Reviews for Of Tetonya
Uz jsem pryc chapter 6 . 7/24/2003
Most of your story in every chapter to this point seems to be either simple conversation or summary of events. There's very little along the lines of description. What is there is rather good, and you are improving dramatically with each chapter.

The Lord High Guard is a confusing character. Try to give the man a bit more face time, so we can get a better idea of what we are to think of him.
Charlotte Ao'Nei chapter 6 . 7/21/2003
your cliffhangers are really good, they keep me incredibly curious, and i really like your writing style also. it's not like some other authors i've read that really seem like they havent had practice or something
Mitchelmoo chapter 6 . 7/20/2003
Hey! You did a great job again with this chapter. I was surprised to learn you don't like Tanika's name, because I love it. It's don't know. I guess maybe because I didn't create her, her name just seems to fit with the image of her I have in my head.

I also hope we get to learn more about this Seth guy...or was it Sam? Well, whatever his name was, the guy who the Lord High Guard left in charge while he was gone.

It is obvious that Keith is very loyal to his childhood friend, the Lord High Guard. It added depth to his character when you had him question, but obey, his leader. (It may just be my sick little desire for conflict, but I hope we get to see some trouble between the Lord High Guard and Keith later on in the story.)

As Always,

Shade Shavaya chapter 5 . 7/19/2003
Sorry I haven't reviewed in so long, I've just been so busy. I'll try to read the next chapter when I get a chance to. The Lord seemed less harsh in this one, I liked that better. I'm a little out of it as far as the story goes, considering I haven't read any of it in a month or two. For that reason I don't have much to comment on, other than that it's good. Also, wouldn't it have been simpler to just type out the answer to those questions then spent a whole paragraph talking about how there are hints? Anyway, I'll try to read the next chapter sometime this week.

-Shade "Shay" Shavaya
Blazing-moon chapter 6 . 7/19/2003
Yay! This one was so much quicker than the last one! don't like the name Tanika? That's odd...because I do :P of course...that's not the be all and end all of it. Too bad I can't really think of any names...sorry! I like the way The Lord High Guard did that strategy game with Tanika's parents, what with the manipulation of stature and stuff - it was interesting to read. Write more soon!
Shanachie chapter 6 . 7/19/2003
Hm...more interesting stuff. The whole anti-Tetonyan/anti-Raccran conversation seemed to go round in circles-I think maybe the whole prejudice issue needs a bit more direction-but otherwise all very good. I don't know how I would change it anyway.

So you want suggestions for new names? If you can tell me what language you want them to sound like, I may be able to help. Gaelic, Welsh and Germanic names are excellent for fantasy stories (as evidenced by the fact that everyone uses them); E. Pastor's got an interesting Hebrew motif in "Heaven's Diary"; and if you want to be different you might try Arabic, Slavic or some African language like Dahomey. I'm a linguistics major, so this is how I get my sick kicks.:)

Personally I think your names are fine, except for Brooklyn and maybe Keith...anyway it's your call.

All in all, good work-update soon!
gary chapter 6 . 7/19/2003
I reviewed this story a long time ago, but since then I had given up on the whole writing thing (being crap at it and all). But I have started writing once more and so would like to get my latest story reviewed. This story happened to appear in my inbox so I decided that I would once again review it, and then casually ask you to review mine, and of course, the only decent thing to do would be to oblige and review my story (I’m so devious).

Anyway, chapter 1:

The chapter starts well, good prologue and all, well written and a good plot. The only thing is, that it seems strange that people would rebel against their parents by going out and having children with people without magic.

This fault is of course, just nit-picking and as such it does not take away from the quality of the chapter overall. The scene at the meeting is very well written and explains the solution that will soon be implemented very well.

Your characters are well developed and consistent, and most importantly, believable.

Chapter 2:

Once again (I’ll probably be repeating myself a lot) the chapter is well written, the characters are believable and consistent and there is a lot of description. I’m going to assume at this point that all the children mentioned in this chapter are going to be connected somehow later in the story.

