Very nice story! Morbid is the best way to write. There are so many words out there to describe the feeling of despair and angst!

Wow, that was really good and very descriptive. A wonderful great introduction to your story. However, I must agree with one of the reviewers, you could tone down on the big words a little bit. Some of them kind of threw the flow off that you have in your style. Otherwise, it was great and I can't wait to see more!

Note: I do not flame. Flames are good for marshmallows, and that's about it. This is merely constructive criticism for you to do with what you wish. Now, on with the review.

All right, first of all, no offense, but I read in your reviews that everyone likes your vocabulary choices, and they have their arguements for that; I, however, don't, and here is my argument:

(Side note: All of this is assuming that the plot is reasonably sound and has a good pace to it)

Referring to syntax in a story, a writer can often bore or discourage his/her readers with sentences that are far too long/complicated/difficult/etc. A good writer knows that sentences must be varied in length/complication/etc to keep the reader interested. A great writer knows how to do just that. A modern published writer knows how to do that well.

Well, the same can happen with vocabulary. You see, it looks like (in my humble opinion) you took a dictionary, or you went to .com (great site), and pulled out this plethora of SAT words that, while are magnificent to see in print, your Average Reader (aka AR) might not ever have heard of. You never want to discourage AR from reading your story because of this, so unless you are aiming for a college audience who likes big words in nearly every sentence, try to slow down a bit. A little goes a long way (now that I'm done with my cliches for the night, I'll go on).

In terms of vocabulary, less is rarely more, but more is almost always less. You can overdo it, and I think that you did. Shoot for moderation, imagining words like "miasma", "cacophony", and phrases like "jaded apathy" to be like seasoning over food. A little is great for your story, adding almost an exotic flavor at times, but too much easily spoils a great idea for a story.

By the by, try to watch your syntax and grammer. Make sure that your nouns and verbs agree with each other.

Everything I have pointed out is easy to fix if you take the time for it, or, do what I sometimes do, give it to a beta reader and ask them what THEY think about it. Your beta tester should have at least a solid command of the English language, and know the difference between assonance and someone who's asinine (j/k).

Oh yeah, great idea for a story, in case I didn't say that already. I do like the imagery and the alliteration in certain parts. Write more of this, if you're still up to it.

Unless, of course, you're doing this just for the sake of writing, not caring what the readers think. In that case, ignore everything I've just written except for the paragraph directly above this one, and have a nice day.

-FEC

you have a great vocab in this story, good job. good way to toss out the last line as an end also, details are good so far!

~color outside the lines~

ps if you ever get bored, plz r&r some of my stuff, thnx so much!

Wow, what a great beginning to a story, and very well written i might add. I can't wait to find out more. This is going on my favorites -

I absolutely loved your description in this and wonder if you are continuing it. If you are, please notify you and I would greatly oblige to reading it.

I love stories that has a dark view of the world. Your imagery is magnificent. Very good job!

This is beautiful! I love the turning part about rose petals in the wake of bright sunlight...write more!

This piece was perfectly written; also the vocabulary was nice, a variance from all of the simple unisyllable words that most writers utilize nowadays as not to send their readers into boredom. You know, when I read this, it seemed like a perfect way to end a story, perhaps the end of a long campaign for peace, culminating in that final battle that was described in the first part of this story. It would be great if you could write some sort of prequel, and this would be the ending to it, or something along that lines of that.

Whew, that was a mouthful.

Great story anyways,

Blackraven10187

Wow, I have to say that your use if vocab is extraodinary, and that each word seemed to fit perfectly. Your descirtion are vivid an comlex, but although I enjoy their complexity I must say that for an average reader, this story could make their brain spin really fast. I had to nail my thoughts down as soon as I started reading it in order to understand it. Overall I like the concept, and I hope to check out more of your work soon.