Reviews for Duman Ojarji
NecromancerStan chapter 5 . 11/10/2006
Overall, your grasp of grammar and spelling are quite good. You also have a skill at coming up with varied, easily distinguished names.

However, I've found quite a bit to critique in your writing.

- There is a world out there, and you have the internet. This means that you have the ability to research hundreds of legends, dozens of cultures, thousands of gods, and millions of monsters. What does this means? You don't have to rely on such clichés as dragons, demons, elves, and half-breeds- you can do research that will lead you to interesting monsters and myths on which to build the races within your writing.

- If you're going to have powerful beings such as dragons and demons in your story, please don't make them easy to kill. If your character can slaughter three dragons in a single paragraph, it's likely that he's too powerful, or the dragons aren't as nasty as you're making them out to be. Part of the appeal of dangerous, powerful things is that the hero can't beat them easily.

- Don't bend your own canon, /please/. If magic isn't known to humans? Don't have mages. If demons don't go into human lands? Then don't have them going on human lands.

- Bluntly? Your characters are too powerful. It almost hurt when Ojarji revealed that 'it would be touch but he had faced force odds' (partially because of the touch/tough and force/worse mix up). Worse odds than fifty powerful black dragons against one human-demon hybrid? Good Lord.

- I suggest not using 'or something like that', 'most likely' or any of their unsure relatives. As the writer, you should always know what is going on, and it should never be communicated to the reader that you don't. If you really don't know the cause for something, do some research or work out that bit of your plot before continuing to write.

- An apostrophe is used to hold the place of a missing letter (as in contractions: do not contracts into don't) or to make a noun possessive (Bob's things). Therefore, horse's means that the horse is possessing something, not that there are multiple horses.

- Sentence variety. If all of your sentences go "Bob did this. Then Bob did this. Then Bob said, "This"' You're going to loose the reader's attention. Try variety. It tastes good.

- Word variety. If you find yourself using the word 'ran' three times within two paragraphs, your action probably needs to be spruced up- try having your characters do other things. If the repetition is unavoidable, try using variations on the word, such as 'trotted' or 'loped' (of course, never use a thesaurus without checking the definition of the replacement word, first; often, it will not have the exact meaning of the original).

- Remember, never use 'big words' just to use them. I haven't noticed you doing this, but often writers will suddenly pack their prose with giant words when critiqued on word variety. This isn't good.

- Read over your writing before you post to try and catch all of those word mix-ups. This proofreading will also allow you to pick up on any other silly errors. You can also try to secure the help of another writer to read over, or beta, your work.

- Try referring to things by one name: dragon or wyrm, not both. If you find yourself using the same word ten times in one paragraph, your paragraph probably has underlying content issues that need to be examined. Also, take into account the mental image that will come with preexisting creatures. Generally, people think of wings, four limbs, and fire breathing when they hear the word 'dragon', but of something more snake-y when they hear 'wyrm'. 'Wyrm' is also sometimes used to describe a dragon of advanced age (as in 'Dungeons & Dragons').

- Remember, only proper nouns should be capitalized.

- Instead of using adverbs (quickly, quietly) try using stronger verbs (ran, tip-toed). So ‘He walked quickly.’ would turn to ‘He ran.’, or ‘He walked quietly.’ to ‘He tip-toed.’. Also, if you have the sentence ‘He ran quickly.’, cut out the quickly- it’s unneeded.

Some specific critique, in an attempt to illustrate my points, follows.

Chapter 1, paragraph 1:

'There are many worlds that exist and many creatures live within them ((a bit awkward- since one assumes that the worlds are existing, 'that exist' can be cut out, and you could probably make the sentence a bit more interesting by rewording it. Perhaps 'There are many worlds and many creatures who live upon them'.)). There is the world of men, where only men walk and magic is long forgotten. Then there is the land of the demons, where the nine remaining demon gods rule and no light shines. There are world of angels and higher beings of light, the world where no shadow falls and no death lurks. ((Considering these three sentences, the first could easily be cut out. Additionally, slight rewording so that the pace is slightly different will increase interest.))'

