation for an item in a conversation (Actually, I think that's really common nowadays. It's still sad, though.)
you get sent to prison for life for digging up peoples bones with a spade you stole from your neighbor's shed, and then burying them in your own yard. You then complain that you "were getting prayer XP, and that you have almost gotten protect from melee" (Well, now you better pray you get "Protect From Ass Rape".)
when you hit a police officer with a stick with the reason that you are training off guards (*sigh*)
you purposely get into a fight with someone much bigger and stronger then you, somehow win, then shout "PWNED, NUB" (He just ruined the effect of his victory.)
after that, you notice your a LITTLE bit more experienced, so you also shout "LVL UP!!" (I'm hoping the guy will get back up and kick his ass right now.)
in chemistry, you mix deadly toxins and potions in hope of making a prayer pot but when u drink it it kills you in 30 seconds (Serves him right, that dumbass.)
you call devout Christians prayer noobs for praying all the time (He is hereby sentenced to damnation!)
when you get sick and almost die for furiously eating whole sharks and cakes in rapid succession, because you thought you were gonna die and loose all your items in a sparring match with a friend (I just noticed another thing about Runescape. No matter how much you eat, YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR CHARACTER FAT!! Honestly! At least stick to ONE law of physics, will ya?)
when you close the door on someone and they get stopped on the other side you call them corner noobs (What the bloody hell is a corner noob? (No, I'm not British. I just happen to like the phrase "bloody hell").)
when you go on really long world travel journeys for "new songs" (The only one you'll ever find that doesn't include sex, drugs, or swears is "I've Been Working On The Railroad".)
when some one says “runescape sucks” to you, you say “man! How could u hate the world we live in? hater noob” (FTW, bitch!)
when the strongest thing you can find to fight is a bear (I hope this guy gets mauled.)
you think homework is some sort of elvin code (...Fucknut...)
you start to wonder if your sister is a dwarf (Actually, this one could be justified...Is she drunk every time you see her?)
on Halloween you attack everyone because you think demons have been summoned. ("I'm a kid in a Super-Man costume, not a demon you idiot!")
List by someone I now idolize and commentary by Streak566.
A black man walked into a bar and sat down at a table.
A white man came over to him and said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said:
"Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK."
"But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... (Words can't even attempt to describe how proud I am of that black guy right now.)
Commentary by Streak566.
LIST YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS FROM ANY GAME(S)/SHOW/ANIME/MANGA AND ACT AS IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN THE GAME(S)/SHOW/ANIME/MANGA (This can't possibly end well...)
1. Tails (Sonic The Hedgehog)
2. Shadow The Hedgehog (Sonic The Hedgehog)
3. Yoruichi Shihōin (Bleach)
4. Knuckles The Echidna (Sonic The Hedgehog)
5. Riku (Kingdom Hearts)
6. Edward Elric (Full Metal Alchemist)
7. Ichigo Kurosaki (Bleach)
8. Kakashi Hatake (Naruto)
9. Blaze The Cat (Sonic The Hedgehog)
10. Silver The Hedgehog (Sonic The Hedgehog)
Then ask the following questions
What would you do if Number 1 woke you up in the middle of the night?
Tails: "Hey, Streak! Wanna help me try out my new invention?"
Me: "It's 3:00 in the fucking morning, Tails! There are countless other things I'd rather do right now, with "sleeping" being at the top of my list!"
Tails: "So...will you try it out?"
Number 3 walked into the bathroom while you're showering?
Yoruichi: "Whoops! Wrong room!"
Me: "Care to join me?"
Number 4 announced he/she's going to marry 9 tomorrow?
Me: "Alright, that's it, Knuckles! No more scented markers for you!"
Knuckles: "But they smell like the beautiful morning dew that rests so elegantly on my rose garden!"
Me: "Rose garden?"
Knuckles: "...Maybe I SHOULD stop sniffing those markers..."
Number 5 cooked you dinner?
Riku: "Here ya go! Right out of the oven!"
Me: "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die...!"
Number 6 was lying next to you on the beach, sleeping, what happens?
Me: "I have two choices here: Shaving cream, or dismantling his auto-mail. Decisions, decisions..."
