|Reviews for Cosmic Strife Saga: Alpha Squadron Trilogy|
| Korsriddare chapter 3 . 2/2/2005
Thanks for your review
I only had time to read the first 3 chapters, or rather, chapter 1, but i felt that it is going to be a good story (not to mention the numbers of reviews you have recieved).
My..i do detect traces of gundam, halo and star wars in your story..haha..
Looking forward to reading your other chapters :D
| T. H. Lawrence chapter 5 . 1/11/2005
This story of yours is starting to draw me in more, though I obviously still have a long way to go! Any story can be improved, no matter how clean, though. So, here's another attempt of mine at a critique.
“I what with the war with OZ going like it is.”-This is probably a mistype, so could you clarify what you meant here?
“And what could they possibly get in Confederate space that they can't get here.”-This is just me bieng picky, but you could have used a question mark in place of the period
“…some one would have gotten hurt, at least.”-You could have taken the space out between 'some' and 'one,' though it is a common mistake.
“…the rebel organization known as ILF the Independence and Liberation Front.”-My suggestion here would be to put a comma in between ‘ILF’ and ‘the.' Although the odds of someone actually thinking that their name is 'ILF the Independence and Liberation Front,' and then asking what ILF means are pretty slim (unless they're really daft), it's always best to avoid taking that chance.
“Antes Eslos led Blue Flight, which consisted of Jamin Myveson, Dara Joyce, and Camilo Ripley, into the Fight for Freedom simulation. Historically, the Fight for Freedom dated back to…”“The Freedom was lost with all hands. Blue Flight was the fighter escort for the Freedom.”-Though, individually, the sentences themselves are pretty clean, the placement of the last one seems a bit awkward. Maybe you should try telling the reader what Blue Flight’s role earlier on, as you were introducing the scenario, and then give the history.
”Antes flipped a switch over his head that folded the wings of the Z-42 from canted angle that was the standard flight mode to the flat 180 degree angle that was ideal for combat and poised to attack. “-I'd like it if you would add some info on how the wings were canted before, and what the advantages were in standard flight (I've seen many fighter models with wings tilted at different angles, and I'm wondering what approach this fighter has taken)
“…Jamin you hit it with a second, Camilo a third, and Dara if we need to a fourth. We clear on that?" Double clicking on the comm answered him signifying an affirmative.” -This is just me being picky again, but these could have been worded a little more clearly. It's really something that an editor would complain about, and you could just leave it as is if you feel like it.
As for detail, you've done pretty well, though I'd like to see a bit more on the personality of the different characters, as well as the architecture on the fighters, and what the planets looked like.
Anyway, you've done a great job up to this point, and I'm positive that it only gets better later on!
| MiroFTW chapter 44 . 1/5/2005
if you dont already know, im not a particularily *huge* fan of starfighter dog fights. the macross touch seems kinda bland/cliche to me, but you have your own creative license. the writing was well done for that part.
i'm surprised to see cyrrin go; thought he'd make it through the war but alas, in real wars, people die and this was a great example of a fallen hero. the only gripe i have is with this one part where rykerson's talking trash and cyrrin goes off cooly "No." it works once in a novel but when it becomes repeated, it becomes redundant and overused to the point that it just loses it's initial touch. i'm pretty sure you've used it in previous chapters. once, okay, but more than once is just blah.
overall, this was a solid chapter. the battles added a nice touch. i saw a few grammatical errors with the chapter that can be fixed by going over it, nothing big. i'll be waiting for the action to continue, esp. con (who btw is becoming more and more like riddick) and valkyrie unit's duel with the three membered royal flush :D
| Chagan chapter 44 . 1/3/2005
You bastards! You destroyed it! Damn you all to hell!You're going to die for deceiving me chapter, and the ending was a big surprise. 4 chapters left now- lets see where this goes.
| Chagan chapter 43 . 12/28/2004
Good thing you're on a writing spree, cuz I have to see the battle soon. And I'm glad the setting up is done :D. Time for some action!Couldnt really find any problems in the chapter, so I must be forgiven. Good work on I've said before, this is fast becoming Enygma's story...and it was nice to see more of Elanger in this.
| MiroFTW chapter 43 . 12/26/2004
ahh i can see everything coming together in one final battle.
the chapter had a weird feel to it, some parts carrying a melancholy feel to it, and others carrying that of suspense. overall though, you accomplished the objective which was to bring everything into a gift wrapped package.
the chapter was overall good but theres just one part that's nagging at me, and that's where Elanger took control of the GSA forces. it just seemed too easy, too sudden and too unreal. the coup itself was also somewhat weird, with no messy fighting, and no sneaking involved. it seemed as if there wasnt any forces on HQ.
