|Reviews for Chronicles of the Hunter|
| marsbreather chapter 32 . 5/16/2009
Alright...it has a LOT of interesting ideas and suffice to say I can tell you are a Buffy fan. A lot of it in here has the feel of the show. Not bad, but not everyone's cup of tea.
First you need some more realism. A scythe versus a guy wielding a rapier? Uh huh. I can see that save wouldn't the demon have a bit more range on the guy? Fighting for ten minutes and both are winded? C'mon in a normal bout of boxing after ten minutes both guys aren't winded they're just getting started. I imagine these guys would have similar staminas.
And details are missing in certain respects. Like HOW did the two fight.
Banter between the characters is good with the hentai references and all. Found that kind of funny. The scenes with Holly and Cross were ocsillating between touching and cliched. He's close to her and all that, but suddenly its like the originality of their interaction is gone and I am left with nothing but stale dialogue. It happens with Bridget and her crew sometimes, too. You should watch that and let more of the characters talk in those situations, not how you think those situations should be.
Situation talking. "I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother, if there's anything I can do just let me know." The two clasp hands and the next mourner walks forward.
Character talking. "Listen, sorry to hear about your grandmother and all...there anything I can do don't hesitate in sending me a call, okay?" The two clasp hands and the next mourner walks forward.
See the differences? Try to rationalize how each character would speak in a given situation. It'll help.
There is also a SHIT TON of background information that I have got to be missing for half of this to actually make sense. I get the general idea and all, but man these people had interactions in the past that you have only hinted at sometimes. It think with a story like this it has lot of backstory and a few more glimmers into it would do wonders for comprehension.
The last would be Phillip. Crazy guy dancing with a girl to the tune of a Disney song. Quite nice...the mortal combat part was a bit showman, but I really don't see why this is some nasty piece of work. It kills indiscrimately and supposedly does horrible things to peopel. Most is hinted at and shown once. Maybe you do show his bad side, but he seems to want to be bad/evil but comes off more badass. Which I feel is confusing. Have him where the skins of his enemies or laugh at how they squirm. Make him more than the TV villain he seems to be.
You need inspiration for evil I got a few fanfics I can point you towards. Or just go read some Lovecraft.
All in all this sounds negative, but there's a lot of potential here and I just wanted to give you some pointers. You don't have to take my words for it, but maybe getting a beta would assist in pointing out a few flaws before publish. Maybe go through the first couple of chapters to tidy them up.
Spend more time on this sucker and its a win. Remember, writing is a time consuming process for good works. I shell out ten thousand words in about five hours, but it takes my beta two to review and me four more to read through it twice more to catch all the mistakes...content and otherwise(not just talking grammar here.) Then, when a revver points out an inconsistency I'm back trying to fix the fucker. So in all one chapter ends up being around ten hours of work. But I think its quality.
Anyway...keep her going and keep some of my points in mind while writing future chapters. I'll be on the look out.
| firemounrain chapter 1 . 1/1/2009
I would change your first paragraph slightly, so as to better catch the reader.
"From his perch atop an abandoned building, a figure masked in shadow looks upon a world that he feels responsible for creating. His guilt for this burns his insides. As he examines the area through binoculars he acquired from the last town, he scans the spaces for his next target- a target that he is certain will come into range soon. He checks faded duster; his weapons are in their accustomed places.
Finally, his target appears from the shadows below, searching for it’s own meal. Like clockwork, the predator launches himself from his position, and lands a mere two feet from his fellow predator.
As the creature recognizes him, he lets a smirk begrime his features."
| Elloh not logged in chapter 2 . 12/22/2002
You really need to finish this Dan. Love the inside joke. Buck was an idiot.
| Unsubtle chapter 1 . 10/15/2002
All right, let's get one thing straight- I like this story. Sounds like it'll be pretty interesting in the future, and I'll be watching.
That said, it's called grammer. We all hate it, but it's hard to read something when there is no punctuation. Patch this up, post some more, keep me happy.