Thus, a rewrite might look something like this:

'There are many worlds and many creatures who live upon them. Demons, humans, angels- sometimes in conflict, their lands different. Where man treads, no magic ventures. With the demons come darkness and their nine gods. Angels and beings of light inhabit a world of eternal life and endless light.'

Note the variety in the sentence structure. Although, as a general rule, it's better to start with an action sequence, allowing your characters and setting to demonstrate the world, rather than shoving it in the reader's face.

Chapter 2, paragraph 1, sentence 1:

'Mirok, the ancestor of Irok, who he was named after.'

1) This is a sentence fragment.

2) I do believe that you cannot be the ancestor of the person you were named after, which is what this sentence conveys. Equally, the reader can see the resemblance in names, and it does not even need to be pointed out- in fact, since the reader doesn't know who Irok is, this information isn't needed.

So, a possible rewrite (using material from the rest of the paragraph) would be:

'Mirok: young, yet head of the House of the Dragon, leader of the Dragon Riders, pride of his race and house. It was even whispered behind closed doors that he would become overlord of war, the Tonar of Stira, within the year.'

Although the choppiness could work, I've cut it out here in favor of smoothness.

Happy Writings,

Stan
malevolentdeath chapter 30 . 12/28/2004
Very nice chapter. Just watch out for typos and spelling mistakes and it will be beautiful. Brilliant job and I can't wait for more!
evil-kenshin chapter 30 . 12/21/2004
exelent fic so far, a few spelling errors and stuff and words mixed up (such as "life for live" should be live for life), but still great, update soon
malevolent death chapter 29 . 11/28/2004
Another amazing chapter! The plot is moving along nicely, but watch out for spelling mistakes! Other than that, I can't wait for another chapter! I need to read more!
malevolent-death chapter 28 . 11/21/2004
Very nice chapter. However, there were more spelling/punctuation mistakes then usual, just be wary of stuff like that and do spell check. It might also help to read it out loud so you can notice some mistakes. Other than that, the plot is moving along nicely. Great job and update soon!
malevolent-death chapter 26 . 10/5/2004
Whoa! Long chapter! O_O Took me a while to read. _ Anyways, my only suggestion is to really pay attention to spelling. I noticed that you used 'life' instead of 'live' and those easy-to-fix errors. Just watch out for those, and I think you'll be fine. Can't wait to read moreand please update soon!
malevolent-death chapter 25 . 9/5/2004
Absolutely amazing. The action was terrific. Except for some spelling errors it was wonderful. I can't wait for another update! Great job!
malevolent-death chapter 25 . 9/5/2004
Absolutely amazing. The action was terrific. Except for some spelling errors it was wonderful. I can't wait for another update! Great job!
Saeger chapter 24 . 8/16/2004
Talk about frustrating! You hint so much at what happened in the past of this story, the wars and experiences before it takes place...
And then you leave at a cliffhanger to boot! ::pouts:: Well, it's a good chapter, you get a lot of bases covered. And I still want to read more.
Especially if you're willing to write a prequel to it... I want to read about everybody's pasts now, before or when they all met... You keep hinting at Hill de Cof's in specific, adn it sounds so... Interesting, in the least words.
malevolent-death chapter 24 . 8/16/2004
Another great chapter! No major spelling or grammar errors. Wonderful job, and please PLEASE update soon! _
malevolent-death chapter 23 . 8/8/2004
I don't have much to say, another great chapter deserves a longer review but my only comment is to watch out for spelling errors and everybody has to watch out for those. _ Please update soon!
Saeger chapter 23 . 8/2/2004
Oh! A colony of rebel children! I like Antheus. And I'm really glad Ojarji is in good hands, even if they are young. Hill de Cof really isn't a people person, but it's funt to see his interactions with them. Keep it up! I want to see where this is going.
Turbo Cookie chapter 3 . 8/1/2004
hm super mysterious ending... AWESOME! *gives you muffin*
Turbo Cookie chapter 2 . 8/1/2004
wow.. anyother super chapter. :P great ideas, with the sword and everything. *claps and gives cookie*
Turbo Cookie chapter 1 . 8/1/2004
HEY! thanks for reviewing my story :) I'm really glad you did, or i wouldn't have come across your master piece. Very well written and very thought out. You have talent. :)
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