Reviews for Of Tetonya
LucyRowanVictoria chapter 9 . 8/7/2016
Like before mentioned, I think this a really cool story.
LucyRowanVictoria chapter 6 . 8/7/2016
Cool story thus far. I feel bad for Tanika.
Tanya chapter 9 . 11/23/2013
It's stories like this one that I came to Fictionpress to begin with. A riveting story, believable characters, and a history so simple and easy to understand that really helps to build the plot. I enjoy this story so much, and I especially like Keith. I have one issue, though. I don't understand how Tanika will so easily accept being beaten by her step-father but react so vehemently when it seems to be coming from anyone else. I sort of see the point about since it was coming from her legal guardian, it could be seen as right, but for some reason it doesn't make sense. I guess it just seems like her personality went from submissive to defensive too quickly to me. I guess it could be because of the Tetonya, but I am still somewhat miffed haha.
I appreciate your talent and can't wait for the next installment. :)
SweetlilSunshine chapter 9 . 3/3/2012
Wow that was amazingly written. You are really beautiful with your words and can tell the story with a very captivating matter.
La Bruja de Escritura chapter 9 . 2/1/2009
'ello. I've just finished reading your story (most of it for the second time, but the last chapter for the first time) and I just wanted to let you know what I think. First, I think that my former reviews were nothing short of ridiculous, and I have no idea what I was talking about in half of them, and remember very little of the plans and scenes that you, Ashley, Athena, and I talked about.

Anyway, overall, I really like it. In terms of characters, I think Tanika is a really strong character with a lot of potential. However, she seems a little... unrealistic in some ways. No, unrealistic isn't the right word. For example, obviously I don't know as much about Tanika as you do, but I think that the way she thinks of Tetonya doesn't make her a believable character. Sure, she's got a lot of moral reasons as to why she doesn't want to use it, which she explains very articulately. However, think about it: if you are in a life-threatening situation, chances are you'll be doing everything you can to survive, and not thinking too much about the morality of the thing that you are doing to survive. And after you've used your secret weapon, you may reflect to yourself "how can this be evil if it's just saved my life? Oh, right. It's designed to be deceptive. But how bad is deception? Because all truth is subjective." Or maybe "Since I'm evil just because I possess Tetonya why not go one step further and use it to my advantage?" Or perhaps she'll go and commit suicide because she's just used the most evil thing that she can think of, and she has no way of living with herself anyway after that. I guess what I'm trying to say with this little rant is does she really feel strongly enough about Tetonya that she's going to have enough self-control not to let it slip out while she's being beaten? On the up side, the thing I really like about Tanika is how she's come out of an abusive situation. She's so innocent, and yet she's very spirited and opinionated on certain subjects like Tetonya. Opinionated yet innocent is hard to pull off realistically, so props for that.

Keith still isn't my favourite character, but I think that he's got potential. I like that he's the Commander of the Guards (don't remember what the exact title is) and yet he's done precisely what he's not supposed to do and isn't opposed to bending the rules, because contradictions make people interesting. However, he gets a little ridiculous when he's talking about Nathan, like Nathan is his obsession. Dead father's dying wish is one thing to make a person behave a certain way, but I'm not sure how long that would last as a motivating factor. Let's see more of Keith being Keith because Keith wants to be Keith rather than because Keith's father wants Keith to be Keith (because being the Commander of the Guards is obviously a big part of Keith). If that makes sense.

Nathan... We haven't seen much of Nathan yet, but what I see, I like, even though he has a pretty typical leader's complex. By typical leader's complex I mean that he's nice to the servants, everyone loves him except evil Richard (which is a great evil name, btw), but he doesn't want hordes of guards around him and he gets (for lack of a better term) worker's block and procrastinates just like the next man. We see a lot of leaders like that. What makes Nathan stand apart (both as a person and as a leader) from those other leaders we've read about, apart from the fact that he has a cool original title like "Lord High Guard?" (The salute thing is very cool also, btw.)

Seth... not sure why I liked him so much before (you know what I mean). I think that the way you've written Seth he is a lot of fun and he has a lot of room to grow as a character. However, he's also somewhat of a typical young leader: always wants to be in charge, somewhat immature, doesn't really always see reason. However, as I don't think you've planned any narrative from Seth's point of view (or have you?), I don't think this will matter too much, and Seth will simply be a fun side character that we get to watch grow when we're not too occupied with the main three.

