Reviews for The Taurus Key
r.mai chapter 6 . 7/20/2004
*glomps sasha* aw... /
r.mai chapter 5 . 7/20/2004
oh... i was wondering about his hair color... he dyed it...
r.mai chapter 4 . 7/20/2004
yup. low self-esteem issue... go issa! )
r.mai chapter 3 . 7/20/2004
ha ha ha... he gets stuck with a hot guy even though the king told him he'd be ugly... evil king should die. o.O poor sasha... such low self esteem. T_T
Yole chapter 11 . 6/2/2004
That was an utterly beautiful story. It was the best shonenai fiction I have ever read on fictionpress. You say that you will try to put all of your stories together and that they all have the same setting. I think that is the aspect in your writting that you should work on. I don't really know what the world you have created is like or the name of your world. Other than that, and a few spelling and grammer errors, your story is magnificent. Please keep writting!
"If you win getting through the Shoikon Grove, I will give you a toad flavored lollipop, so you can lick the toad, without actually licking the toad!"
fudgelolly chapter 1 . 5/30/2004
Hey cool story. Love it and i'd like to read more! Seriously, your work is better than some other yaoi fics i've read on fictionpress. You have potential and keep writting more stories.
fudgelolly chapter 7 . 5/30/2004
I think your fic is fantastic. Its better than some of the yaoi fics i read on fiction press. The way you express your characters potrays well some innocence and the slight bit of rowdiness of Issai. Cool story. I like it. Do keep writting more of this kind of stories! :)
subtleline chapter 11 . 4/14/2004
I luv your writing style! It's kinda poetic but not too lyrical. Your descriptions and use of color is amazing. I also love the characters. They're so well developed but still have room to grow as well as their mysteries. Please do the sequel!
LindraLyndra chapter 1 . 4/12/2004
Okay, this is the detailed review.
I love you.
Actually - let me revise that.
I completely and utterly love you. Your fiction is EXCELLENT. Your description, grammar, spelling, usage, portrayal - they are all wonderful, and far, far, better than I have come to expect from authors on FictionPress.
I do, however, have one small nitpick - "...mouth moved down his toned, smooth chest, stopping for a moment to elicit a sexy yelp from his shy soldier while..." The 'sexy yelp' part threw me a bit; it seems out of character for Sasha to 'yelp sexily' - that would appear to be the province of Issai, and not Sasha. Sasha would have a 'shy yelp', a 'gentle yelp', since he is not the aggressor, but the recipient, and from what you have said of his characterisation.
And also, a note: the 'sappiness', as you mentioned, actually works well for this story; the entire line of the fiction points to something unrealistic, an almost fairytale-esque feel, and the sappiness, which is, frankly, quite endearing, fits in well with that.
Your long description seems it to be almost a tedious progression, as a reviewer has earlier said - it almost drags the story behind it, which is a symptom of someone who prefers to tell the audience, rather than show. (Note that this also means that readers tend to start scan-reading when the descriptions get heavy, simply because there's so much verbiage and they're not necessarily involved at that point, or have the patience to be involved later on, or to be able to work through the description and pull a scene out of it.)
Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, mind you - you pull it off quite well, with only a few occassional snags - but it may be something that you keep in mind for later fiction where you would be required to describe more action than you have here - try to work it into the flow of the story itself, rather than simply stating it.
For example: "The blonde soldier returned the kiss with all the fervor sent, and more, his hand tangling in Issais soft, sweat-dampened raven hair. For one so wrongfully inexperienced, his innocent zeal more than made up for it."
The first sentence is good, as it relates to actions earlier - 'fervour sent' throws it somewhat, however (change it to 'returning the fervour that had been sent'?) - but the second second is an example of what I've been saying - you TELL that he is inexperienced, but that he was eager enough to cover it - you could, instead, work in 'fumbling' - 'fumbling with his hair', for example, giving a sign that he is not used to it, rather than stating baldly that he is inexperienced.
I would suggest that you don't go all out for TELL or SHOW, but that you try to combine the two; in this work you seem to be relying heavily on TELL, but if you worked in some more SHOW, you could reduce the verbiage and have it flow more - what's the word I'm looking for! my brain is not working - dynamically, and the reader would be able to be more involved in the work and have it relate to them personally.