Each of the parts has a good tragic plot, and they each would make a good chapter by themselves.

Although, I don’t really like the way that you would write [two years later] and such at the beginning of each part, it made the story hard to follow.

Chapter 3:

The chapter was once again well written, and the romantic plot is surprisingly good. I am actually surprised that I like because generally I don’t like romantic stories, as I’m limited to the pessimistic view that all romance will eventually end in tragedy.

I am also curious as to why the man is taking such an interest in Tanika; I’m going to assume that she is special in some way and that his interest in her is somehow connected with her “secret”.

Well anyway, the chapter ends well, making me want to read on and discover what her secret is and what part the man will have to play in the story.

Also I am puzzled by you questions on whether the darkness caused “dirty” thoughts or not, dirty in what way?

Chapter 4:

I think that it is a pretty good cliffhanger, I personally like cliffhangers, and you shouldn’t put yourself down like that. I am going to guess that her parents are going to beat her and this will convince her to leave home.

The story has improved somewhat since you stopped jumping around.

Keith, he is just a guy that happens to fancy Tanika. He has been assigned to take her to the castle because she has some sort of special significance, i.e. her ‘secret’.

I think that you have developed the lord high guard’s character well, he is just, but he is also stern. The scene between Keith and the lord high guard confirms what a good writer you are.

Chapter 5:

Yet another good chapter, although I find that it’s kind of strange that Keith shouldn’t know that Tanika is only 17. I mean, he found out all the stuff about her being beaten. I am again just nit picking and this doesn’t take away from the overall quality of the chapter.

I am too lazy to go back a few chapters and look for the clues as to what Keith wants with Tanika and so I’ll just have to read on until you reveal it.

Chapter 6:

Yet another good chapter, with a plot twist at the end that came, seemingly out of nowhere. I mean, who could possibly dare to attack the camp of the Lord High Guard.

The plot so far is excellent and I will be sure to read the next chapter as soon as it’s posted.

Also, I would like to apologise for the length of this review, I’m sure that it must have been a terrific bore to read. It also has become apparent, based on the length of this review, that I have far too much free time on my hands.

And now, onto my ulterior motive, I would like very much if you, or indeed anybody else, would review a story that I have recently started work on, Baltazaar’s lair. Any criticism of it that you have would be greatly appreciated, as long as you don’t needlessly badmouth it.
Contia Mirian chapter 6 . 7/19/2003
"I know who you are, I know your email address! Muahahaha!" *Cough*

I thought your email was funny. And let me say, if I minded recieving emails I would not have posted my email address. _

Well, your story is good so far, anything else and I'd have to read the entirety again.

(And right now I should be doing some of my own writing.)


fatpat60 chapter 5 . 7/19/2003
Finally this accursed website worked and the server was found! This review is a bit late on my behalf but I'll get into it. Indeed, hurrah, something happened in this chapter but what? A kidnapping of sorts, Tanika wanted to go but didn't want to go. Nice touch of battles within people. And stupid father of hers, Edward got what he deserved, mwahaha let them starve to death. All in all it was very well written and full of a subtle intrigue, making you ask why it was all happening but it couldn't get much worse than what Tanika had been going through with her parents, could it? Nicely done, enjoyable writing style. Beautiful, now on to the next chapter, but it is too long so I shall have to read it at a later date.

FantasiaFirst chapter 6 . 7/18/2003
Interesting turn there. Well written, as usual.

But I still can't get over the fact that the Lord High Guard is going to so much trouble just to get a servant. There's nothing special about her. Why can't they get someone else? Is it in the unrevealed plot? But so far, I really can't see anything. Or at least i certainly can't guess anything that might make her of interest. And if there is anything, i was thinking that it should have already been revealed in the conversation between Keith and the Lord High Guard. Basically, I don't see any sense in the plot.