Elanger's true intentions are revealed here. i had a nostalgic feeling reading that bit but it was good. ties alot of loose ends together.
anyways, this was a nice chapter. just a few more and everything will all be over. i'm waiting for the next chapter so hurry up! no more hiatuses!
| SqurielLord chapter 42 . 12/22/2004
...oh! Dude, sweet plot twist. The Valkries are too smart...never thougth that would 't teh Mass-Produced Guncrosses have to be piloted by people with teh nero-link as well? Or is the nero-link only required for the remote weapons for the hammerheads and the turbo system?Nice death start attack run 's going to die? I wonder... MAKE THIS A BOOK!Thank YOu for your
| T. H. Lawrence chapter 3 . 12/21/2004
I guess I'm the new guy on your review page... anyway, first off, great story! However, there's some things I wasn't too sure about, and I don't think anyone else brought it up. First, your writing could have been a little cleaner, for example, early on in the prologue, you said, "Cyrrin was a Lieutenant in Lancer Squadron a starfighter squadron in the Galactic Space Alliance," while you probably could have had a comma between "Lancer Squadron," and "a starfighter squadron". Seccondly, I wanted to comment on the names of some of your characters, and one of your forces. First off, we both know who the two characters named Captain Keyes are in Halo (I'm a huge fan myself), and while I find it amusing, and a bit clever that you have a character called that in your story, you should be careful about how often and how obvoius those refferences are (you can't be too careful on this site). A few other possible refferences I noticed were names like Zeon Starbuck (there was a character named Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica) and his force, named OZ (apparently that's the name of one of the forces in Gundam Wing, according to some of my friends). I'm not sure if these two were intentional, but again, it's up to you if you want to keep it this way, and don't cut it too close. Once again, I'd like to compliment you on a great story, you're pretty talented. I'm going to continue reading now, and I'll post anything else I notice (that hopefully hasn't been mentioned already).
| Chagan chapter 42 . 12/19/2004
I've already seen most of the chapter, and you know I thought it was awesome (the scenes with Enygma and Spade especially). Everything else was good as well. Admittedly, the datapad from Enygma's father didnt have as much impact on me as it should have, but that might have something to do with the fact that I'dforgotten he hates him...anyway, I like how it feels like his dad's stammering in the message as well, that was nicely done...
| MiroFTW chapter 42 . 12/19/2004
i can everything's really coming together now. enygma was a nice centerstage for this chapter. i like how you fleshed out his past with the message from his father. the conversation with roran and the general was very 'MG' ish, reminding me of the ending of MGS1 with ocelot.
you also had a nice plot twist with the origins of Royal Flush and Valkyrie unit. reminded me of my original cyborg agents, but you've made them unique in your very own way. i also didnt expect the suicide of Bjelejac, and im waiting to see what Jace does.
Lastly, the FB was a nice touch. really reminded me of the Mobius Zero. I'm waiting to see how you use that action.
You've set the stages... now I'm just waiting for the action. good job and keep on it, MC. only a few more chapters to go. :)
| MiroFTW chapter 41 . 11/27/2004
ah finally nice to see you updated again. everything's flowing together finally. essentially the chapter is a sort of a prelude to bigger events to come *cough* battle of sol *cough* but it's pulling me in.
i can't wait to read con infiltrating the nova fortress.
there is, however, this nagging feeling that's telling me that all your characters always seems open for love at any moment :D
overall good chapter. i'm definitely interesed in seeing more of what will happen next so hopefully we won't have to wait another long time before you update. keep up the good work!
| Chagan chapter 41 . 11/27/2004
Your knack of ending with cliffhangars notwithstanding (ok so I like cliffhangars...), this ruled as usual.
The problems, to start with, were mainly in the grammatical department- you tend to repeat words quite a bit. Otherwise, the perspectives with the Spade scene was the only other problem.
This set up for the coming events very well. It flowed much better than what you've written perviously- it felt more you didnt tell me Nova was headed for Sol, you bastard also nice to see the main characters come back into focus as a team. This is no doubt gonna be the biggest and baddest of the battles so far :D
| DPTRM chapter 38 . 9/10/2004
Things are really heating up, can't wait for more.
| MiroFTW chapter 38 . 9/10/2004
well, i see the battle of sola has begun. as far as reading goes, i've read it before and i just read it again. looks nice and well done. little to no grammar mistakes here. there's also your share of space dogfights that mark your signature stuff.
anyways, i'll be waiting for the fresh stuff to come around, which would be chapters after 39. until then, keep up the good work.
| MiroFTW chapter 37 . 9/10/2004
it's been too long since you last updated i should say before i begin to review. i guess that's what makes everything seem so foreign when i read it.
first important order of business. this might not be the first time you're hearing it from me, but i guess i should mention it nonetheless. you have too many characters. way too many. it becomes a problem and i'll explain in the review.
i'll start with the political outlook. you got a deep political view of your war. Up to this point, we begin to see the unraveling of separate conspiracies and such hidden agendas, that they become unexpected. this would be great and all... but you keep introducing new characters and new weapons that your story becomes dragged out. AS could've taken over three novels by now... but you've got too much going on is what i'm trying to say. if you were ever to do a revisoin of AS, might i suggest separate novels.
second order of business: grammar and text
you've been pretty consistant with your writing so far, and it's not uncommon to make grammar mistakes but i noticed quite a few in this one. i guess you've been skimming on your editing lately which might be a reason as to why i saw a few mistakes, but they didnt de-rail me to a great extent; still i'd just like to point them out.