The best writers create a feeling of actually being there within the story - as in, you are literally spellbound - wordbound, because it plays upon the imagination and you can feel it, feel the touch of soft hair, hear the small whispers of skin against silk, smell the musky odor of pleasure, see their flushed face, taste the drops of sweat on their flushed skin. The best writers use all of the senses to create their works so that the reader can imagine it - the bitter tang of sorrow, the pale ghost of a whisper. You're almost there - not quite, but you're very close to it. Round it out a bit more - use more senses in your work (you're already using touch and smell, which is good) - use more of the senses, and combine them, as I did in my examples - 'tang of sorrow' taste thought, etc., and you'd be wonderful! More wonderful than you are now, that is.
And I suspect that you're slightly 'Huh? But you said - you said!' or similar now. M'dear, you have reached a very, very high standard of writing. You are far closer to achieving perfection in what you do than most - simply through your excellent use of language, grammar and spelling, you are halfway there, since your level of skill in this exceeds the detritus that I all-too-often encounter. And though there are a few random typos - nothing to get upset about, let me assure you - they are not glaring, and another spell-check and a watchful beta would quickly smooth those.
You would be someone that I would very happily beta-work/edit for. Very, very happily indeed. Fiction this good deserves extensive rewards!
Congratulations, Lady Tempest. You have managed to restore my faith in that the multitudes of excruciatingly bad prose that chokes the internet may occassionally turn up a rare gem of a writer - and you appear to be one of those gems. I hope that what I have said has been useful to you, and that I may exchange further communcation later on (which is actually code for "you're a good writer and I want to write as good as you so lets talk and hopefully it'll rub off on me!") on this topic or similar. I will be happy at any time to provide beta services, or question services, or some other writing-related (or not! *amused*) query. :P Just in case you want the service!
Good writing, m'dear!
-Lindra
LindraLyndra chapter 11 . 4/12/2004
I love you.
Actually - let me revise that.
I completely and utterly love you. Your fiction is EXCELLENT. Your description, grammar, spelling, usage, portrayal - they are all wonderful, and far, far, better than I have come to expect from authors on FictionPress.
I will send you a detailed review by email from my email account of lindra the . If you do not get the message, or you accidentally delete it as spam, I will have a copy of the review to resend if it is necessary. :)
DragonsDancer chapter 1 . 3/31/2004
Great story so far. Very well written...Too bad I can't read the rest of it at this moment but I shall return and read the rest*nods* keep up the great work_
Rivana chapter 11 . 2/28/2004
This was a beautiful story...
Sasha L. Miller chapter 11 . 2/6/2004
that was good. i liked it... even though my name is sasha... that took a few chapters to get used to... the fact i am female helped... :-D
I hope you write a sequel... i did get a bit confused at parts... what is the key? i prolly missed it in my scan-read of the story... oh well... you write well and i hope to see more of your work...
J.R. Pickwick chapter 4 . 1/18/2004
(not logged in, too lazy)
Nice story. I read this a few years ago, and it's just as fun this time 'round.
Several points for consideration. First, you need to do the second half of the "Gilded Cage" story. I've been waiting years now!
Which has nothing at all to do with this story, but I figured I might as well say it here as anywhere else.
This piece and the others still have a few typos here and there and could do with another good beta. Nothing glaring, just a few silly mistakes scattered through.
Now, about Sasha. Lovely character. You really had us going, thinking he was some Hunchback of Notre Dame or something. Interesting using racial sensibilities to make him ugly. But, my question is, why on earth would he let the bottom half of his face show? Surely if he were really concerned, he would cover it up with a facecloth. Or he could wear something like a battle-garb version of a burka. Really, it just doesn't fit in the story the way you've got him half-shown like this.
And finish this story, too! (Not that I should be talking; none of my stories are finished, either, but at least I update every year or so...*smiles*
Keep going, you're good!
And you really do have a thing for pale, emotionally damaged men, don't you? They keep on appearing in your work.
SLDK89 chapter 11 . 11/8/2003
Yet again, I'm truly stunned by your written work. I loved this fic SO much! It was just like Gilded Cage, same sadness, same love, but this one was obviously different from the previously mentioned fic. Anyway, like I said, I love this fic. A lot! :)
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