In terms of writing. We'll start with the prologue. I don't like the first part of the prologue very much, and I'll tell you why. The way you've written it, it sounds exactly like Star Wars to me: "Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Darth Vader threatened planet Xenab." Or whatever Star Wars is about. I like the information that this part of the prologue contained, and I know that the reader needs to understand the background rather than just be thrown into the sanctuary with no means of orientating him/herself, but I don't like how you wrote it.

If it was me writing this story (which it's clearly not, the decisions are totally yours, and if you do keep it how it is, may I suggest taking out the word hence and replacing it with something else?), I would cut out the Star Wars-esque part, and start straight with "This meeting will commence." True, you'd have to work in small explanations of Raccra and Tetonya in the prose, but people would get the point. The two groups hate each other, it's obviously set in another world (or at least another time), the Tetonyans clearly have the power. And then, if necessary, you can add specifics throughout the story. Maybe Tanika herself doesn't know how the Raccra came to be, so one day she asks Nathan or Keith or another servant, and then they tell her the legend.

Actually, if it was me, I would get rid of the whole prologue, and I'll tell you why. First, people are lazy, and many don't like to read prologues. Second, I think everything that is in the prologue right now can be explained in a natural way throughout the rest of the book. Third, as you mentioned, the names and dates are hard to keep track of, and I think that it would be more effective if you introduced characters and then stuck with them, which is the way your first chapter goes (There's Tanika, then BAM! More Tanika :)).

So, this is how I would do it. I would start with the first chapter you have (omitting, of course, the "8 years later" part). Then, right after Dosca says, "Those Tetonyans breed the laziest little brats!" instead of going right into "Tanika picked up the basket..." you could maybe do something like "Tanika knew her mother was referencing the fact that her father had been Tetonyan, endowed with the ancient magic of Tetonya." (Crap sentence, I know, but you get the idea...) Of course, if you took out your prologue, you would have to do a lot of careful reworking of your first couple of chapters so that you could insert all the necessary information without making the prose seem forced.

I think what it comes down to is personal preference. If you think that the story works best the way it is right now, by all means keep it, because it is great work. But I'm also just trying to give you other options to consider.

I can't remember if I had anything else to say or not, but I don't think so. That was pretty much it. Hopefully you will actually start WORKING on this again, now that I've reminded you of it by giving you this review. So, you should definitely update soon.

Also, I dunno if you noticed, but I posted a new chapter to a story that I'm writing, which you should read and then review. It would be much appreciated.

Once again, START WRITING! The world would be a happier place with more writers like you :)
Shanachie chapter 9 . 12/4/2006
Hao jiu bu jian! Thanks for the update. (I haven't been on this Web site in a long while, so I've had some catching up to do.) I just have a few remarks:

First of all, I agree with one of your reviewers-more showing and less telling would be good. There are a lot of parenthetical explanations that probably don't need to be laid out all at once-like Keith's background with Nathan, his relationship with his father, &c. Clearly you have given these characters a great deal of development before they ever hit the page, but the narrative voice seems in a hurry to plow right through all that and keep the reader constantly up to speed. It's okay to withhold some things and let them come out later.

By the same token, there's a lot of administrative detail that may not need to be there either. I sort of get the Tetonyan-Raccran dynamic, and the way their leaders interact (and squabble), but I think it could be more effective if you left some things out-in fact, after the prologue, you could leave out the history and politics altogether. That's just an idea, though. You know better than anyone how you want this story to be told.

I'm a little confused by the structure. I have the impression that Kykelle and Musique will be of some importance to the story, as they were introduced so early, but they seem to have been left behind...?

But anyway, altogether, this is a good story so far and has a lot of potential. Tanika's inner conflict is nicely and subtly conveyed. (Keith is still something of a cipher, but I guess he's supposed to be.) And even if you didn't intend to end chapter 9 that way, I like that last line.

(Incidentally, if you like poetry at all, feel free to return the favor of reviewing. I have a couple of haiku sets I'm rather fond of, but not many people read that sort of thing.:)
Museworks chapter 1 . 12/2/2006
-cont'd from last review, which got cut off by accident-


... (anomaly or abnormality - I think I made a typo). So you may want to clarify whether these magic-less people were in hiding to begin with, or their numbers grew in recent years.