Another thing that bothers me is this. The Lord High Guard is defintely in a greater position than Keith, so surely a kind of decorum or standards of respect is shown to the Lord High in normal situations. Why would the Lord High have to command Keith:

"Have two Guards behind me constantly, just a step behind, and two behind you. My intention is to make you look as powerful as possible, and have you be seen to defer to me.”

Shouldn't it be obvious that the least ranked fall in pace behind? Such instructions are unnecessary. Keith is unlikely to enter the house in front of his Lord, and start governing the situation! Yeppers.

That's my say. I still love the writing. But you're going to have to work on the plot.

Blazing-moon chapter 5 . 6/27/2003
OOh.. I wonder what his impressive escort will eb! Very interesting! Sorry it's taken me so long to review...and even now I don't have a whole bunch of time to make a proper review. I'll just let you know that I like thiss tory a lot, and I've checked it at least 20 times before chapter 5 came out!
Chaotic Child chapter 5 . 6/24/2003
cool! This is awesome! You HAVE to update soon!
Jhanvi chapter 5 . 6/20/2003
Very cool. -wonder how they're gonna get around the law thingummy. Update soon, por favor!
FantasiaFirst chapter 5 . 6/18/2003
Oh wow. I really really liked it. I think the writing style is absolutely beautiful, and as such there's nothing to change about it.

The plot pulls me in too, and it was very interesting to read. However, loopholes...

Okay. I'm not too sure about what u want to be done with Tanika. But according to what I'd read and understand, she's wanted as a servant girl for the Lord High. But why go to all the expense of getting a servant? Imagine the money every hour! Unless, it's becos they need a particular something from the girl. But according to conversation between the Lord High and Keith, it seems picking Tanika was absolutely random! So...the thing is the plot can be somewhat unbelievable.

Makes no sense to pay a servant girl so much. i'm pretty sure there are dozens of people who would queue up to work should there be an advert about it?

Okay, next thing is that the first part of the prologue is still all right. But then, with the second part, it kinds of drags the readers' attention away. And makes one almost impatient.

Yet, still, when the story begins, it does begin so beautifully.

One last thing that DOESn't sit well with me. If the Lord High and Keith had been really close buddies from young, it's kind of difficult to imagine so much formality between the two. It can be done, certainly. But if they are as close as they are, surely the greeting to one another would not be so formal. And the thoughts by Keith in the first para, first meeting with the Lord High Guard did little to prove that they were old time just shows that Keith was afraid of the Lord High. N truthfully that's a weird first thought to have when One are friends for so long. U might want to change it to Keith fearing the Lord part of the man...I don't knwo how to say it, but you could try to show how it could be possible that the two are friends.
Mitchelmoo chapter 5 . 6/14/2003
OK, it's official. You are my favorite author on fictionpress. I am dying to know what happens next! Most authors don't grab my attention like you do. Your style is wonderful, your plot is unique and interesting, and your characters are complex and real. (I can't tell you how sick I am of reading a story about the 2-D "gorgous and sarcastic heroin" with the "sexy, silent, and deadly hero" and all the stupid cliche's that go with them.)

Reading your story is like tasting wine after a lifetime of koolaid. (Ok, so my metaphors could use a little work, but hey, so could my spelling!)

To sum it up, I'm a huge fan and envy your writing abilities. I e-mailed you, so you probably already know this, but I want to post a story too. I'm a beginning writer so it's probably sewage, but I'd love to hear your oppinion of it. Don't go looking for it right away though. I still have to correct it, spell check, etc.

Well, I'm sure your head is pretty big right now, so I'm going to stop complimenting you and give you this one warning. Since I like your story so much, I will probably be more likely to give constructive critisizm on it if there is anything I object to or think needs work. (But it is only because I love your story so much!)

Ok, your probably sick of me now, so I'll leave you alone. (This is the longest review I have ever written!)

Your Humble Reader,

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