Why is she going back to Brian? He was such a jerk at the ice skating rink. This girl is SO dense! I wish she was the one who had gotten raped tbh. Anyway, story was ok. Could've been better tho it was actually less than mediocre kind of like the style a 4th grader writes with. Maybe go back and add more depth to your story and show, not tell.

this is cute so far. cant wait to see what happens

alright i'm not an evil person so you should know this is my first ever flame

this story is literally shit

i thought it was some parody or joke but it's like so STUPID it's not even funny

omg. i can't believe i got past the first chapter. what a waste of my time. i'm gonna be optimistic and say you posted this as a joke because i really can't get over it

Listen, i'm sorry for being such a bitch- well no i'm not actually.

oh lord.

*sigh*

Okay, dont take this as a flame, because it is not. Your plot is okay, although it could be more solid. I read your summary, and I liked the idea a lot.

But...there is a but.

Your writing is a bit immature, and you seem to be writing you chapters without taking the time to read it over, edit, and add more depth. What you probably should do (and this is just advice) is write a story, not state facts, which is what you seem to be doing.

The dear diary bit at the end of each chapters is interesting, but you need to keep it consistent. Intstead of having Alyssa say "I should know, I'm a cheerleader!" You can have Samantha think it. Use spell check, but read it over.

Dont worry about it. You writing will definitely improve. I've gotten some pretty harsh reviews at certain times, and at the time I was angry but ironically, it helped me become a better writer.

I urge you to keep going, but I think if you want to improve on your writing, you should go back and write each chapter over. Think about it.

Repeat not a flame. Read this and imagine a soft motherly voice in your head.

:)

wow... drama! okay, yeah, just stating the obvious. needless to say, kevin is definitely a bastard, and i'm glad that he's temporarily gone. poor, poor allyssa, and poor, poor sam, to have chosen such a bum.

and more tension... kevin seems bastardly. i think he needs to have a time-out or something... jk! but it was very, very short, and i wish that it wasn't.

aha! enter tension! okay... good chapter, definitely, especially the whole thing at kevin's house. he's pushy, isn't he? i'm starting to not particularly like him... on to the next!

new chaptermore sweetness. definitely cute. i liked how you described their make-out session- you didn't go into TOO much detail, so people don't get grossed out, but you managed ot make it really nice and romantic. on to the next chapter!

aw, what a sweet chapter! i'm going to keep reading now, but i hope it gets even better!

okay, this is just funny! Your story just lost all semblance of reality! Hee-hee-hee. k But it is still pretty good. I'm going to finish reading it

I like Vincent. I like how he said "Let's take it slowly" usually a guy will take any lovin' he can get becuase of hormones, so it was cool that he wanted to take it slow. But a few more unrealistic things. the parents not there when she wakes up? come on, any mother, unless they just don't care, would be right there holding their baby's hand when she wakes up, and comforting her. And having Samantha being the one who let the parent's know? that's completely unrealistic. The hospital would be the ones to break the news. Or you could have it where she calls the parents imediately when she finds Alyssa, that would be more realistic.

the one last thing that made this chapter barely believable was Alyssa's attitude towards the whole thing. I think, even if she is a bright cheery person, it would affect her in some way. And I mean, wasn't Kevin a footbal player too? Wouldn't she hesitate when another football player asks her out? Please think about this stuff.

And please read and review my work like your promised in your ad.

some powerful stuff in this chappie, but I found the whole "talk together like adults" scenario unbelievable. I don't see that happening in real life, especially without a teacher present. And that whole thing with Kevin calling in his friend, I don't exactly believe that either.

Uh-oh. Kevin doesn't sound like such a nice girl anymore. Is he one of those jerks who just gets a girl to do what he wants and them dumps her?

Yippee! Nice chapter. Very realistic. Different from normal romance. I like their "boring" conversation, just maybe take one or two of the borings out, otherwise it is a littlt too "boring"! but it was really cool that you put that in there becuase people do talk like that nowadays but a lot of people don't write like that. I think you ending every chapter with a diary entry is a really neat and unique idea.

I liked the ending the best. The diary entry sounds just like one my friends or I would write if this happened to us. The only think that bothered me was the names. Kevin and Samantha are staple romance names. They just don't sound that unique.