Number 7 suddenly confessed to be part of your family?
Me: "If you even THINK about calling me "little bro", you'll end up just like Tyler."
Ichigo: "Who's Tyler?"
Me: "He's what makes my tulips bloom."
Ichigo: *backs slowly out of the room*
Number 8 got into the hospital somehow?
Me: "I told ya this would happen if you kept jumping off of trees with your eyes closed..."
Kakashi: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUSHED ME OUT OF THE TREE IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU SPIKY LITTLE BASTARD!!!"
Me: "A Saturday well spent, if ya ask me!"
Number 9 made fun of your friends?
Me: "I don't have friends. I have victims." *smiles evilly*
Number 10 ignored you all the time?
Me: "THANK YOU SANTA!!"
Silver: "Why is everyone so mean to me all of the time?" *sniffle sniffle* "BLAZE!!!"
Blaze: "DAMN YOU SANTA!!"
Two serial killers are hunting you down. What will 1 do?
Tails: "Hey, Sonic! Wanna help me try out my--"
Me: "NOT NOW, TAILS!!"
You're on a vacation with 2 and manage to break your leg. What does 2 do?
Shadow: "Alright, now for the other one..."
Me: "Dammit Shadow! What the hell?!"
Shadow: "Maybe next time you'll think twice before you threaten to sing "Jingle Bells" for 3 days straight. Assuming that there actually WILL be a next time for you, of course."
It's your birthday. What does 3 get you?
Yoruichi: "Happy birthday, Streak!"
Me: "...This is a fucking breathmint..."
Yoruichi: "Correction: It's a fucking USED breathmint!"
You're stuck in a house that's on fire. What does 4 do?
Me: "Dammit, Knuckles! Unlock the freakin door!"
Knuckles: "NEVER! MY SCENTED MARKERS SHALL BE AVENGED!!!"
You're about to marry number 10. What's 1's reaction:
You got dumped by someone. How will 7 cheer you up?
Me: "She must have been a lesbian. Dammit! All of the opportunities, wasted!"
Ichigo: "It'll be alright, little bro."
Me: "WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY 10 QUESTIONS AGO?!?"
Ichigo: "AHHHH! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!"
You compete in a tournament. How does 9 support you?
Blaze: "GET OUT THERE AND KICK SOME ASS OR I'LL MAKE EVERY SECOND OF YOUR INSIGNIFICANT LIFE FILLED WITH UNENDING MISERY AND TORMENT!!!"
(3 minutes later)
Announcer: "And Streak The Hedgehog has won the tournament in a record breaking 3 minutes! Tell us, Streak: What was it that caused you to have that major power-spike halfway through the tournament?
Me: *in an anxious voice and with blood-shot eyes darting randomly around the arena* "Blaze...Misery...Torment...Unending... So...Much...Pain...!"
Blaze: "Aggressive encouragement ALWAYS works!"
You can't stop laughing. What will 10 do?
Me: "Keep writhing on the floor in pain as I continue smash his balls to smithereens?"
Silver: "DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!! OH SWEET JESUS CHRIST, I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING DOWN THERE ANYMORE!!!"
Number 2 tells you about his/her deeply hidden love for number 9.
Me: "THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING FUNNY!!"
Shadow: "FUCK YOU!"
Blaze: "...Oh my god..."
You're dating 3 and he/she introduces you to her parents. Would you get along?
Me: "I stopped reading after 'You're dating 3'. SCORE!!!"
Meanwhile, at Yoruichi's house*
Yoruichi: "My Streak-Senses are tingling!"
Will number 5 and 6 ever kiss?
Riku and Ed: *vomitting*
Me: "Does that answer your question? Sicko..."
Number 6 appears to be a player, breaking many hearts. What do you do?
Ed: "Up yours!"
You had a haircut and 7 can't stop looking at you. What goes on in your mind?
Me: *thinking* "Say it. I dare you."
Ichigo: "Nice ha--"
Me: "STOP MOCKING ME!!"
Ichigo: "OH GOD, NOT AGAIN!!"
Number 8 thinks he/she’ll never get a girl/boyfriend. What will you tell him/her?
