|Reviews for The Sound of Silence|
| aspenjerome chapter 1 . 3/28/2003
Beg, borrow, steal. I like that. ;)
The story...I like the pregnancy piece more for its writing, although this piece has more solid stock elements to it. Rework the opening, Make it tighter, smoother. If it were me, I'd drop some of the details about how the tile felt, that it prevented stains, etc. Just get us into the checkers games. Set that image, for it will carry through the story.
After that...I just feel like you keep taking little detours we don't need. After the dad enters, for example, I question whether we need to know the girl's eyes are pale by nature. How about you just say: "Her pale eyes darkened." It cuts the clutter.
Another cluttered part is this:
"Wickedly he smiled and his finger curled back, pressuring its self against the thumb it flicked. A king set the girl had previous claimed title to toppled and the top piece skidded across the board and onto the smooth floor, eventually ceasing to move a few feet beyond where they sat."
This is cleaner:
"He smiled wickedly, reached across the board, and flicked one of her red king sets; the top red chip skidded across the smooth floor."
Now it's not great, but it doesn't have to be. Some sentences just need to further the story. Know which ones - like this one - should do that.
Later, you stop the story to fully describe the girl. Do that before the dad ever enters. Just find a way.
One last thing...give them names. "The girl" "The boy" and "The man" are pretty stiff.