"Byron’s connections proved to be invaluable to Quinton as his innovations and ideas would soon be passed up through the channels. Were it not for Quinton Einbert, the Anti Capital Ship missile wouldn’t be possible. He even perfected a cloning process that would allow for an exact replica of one person. The X-7 Armor that the Valkyrie Unit used. When he initially drew up the designs for Nova Fortress, he was unaware of its destructive potential. Byron, on the other hand, always knew of Nova Fortress’ destructive potential."
you're trying to say too much here. throwing stuff at readers in this kind of clump can be confusing. first off, you're saying his innovations made a big impact. second off, you're listing his inventions. third off, you wander to a new topic, the nova fortress which you describe little about.. try to spread out your writing here.
as far as grammar goes, that was the only grime i had. there might've been a few mistakes/ words that i would've chosen differently to use, but each writer has his/her own creative license. next time, just double check your chapter again. editing really does pay off in the end, a lesson i learned the hard way.
i guess the last order of business is where i'll talk about the anticipated Con Rafale character that i've been waiting for.
he reminds me alot of the sean connery in the untouchables but with a serious arrogance problem. but then again, i guess being trapped in a maximum security prison in the core of the sun can do that to you.
first off, you have a guard with a shotgun holding a barrel down at con's cell. why? they had intents of killing him? could've done it from the outside. thinking this is a maxium security prison, the guards would at least put up a decent fight.
second off, shotguns. i guess in the future those guns are gonna be recoil-less because holding two shotguns and having good aim takes up quite some practice. especially for someone who hasnt touched a gun in god knows how long lol.
third off, WHY SHOTGUNS? sorry this is just a random fanboy comment but WHY? they're so degrading of the character. boom and someone's gone. so damn amazing you know...
now about a few details...
"They both had no idea who this guy was, but could tell only by his demeanor and the way that he carried himself that he was a serious bad ass—probably former special ops."
that just degraded con's bad assness by ten levels. i guess what i'm trying to say is, don't tell me he's a bad ass. i would know it from reading the material. i think if you replaced those two words, he might've seemed a bit more likable.
and now.. the fight with valkyrie. remember what i said before about having too much characters? well this is where the true 'controversy' of the chapter takes place. if someone were to read this, he would have not a damn clue who he was to root in all these random battles between the 'titans'. they all seem biased, only going with the momentum on the chapter as the story progresses.
looking back, older characters become obsolete and newer ones take over. i guess that's one side effect with having too many of them. your fight here is well done, in terms of writing goes. in terms of how the plot goes, i'm not too sure i was quite fond of it. in this chapter, you degraded the level of five warriors to one single prison. again as i said before, it seems the battles are won to go with the flow.
here, on one hand you have a character who has not fought in god knows how long. of course, he can train but he hasn't seem combat for quite some time now. immediatly, he rushes out of the flood gates with the strength of superman and the nerves of a charging bull. on the other hand, you have five trained veteran fighters who have seen combat for the past few months continuously and yet they lose to this new 'bad mouthing bringer of death'. i find that relatively hard to believe, even if it's a five on one.
the dialogue from con was constant mouthing off someone, or someone to that extent. really bad temper? even without a formal introduction to the valkyrie unit (and by formal, he didnt even take the chance to say anything to valkyrie and just going "only sent five? that's just fucking insulting." it makes con seem so full of himself.
there was another grime i found in their dialogue. i fail to realize in the writing where con and the valkyrie unit already know of the royal flush. they speak of it as if it were so casual, but i think this is the first time they've clashed against the lone 'agent'.
last few thoughts which i think is really dependant from reader to reader. imo, you dragged out a long, unnecessary gunfight. no one died, no one got fatally wounded (at least there's no side effects yet) and both leave. action is good, but if it's all action and no substance. it's just 'filler' that does no real purpose to move the story along. i think, what you were trying to show here was the badassness of con, by having him take on five veterans. instead, what you've shown here is the degrading of five good soldiers that have been matched even, where it was five guys versus one.
as you can, there were quite a few grimes i've had with this chapter, and some of the entire AS novel that i'm revealing now (too many characters, too convoluted of a plot). al in all, the chapter was entertaining, but not the best that i've seen in the AS universe. nothing here is to be taken personal although i do realize i sound like i'm flaming.
anyways, good chapter and i'll be waiting for the next. hopefully, it won't take as long as this one had to take.