Me: "Oh gee, when did ya figure THAT one out, Sherlock Hopeless?!"
Kakashi: "You're not very good at the whole "empathy" thing, are you?"
Me: "'Empathy'? What the hell is that?"
You notice that 3 and 4 have been inside that hotel room for MORE than a few hours. What are you thinking?
Me: "Meh, he's probably dead." *walks away*
Could 1 and 6 be soul mates?
Me: "I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response."
Tails & Ed: "GROSS!!!"
Would 2 trust 5?
Shadow: "I trust no one... but Maria!" *cries*
Me: *sigh* "There goes my Saturday..."
Number 4 is bored and pokes 10. What happens after that?
Blaze: "God? Please tell me: What could I have possibly done to deserve this?"
5 and 1 are forced to go back to school together. What study will they pick?
Tails: "A.P Physics!"
Riku: "A.P Lunch!"
If 6 and 3 cooked dinner what would they make?
Me: "Probably pudding...that moves..."
Yoruichi & Ed: "How did you know?"
8 gives 5 a haircut. Is that okay?
Me: *trying to keep a straight face* "It looks...awesome... HA HA HA HA HA!"
Riku: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR?!"
10 and 9 are blushing while they talk. What is their conversation about?
Blaze: "Don't be such a wuss all the time!"
Me: "Hey, when you blush, isn't the blood supposed to be in the cheek, not on it?"
1 accidentally kicked 10?
Blaze: "FUCK OFF YOU PANSY!"
2 sent a message to his/her Bf/Gf but 9 got it. What would happen?
Blaze: *reading the message* "'Maria, I'm still waiting for you, and I'll wait as long as it takes. Please come back to me!' What the hell?"
Shadow: Oh, hey, what's up Blaze?
Blaze: "Shadow? I think we need to talk..."
6 noticed he/she wasn't invited to your birthday?
Me: "I'll give you a hint: I didn't forget."
8 had quite a big secret?
Me: "We already know about your dirty novels, Kakashi!"
Kakashi: "WHAT?! How did you find out?!"
Me: "Easy. The refrigerator is NEVER a good hiding place."
9 became a singer?
Me: *walks away, shaking head*
What would 1 think of 2?
Tails: "Emo fag!"
How would 3 greet 4?
Yoruichi: "No, I don't want to see your scented marker collection, and I swear, if you mention them ONE MORE TIME, I'll shove them up your ass!"
Knuckles: "Well, good morning to you too, bitch!"
What dream would 5 have about 6?
Riku: I had a dream that we became so rich, we bought matching side-by-side mansions! But, there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my backyard... What do you suppose that means?"
Ed: O_O "...Don't ever touch me again..."
What do 6 and 7 have in common?
Ed & Ichigo: "Streak is an ass."
What would make 7 angry at 8?
Ichigo: "WHAT KIND OF JUSTSU INVOLVES SHOVING YOUR FINGERS UP SOMEONE'S ASS? MINE IS STILL SORE!!"
What would make 10 scared of 1?
Tails: "Hi, Silv-"
Silver: "AHHHHH!!" *runs away*
Is 3 Gay?
Me: "I sure as hell hope not!"
Questions by some random person. Commentary by Streak566, even though there was only one XD.
YOUR GUY SIDE: (There is absolutely NO possible way that this could end well. Nevertheless, here we go!)
You love hoodies. (The brilliant, youthful radiance that is my face shall only be revealed to those who are worthy...)
TOTAL: 21 out of 24 (Alright! Great score!)
YOUR GIRL SIDE: (Oh, no...)
You wear lip gloss/stick.
TOTAL: 2 out of 24 (Those two things aren't even technically legitimate anyways, so it might as well be 0 out of 24.)
List by a leprechaun named O'Riley that came to me in a dream last night with a bag of Doritos and a Hawaiian Punch. Commentary by Streak566.
two katanas, a necklace-knife, a medieval shortsword, a dragon cane with a blade hidden in it, a hand-crafted dagger, a badass scimitar (my personal favorite), and a machete
(ability to perceive the spiritual energy of other individuals as "presences")
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