Reviews for Of Tetonya
Uz jsem pryc chapter 5 . 6/14/2003
Welcome back.

Okay, the story did take a good and interesting twist here, what with Tanika getting kidnapped and all. If I could voice one opinion, I would say I disliked the sudden switch of viewpoint. We were experiencing everything from Tanika's experience up until the point where she was knocked out, and then there was a sudden switch to Keith's POV, without any warning. Not usually a huge issue, but I think it really interrupted the flow of the text.

I don't really have a clue what the "nefarious evil plot" is, but I can't really blame that on you. I tend to miss little clues and details like that all the time. Update again soon!
Dreaming One chapter 5 . 6/13/2003
"He took one arm off Edward’s arm and hit Tanika over the head as hard as he could." Is there another way you could word that? The 'arm' and 'arm' is a bit awkward, and ambiguous.

Ah, you gave Keith some definite signs of prejudice this time around. Still, they're not very personal prejudices, (if you know what I mean), and he comes off as mis-lead, but...salvagable, which i think is what you're going for.

So, now I see why you never told us Tanika's age. If you can't tell us her exact age when she and Keith first encounter one another, at least refer to her as a young woman or something so we don't think Keith is a pedophile, okay? lol.

If the Lord High guard wants her as a slave or something-(I'm running on an hour of sleep, so cut me some slack on the up-take, lol)-I'm very curious as to what will happen when they find out she is Tetonya. Of course, because of my insomniacal mentality, it's possible that you've already hinted that they want her for something else entirely and I didn't pick it up. *shrugs* Too tired to read back and check.

In all: You're doing a great job so far! Good characterization, descriptions, narration, etc. I admire the way you seek out constructive criticism in order to improve your writing. I'm the same way.

Anyway, feel free to ignore my criticisms. I've already told you how ~not~ awake I am, lol.

Update Soon!

~May
Dreaming One chapter 4 . 6/13/2003
My Thoughts...(I love that you ask your readers what they think and really mean it, unlike most authors here):

You have me sympathizing with/liking Tanika for sure now, and I will definitely be displeased if her family is too harsh on her about the money Keith gave her.

I definitely like Keith. Keith is good. *grins* Still, the way he is like some programmed lap-dog to that bastard High Guard guy pisses me off and sickens me. It seems to me at this point that Keith is falling in love with Tanika and vice-versa. Keith apears to have a good head on his shoulders, in so far as he doesn't disriminate against the Raccrans...or, he hasn't yet. I hope he doesn't.

The Lord High Guard has been safely categorized as 'the villain' of the story in my mind. I get the impression that he ~thinks~ he is doing a good job, however. Like, he doesn't know any other way to run his show, so to speak, than the brutal way he is now. A twisted, creepy character that will no doubt cause much havoc throughout the story.

I'm definitely more sympathetic towards the Raccrans, but I think both they and the Tetonyas are being idiots. I've never been very fond of racism.

Okay...as for criticism...I have at this point forgotten all of the children introduced in chapter two, except for Tanika and Musique. The name Brooklyn stuck in my mind, but God only knows who it was. *shrugs* I hope if they're introduced later in the story, you'll find a way to refresh our memories.

Gods, I talk a lot. Reading on...
Dreaming One chapter 3 . 6/13/2003
My seemingly random comments:

Everything was fine. Great description, great flow. I am still unsure of how old Tanika is, because I'm not really in the habit of adding up the '_ Years Later' in stories to come up with those details, lol. You might want to add her age to the chapter.

I automatically assumed that Tanika's secret was Tetonya.

You didn't give her or 'the man' much physical description, and I am really hoping at this point that he's not a creepy pedophile, and she is near his age. I like 'the man' at this point, because Tanika liked him, and the chapter was basically from her point of view, so she's who we identify with. Still, I'm wary of him because Tanika seems easy to take advantage of.

Oh, and I did remember the story of how she came to be, from the last chapter, so apparently I was wrong when I said it'd be difficult.

Reading on...
Dreaming One chapter 2 . 6/13/2003
"[Many years later, when the wall has been built and all those who remembered the old times have gone on to better places.]" That really should be a part of the text, not removed from it. Like your typical, "Many years passed, and...yada yada yada," then go to the next part of the story. That's what I think, anyway.

Other than that, I just thought that was a hell of a lot of information to absorb in one chapter! lol. Your characters are good, but those scenes were in such quick sequence that I'll have a hard time remembering them in the next chapter. So, hopefully they aren't too important. lol.

