|Reviews for Arishaelle Domorwen|
| Evil Chocolate of Doom chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
In my opinion I reckon you've done what you set out to do with this little snip. It was real good with the details yet did overwhelm or bore me :D
| Lynnryo chapter 1 . 4/16/2006
Merry meet! (And appologies if my computer already sumbitted this)Your work was on the spotlight so I read it. Nice work. I could see her clearly in my head.. Except for at the shirt part.. But that's only because I don't exactly know what a doublet-shirt is.. Ah well..And if descriptions are your weak point, then your other writing must be amazing! Off to check if it's true... PS; OMG! Three years ago!Blessed be!
| Alexis LePlume chapter 1 . 9/25/2005
Descriptions, your weakest point? As someone stated before, impossible! Much better than mine, at any rate. I do agree that even though the whole assines aren't secret thing is going on, they really shouldn't be noticeable. It defeats the point of being an assasine. Anyways, good job!
| soulful-angel chapter 1 . 8/1/2005
hey its better than my descriptions! good work.. continue
| Rainbow Dreams42 chapter 1 . 12/27/2004
Well, despite what others are saying, I liked it a lot! I don't see why everyone is nit-picking it, but maybe that's just me *shrug* It kept me hooked, and I got a clear picture in my head of Arishaelle Domorwen!
Anyways, great work! *goes to read some more of your writing*
| keltica chapter 1 . 12/15/2004
Assassin's guild? Do you actually know that's an arabic term at the origin, doesn't seem to be in assonance with a name like Arishaele Domorwen ... haha, just kidding, you know what we kelts are like: we spend our life musing over the spiritual schemes of nature but some humour will do good :p ... i'm gettin a bit off the point here, this presentation is interesting but the best way is to move this inert character into a story which would make her attitude towards the events that occur the ideal presentation ... I'll find some time to read more of your artistry, for now, farewell
keltica, the celtic fire from within
| LaLa chapter 1 . 7/11/2004
I don't think assasins should be memorable. It kinda takes away from the point of the job, don't you think?
| Rhedyn chapter 1 . 4/7/2004
I don't think you have any problems - the description looks fine to me. Who is this a description for? Well, Arishaelle Domorwen, obviously, but who is she?
| Laisobel Sunflower chapter 1 . 4/7/2004
Awesome! Oh my God, great descriptions!Everything just right, i'm totally amazed!
| Anarchist Smurfette chapter 1 . 1/10/2004
Immediately noticeable is that you need to break up paragraphs by leaving a line between, not just indenting. It makes it easier to read on a computer screen.
Would it be better to describe her pride as bordering on arrogance? Pompousness is defined as "lack of elegance as a consequence of being pompous and puffed up with vanity," whereas arrogance is "overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward inferiors," which strikes me as proably being closer to what you wanted to get across.
I think you meant "coveted" rather than "cosseted."
Her outfit strikes me as a little strange for an assasin - very highly noticeable, and you say that isn't something she'd want to encourage.
Other than that, it's a good piece of descriptive writing and certainly made me want to know more about Arishaelle. Well done!
| CHC chapter 1 . 10/25/2003
I am no grammar expert, but I realized you seemed to have gone comma happy in the first paragraph. Perhaps the last sentence should be something like:
Her physique was neither tall nor intimidating but she carried herself with pompous pride that said she was not to be trifled with. One look at her and you/one (whichever) could tell she could - and would - slip a knife between two ribs without batting an eye.
The best rule for description is to say everything with the least amount of words. Too many loop-de-loops that come with fanciful arrangement of words, if overused, will annoy the reader.
If you would like to me completely pick apart this passage you have posted, let me know. I learned the art of critiquing in my writer's club at school. If I sound unreasonably harsh, I apologize. I don't mean to be too critical.
This is a very nice description with a few small aspects that needs to be tweaked, like word choice. That's the problem most people have.
As for the last sentence... "memorable indeed" didn't seem to fit. The second and third paragraph doesn't quite show how special she is. But that part is purely by interpretation.
Since it was March when you posted this and it has been seven months, I am sure you are doing better on description.
| NeverFroze chapter 1 . 10/4/2003
Nice! Descriptive enough, try being more poetic! D V
| Maelan Peredhil chapter 1 . 8/19/2003
AIR-ish-ile (to rhyme with while)
| SSSRoaB chapter 1 . 6/20/2003
U said descriptions were your weakest point? Impossible! This is very good! Sort of. Anyway, tell me this is not the last chapter. What will happen to her? How in the world do u pronounce her name?
| DarkSorceress chapter 1 . 3/25/2003
Looks good so far. Keep writing.