Interesting that the Lords of the Land would try to protect the Raccra - sounds like sympathy, which seems uncharacteristic of elitist lords of a land. Maybe clarify that they could no longer stand the "civil unrest" or "disturbances" were pressured by Tetonya "activists" who got sick of their neighbors' violence? (Motivation needs to be clearer.)

Good job setting up the political hierarchy in the room.

"Pessimistic" seems a rather mild word for Rikord. P.S. He has no sense of tact. Good characterization, though, of both Rikord and Naton.

Oh, okay, explanation of Rikord's actions. That helps.

"Looked at Ortac as if he had answers." LOL. Nice.

"The only entrance to the Sanctuary will be through Tetonya Palace. No Tetonyan man will be allowed anywhere inside the wall, including the Palace, unless he is in uniform." These lines are confusing, especially the part "including the Palace." Not sure what you meant here.

"Calm hung by a thread" - Great line.

"That’s better, thought Naton" - rapid shift in POV from 3rd omniscient to personal. It's all right if you intended for that to happen, but I thought I'd point it out.

"No one knew it about the Lord Head Councilor currently." Awkward. Consider sticking the adverb someplace else, like after "no one," or using "at the moment," etc.

The details on the government are very lengthy for a first chapter. If you don't need all of these details immediately, I'd consider weaving them into the story a bit later, instead of listing them all here. Also, if there are any details that aren't directly pertinent to the plot, it's better not to include them. (If you have a gun in Act I, it must go off in Act I.)

Overall, pretty strong chapter. The grammar, etc. is good, and the organization and line of action is well thought out. Main problem is the lengthiness of the governmental details-very heavy for the first chapter of a story. Aside from that, not too much to criticize.

(Will return to review next chapters later.)

G. London
FantasiaFirst chapter 9 . 11/29/2006
I think it's going well. It gets me in all the way. Didnt stop til I reached the end. A bit less telling and more showing perhaps could improve the story. That's my bit! Keep up the work!
Gracey London chapter 1 . 11/29/2006
All right, just to let you know, I tend to be brutally honest when I review good stories. So if I say anything that gets under your skin, just remember that it's my personal opinion and the story's ultimately yours. (Although it would appear, given your disclaimer, that you're already well aware of that. :)

Here goes.

Interesting beginning, but the part about the population without magic growing was a bit confusing. It says in the beginning that this boy without magic was "not an ordinary boy"-sounds like an anomality.
blah chapter 8 . 6/2/2006
i really like your story, but are you going to update? please update.
blah chapter 8 . 4/22/2006
I just metaphorically stumbled over your story and I found it fascinating. Your plot is intriguing and I want to know what happens next? Will you update this story? I see that you haven't for about two years and I just hate to see a story of this caliber just pause like this. Please update.
LostInbDarkness chapter 8 . 6/29/2005
its sad to see that this story wont be updated, however what can be done, liked the wtory, if you did publish it one day i probly would not mind buying it. bin nice reading to pss some of my time anyhow, thanks for the story so far.
egostistic person chapter 1 . 3/8/2005
Angry boy music? For you information it the best damn music ever. Classical music sucks!
Jhanvi chapter 7 . 7/30/2004
Update, pleese! I'm dyin' here.
fatpat60 chapter 7 . 4/9/2004
Hello, it's been a while but I finally got around to reading again. I think I can describe the past two chapters with one word, or at least try with one word: WOW. Your characters are absolutely brilliant. Your description of their thoughts, the timely inclusion of moment from their past, their speech, everything about them is absolutely amazing. The way you write your characters really brings them to life and is really in essence what drives your story. I haven't entirely figured out where everything is going but just reading about the characters is interesting enough, too much so. Not that that is a bad thing. It's absolutely wonderful. Each character is perfectly detailed and just so lively, absolutely wonderful it is, to read about them. In two simple scenes (Lord High Guard Negotiating and The Peasant Attack) we learn so much about the Lord High Guard, Lord Seth and Keith. Brilliant, I love the relationship between Keith and Seth. Great job! great characters. Sometimes I get lost in the narration between dialogues and end up wondering what exactly the characters are doing? (are they sitting, standing or walking) I thought Lord High was walking around when he was talking to the family but then the sentence where slides Natasha off his lap made me realize he was sitting. In essence, there was so much being said, or so many descriptions of thoughts passing back and forth I got lost a bit, not sure how you could improve that or maybe I should read slower, that would probably help. Otherwise, I love it, it is great and your characters are just brilliant. Great job.
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