how could he die they have to be together what ughh like ughh i loved it but ughhhhhh

"And if that boy of your represents it, then I do believe that was I said stands."

Argh this really really needs to be proofread. Character name changed from Kevin to Ryan too...

An interesting premise,

Ok, I'm a happy ever after type of girl. This really made me so sad and cry. That being said, it is an awesome story and I loved reading it.

Please don't let them kill him.

No, no, no!

Amen!

Hey, today I came across your Story and it was pretty good concerning the part I read. I read your german translation in chapter 20, but there are a few mistakes. (I am a native speaker) It is better like this: ,,Nein, dir kann man nicht vertrauen. Ich habe einen Fehler gemacht und du wirst niemals mit mir zufrieden sein." It is better to connect the last two sentences. Anyway, good job! :)

I loved it. But i didn't want Brian to die :'(
I liked him.. But it was a great story.

Nooo why did you kill him i liked him and i hate sad endings. Still. . . Good story. :(

Aww this was too cute y no happy ending :( but still wonderfully writen

A very exciting beginning! I don't even know where exactly you're heading with the plot, but I can't wait to get there!

it may not be well written,but the idea,the characters the events are captivating and very made me cry,i;m a happy ending fan but this is so good that i can't not love beautiful!

Okay, I thought Stevenson's name was Kevin. Not really sure how I'm liking this story. It's kind of like something is missing to me. Can't really put my finger on what though. Sorry.

I absolutely ADORE this story.

The interactions are great and you have nice solid characters.

I love it. Awesome job! :)

-V.

I don't know how to say this, but I'll put it the best way I can becuase I know it'll make a lot more sense In my minde than written down.

With this story I found I got to chapter 9 and could not read on becuase of fustration. Your chapters and overal story development is so brief I can't fully get into it, it feels like you're skimming over the surface and rushing to get all the details out. It probably can be put down to the length but the reall problem here is your pacing and the way you write the story.

You don't give enough time for the reader to fully get to know Memory or Cantobovsk, it's as if you push the reader straight into the action and don't give time to building relationships or even baisic character traits. Each chapter seems pretty disjointed, like you jump from one bit to the next. It's way too fragmented for me to get into, there's no flow to the story and the pace is rushed.

Whilst your writing style is simple to read with no major faults, you still could improve and I also pick up on the fact that there is literally no description of ANYTHING. I hate when writers go into too much detail with describing and over egging the cake with sensory images and whatnot, but for the simple fact that you don't dedicate enough time to setting the scene only aids in making your story appear rushed.

I really had some high hopes for this, but the more I read the more I was dissapointed. Seeing as this is a very early story of yours you have probably improved a lot, but I'll be checking that out. But yeah, just a little bit of critique to help you out with that.