Reviews for The forces that lie within
Scythe de Zaran chapter 13 . 5/21/2003
Ah. Well, well. Dargon's not so strong, is he?
Kaze-Shukun chapter 1 . 5/19/2003
For your information(I will say this in the next chapter too), i meant it like that, it was how she felt, and i try to give people that feeling
MelodyReiterLee chapter 13 . 5/18/2003
Interesting. Dragons and fear. Keep writing.
charmee chapter 13 . 5/18/2003
Oh. Alliteration in the title. Kuewl.

M nice description, good poetic devices.

Remember what I said about the repetitive thing? How you can't put two words TOO close? Take a look at the second paragraph. Also take a look at the bridge between that paragraph and the line after it. Ditto for near the end of the chapter.

Punctuation again! Proofread, honey! It's a drag, but it's worth it! Ditto for spelling! Remember to use commas. They're there for you, why not use them? It causes less confusion, if utilised correctly.

The shrinking scene is nice, but still a bit cliché.

Please be careful with your use of words. Some can contradict others, also, the wrong ones may kill the mood.

I can imagine this as a film scene. It still reminds me of "The Hobbit" by Tolkien.

Sometimes the "dragon" and the "man" might get people confused. Are "dragon" and "man" one? Or are they separate? What form is it in, "dragon", or "man"?
TDL chapter 13 . 5/18/2003

Aush kicked that dragon's ass! Woo-hoo!

Keep it up! Love this story!

~Tabitha, The Mad Hatter
DarkSorceress chapter 13 . 5/17/2003


DarkSorceress chapter 12 . 5/17/2003

stupid fictionpress. Ok the last line of this chap was supposed to be in POEM form. Not one line.

Thanks to Princess Charminolagas for bringing that to my attention.

once again

charmee chapter 12 . 5/16/2003
Hey cool that sounds like he's from X-men... Y'know, this 'big dark silent cave' thing really reminds me of 'The Hobbit' by Tolkien.

Watch out for your point of view! "So his mother must have placed an attachment spell on it before she died. She really must have wanted him to keep it, Aush thought.". This is from Aush's perspective. Therefore, he would refer to himself as 'me' or 'I', not 'him'.

Revise your formatting. Take a look at the last line.

Ok, this felt really 'light' too. What happened to your old spark, honey?
charmee chapter 11 . 5/16/2003
Shouldn't Dhamrak be a bit more careful? Is the village that they just reached close to his master's residence? If it is, I don't think Dhamrak would WANT to attract attention.

Once again, I stress, please check your punctuation in dialogue!

This chapter feels a bit light... not like your usual ones... I'd work on this one again.
charmee chapter 10 . 5/16/2003
Nice transitional piece, watch out for punctuation, please. Also, revise dialogue for characterization.

BTW, I love that song.
charmee chapter 9 . 5/16/2003
You might want to check for punctuation, honey (and maybe for spellcheck, but they're all minor errors).

Aww...they had chemistry...She's so sweet.

heehee...I imagine those people in the inn being Irish... (it's so amusing. I really need a life.).

Yay! Finally, a female in a "traditionally masculine" role (the bartender... when one says 'bartender', many usually think of a male)!

I like how you showed that Aush really was scared. Many authors write that the hero thinks of the sister, then shakes off all the fear. Yet none of them mention that the hero is really actually very afraid. Though, you could have mentioned that Aush needed to remind himself to save his sister, he would have to be in self denial. What you wrote worked as well.
MelodyReiterLee chapter 12 . 5/15/2003
Good job. Maybe you can put those last words in this chapter in italics or something to make it different.
TDL chapter 12 . 5/14/2003
Cool. Going to war and standing in the presence of dragons. My kind of world. lol. Keep up the good work!

~Tabitha, The Mad Hatter
Yanagi chapter 12 . 5/14/2003
Go Aush! Kill that Dragon! XD
Yanagi chapter 11 . 5/14/2003
No, I don't think he sounded like a business man. More like an orator to me. ;
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