Reading on...
Dreaming One chapter 1 . 6/13/2003
Great first chapter, and I definitely plan on reading the rest, but I had to comment on one thing: The opening bothered me. I've never really been a fan of summary-like openings. They read like a grandmother telling a story, you know? Still, I get that it was necessary, and I must say that you did a good job of explaining how this world came to be the way it is. The rest of the chapter was awesome. ;)

Reading on...
Contia Mirian chapter 5 . 6/13/2003
Oh, I remember your story, yes it /has/ been a while. And actually I've been looking for an update every once in a while. I stay with good stories, even if it does take an age or two for the author to update.

Good chapter, poor one guy. (I'm really bad with names) I bet he feels like kicking himself. Poor girl, more so.

La la la la la... That's it. Generally I tend to babble in reviews if something goves me a reason to, but... nope. None here. _ lucky you.

Keep writing

Ice
Sweetvenom1 chapter 5 . 6/13/2003
I have been waiting so long! Thank you for updating, it made my day! Anyways, I hope you post again soon...VERY soon

Good luck with your writers block, I know that can be tough.
Shanachie chapter 5 . 6/13/2003
Wow. Her folks are even beastlier than I recall.

Anyway, I do hope Keith is a nice guy even if he did knock her out. I'd hate to think she could go downhill from this situation. But I don't like the dude he's working for.

In sum, nice work as always!
Charlotte Ao'Nei chapter 5 . 6/13/2003
wow... you made this chapter definetly worth the wait. plz update soon.
Mitchelmoo chapter 4 . 6/7/2003
Hey. I really enjoy your story. I've had it on my favorites list for a while. I just wanted to ask...Where the heck are you? It's been, like, three months since your last update! I really like your story and wish you would continue. Your a great writer.

Your Humble Reader,

IXOYE
Mitchelmoo chapter 1 . 4/24/2003
Please post again soon! I really enjoyed the first four chapters, but I'm dying to find out what happens next. It is very cruel of you to wait so long to post. It's torture for those people who have no life, very little human contact, and depend on stories like yours to pass the time. Uh...not that I'm one of those people. He he...(uneasy laugh). Well, anyway, please post soon.

Your Modest Reader

IXOYE
morrigaine chapter 4 . 4/14/2003
It's not really that much clearer now that you've stuck to one time period but since you've stuck to one character I can starting feeling a connection to her.

I have no idea who Keith is or what significance he has, and even less idea what he wants with Tanika (although I might have a better idea if I remembered more of the prologue but it was so long ago - sorry 'bout that)

I thought the scene with Keith and the Lord High Guard seemed a little distanced and forced. It didn't seem natural. You told the reader that they had known each other for a long time, but it didn't come across in their interaction.

Tanika and Keith to me don't seem right for each other, since you've hinted at romance. I think that it has something to do with the fact that even though they've met a few time and had some personal conversations (Tanika telling him about her past and her present - although we didn't actually get to read the conversation), their interaction seems the same as when they first met. Very formal and between strangers.

I really love that this story has such a strong foundation, it so much more enjoyable to read knowing that you've spent time on it and that it is creative and original. I eagerly await the rest of the story.
Mesozoic chapter 1 . 4/11/2003
Okay, regarding the review you left me. Yes, Berylius did the unspeakable. But, I promised it wouldn't be a smut fic, so I had to keep what he did exactly behind closed doors. The thing with the arm is something that happens when a girl is *cough* raped *cough* by someone with sorcery blood. More explanations later.
fatpat60 chapter 4 . 3/22/2003
Now I make a real review this time around! Okay, we'll answer your questions for this review. Um, right in a sense I'm confused because I'm not sure where you're goign with this story. The only thing I'm fairly sure of is that you're establishing the heros and the villains and the backgroudns to all sorts of different characters that will play a role. But otherwise, nothing seems to be going anywhere. Nonetheless, that is not nessecarily a bad thing. So basically, the major thing you've managed to establish is a very large and general sense of mystery and suspense, which you have done very, very well. So although I'm in the dark a bit, everything seems clear. So I'll try and sum it up. The first two chapters showed us the birth of many different characters that will either be heros or villains or some other character? Am I right? The two following chapters revolve around Tanika which seems to be the main character and possibly a leader of sorts. Again, am I right? These two chapters revolve aroudn the foundation of Tanika's eventual "rebellion" against her cruel family and her following of the stranger. Again, am I right? So now that I'm done speculating and guessing, I'll comment. Your work is superb, it flows together perfectly, everything moves smoothly and is enjoyable. I really enjoy reading this story, it is entertaining and different from most fantasy settings. Keep going, this is excellent stuff. Also, keep reviewing my story, thanks.

Pat
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