Reviews for Deception
Arabella Smith chapter 1 . 2/1/2008
The plot sounds very interesting, and I want to find out what will happen next. I do suggest that you try comining sentences. Some of them are very short and choppy, if you lengthened them it would probably make your story flow much better and the sentences more interesting. good job though.
Megan chapter 1 . 7/2/2003
I kinda got lost, but then again I'm kinda lost in general. I like reading depressed stuff while I'm depressed...so its good!
Rai Kamishiro chapter 1 . 6/14/2003
Lovely. Simply lovely.

I'm especially hally how the story stays true to its form and sounds like the narration of a fairy tale, altough I would like to see an ending to this.

Rai Kamishiro
silverfoxiegirl chapter 1 . 6/13/2003
ok, it was a really great story. Poor Jason... i mean seeing his brother get killed, finding out that his mommy was a heroin user, and that she tried to kil him, and using self defense and killing your mother in one day is NOTHING compared to trying to get some candy! lol i would give it an A.
Amethyst Blood chapter 1 . 6/6/2003
Nh...it's warmed up a bit towards the end, but I still have this feeling that you're kinda listing it off...and then...and then...type of thing. ;_; Sorry! Erm, but the over all idea is very good! It'll definiatly be worth continuing...

-AB
Fleeting-Dream chapter 1 . 4/22/2003
For some reason, one of my sentences was deleted. Anyway, I basically said to work on your description. You got it, but what about the people. They seem...lifeless. Even during the tragedies. Their emotions...are there any? You need to take a little more time with everything. Instead, you seem to get bored and move on too quickly. This is a story, not a summary, spend a little time on details.

OOps. That wasn't a summary, but I meant all of it, and reviews are good. So learn from this and improve your writing by taking a little time.

If it's not done right, it's not worth doing.
Fleeting-Dream chapter 1 . 4/22/2003
It's good, but a little fast paced for my liking. Since it's been through many revisions, it might be that you were thinking a little differently about it each time, which tends make a story difficult to understand. I'm sure that since you love this story so much, more revisions will help it grow, but always read and reread your finished work to make sure it fulfills your writing potential. Keep at it.
Malachi chapter 1 . 4/13/2003
As the other guy said, this isn't a story. This is more like a story synopsis and frankly it isn't very good. Sorry but it's rather boring when you just summarize everything that is supposed to happen in the story. In all honesty, the plot that you have here really isn't all that interesting. Maybe it's just because it's so incredibly bare bones but there really isn't much reason for anyone to read this. If you make it into an actually story you might have something (then again, you might not).
jbondtoo lazy to log in chapter 1 . 4/12/2003
Well,this is kinda an outline as one other reveiwer havb to make it more deep and have a lot more dialouge,not just jump from plot point to plot was a good idea,but you didn't really go anywhere with 's all.
deadcats anonymous chapter 1 . 4/11/2003
good story, but ya gotta beef it up a bit. Dialogue, descriptions, i dont care, but ya need some more meat! oh yeah and little more explanation on y the mom wanted to kill the kids. thats all. Remeber, give us the MAYO!
Leief Shrof chapter 1 . 4/10/2003
pretty good. lots and lots of twists and turns. great descriptions of he murder scene and the attack by the mom. you got me wondering what's gonna happen next.
Lioness Black chapter 1 . 4/10/2003
You don't have a story, here. You have an outline for a story. Dialogue is your friend, it makes your characters seem real, it makes them personable and it makes for an all around good story. If you don't have a good, real, characters, I won't care about them, and I won't care what happens to them, so, in turn, I won't care about your story. For all the drama, I didn't really care, because your characters didn't seem to care. They didn't have any real reactions or emotions.

Also, if you want people to be "nice" about your work if they don't like, don't post it. Because in the real world of writing, editors, agents, and publishers will give you no mercy. I don't know if that's where you want to go with your writing at some point, but if you do, no one is going to give you a candy coated opinion because your story "means something to you." Writing something is worthless and pointless if it doesn't mean something to you. If it's not special to you, it's not going to be special to anyone.
Xy Hapu chapter 1 . 3/3/2003
Ack, review got cut off. I should know better than to use those pointy brackets in reviews by now :P Anyway, here it is in it's entirety:

First off, lemme say that you obviously have talent, and don't let lack of reviews (positive or otherwise) make you think otherwise. Some people either don't have time, don't have anything worthwile to say, etc, etc. I personally am a combination of both (just got done with IB English Orals).

Anyway, on to the story; I thought the idea behind it is great (I'm a sucker for tragedies, there are so few of them on ), but what I think the reviewer below me was -trying- to articulate (and failing miserably :P) is that the storyteller ('this happened, then this happened')form of narrative you used isn't the most effective for a piece trying to convey emotion. Basically, it would be better to tell this from one of the character's prespectives (probably Jason's) and reveal a little about his personality/thoughts before having him find out of his brother's death (a very powerful and suspenseful scene, btw, even in this format) and his forced killing of his mother.

All that aside tho, I think that would take a whole lot of work and I personally would go with a sort of sonnet-type thing. Y'know, like one of those songs that tell a story (like what they do in Country, or the Blues I guess). I think that would be the best way to convey the emotion in this, and since your strength seems to be in music/poetry I think it'd come out great. Just have a condensed form of this story in song format, maybe rhyming a little, starting off seemingly like one of those optimistic 'we will survive' songs and then in the middle having a twist where Adam dies and Jason has to kill his own mother.

Anyway, those are just my 2 cents :)
Xy Hapu chapter 1 . 3/3/2003
First off, lemme say that you obviously have talent, and don't let lack of reviews (positive or otherwise) make you think otherwise. Some people either don't have time, don't have anything worthwile to say, etc, etc. I personally am a combination of both (just got done with IB English Orals _
Hopes Forgotten chapter 1 . 3/1/2003
So far I haven't found it very sad, actually so far I don't really like it at all. That's just me though and it's a nice, er well good idea to write about I guess.