Reviews for The forces that lie within
Android Kaeli chapter 7 . 4/28/2003
Sorry for not reviewing your works earlier, but the review thing wouldn't work for me (among other things on my computer...).

I would like to thank you for reviewing Twilight Dawn. First review for the story. :D. Next, just a little bit of things I just want to say about this story.

I like where this story is going and the characters. Very good beginning. However, there are a few things that are just...well, to put it bluntly, not all that great. First, you need more description. By that, I don't mean spending a whole chapter just on description alone. You have some good descrition in the story, but maybe you could use just a little bit more in them. Course, there is a down-side for description and that is using too much.

Secondly, maybe doing a chapter a week/two weeks isn't a great idea. It gives little time to make the next chapter believable in a sense of the fantasy/mystical realm. Course, whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Lastly, length. Some chapters looked to be about three pages while others looked to be just under two. Someone could easily rush through a story or get annoyed with short chapters. Now, I am not saying the chapters are short in your perspective, but bare in mind there are some people that don't like short chapters as well as some don't like long chapters. Usually, five to six pages many if not all readers tend to look for in a single chapter. And the number of words also depends on how many readers you will get. The longer it is, the more likely readers will come.

Take some things more slowly then others while also allowing time to speed up. Characters need to be developed over time and not just in a single chapter. :)

Overall, I enjoyed this story a lot and can not wait until the next one. Just remember to take the story at your own pace and write for yourself and not your readers.

Peace out!

Kaeli-Chan the Great

PS: Going onto my favorite stories list...:D
Yanagi chapter 6 . 4/27/2003
Ah! I love crazy ideas too. XD Hm, this Laina girl... I like her. _ Something seems to be brewing for her and Aush. _~

Keep it up!
Yanagi chapter 5 . 4/23/2003
Hm. Short but good. I really dont like those brothers of hers. Tsk.
Yanagi chapter 4 . 4/23/2003
Go save him Haliha! XD
Yanagi chapter 3 . 4/23/2003
OMG! So cool! a TALKING HORSE! XD Anyway... what mean brothers! Go Aush, be the hero! _

I hope the DarkSorceress has time to read my story too.

Keep it up!
Yanagi chapter 2 . 4/23/2003
ho ho. This one's funny.

"Well, do you mind turning your back while I change, please. I don't like being seen in the nude?" Dhamrak replied.

"Oh, please. How do you think I found you in the first place?"

I really like it! _v
Yanagi chapter 1 . 4/23/2003
Hello. The title of your story sounds interesting. I shall read more. _
Red Masque chapter 5 . 4/22/2003
I just realized that I hadn't reviewed any of your stories. This one is really good. Very LOTRish... (can I make that a word?) ... and well written to boot. There's only one thing: if the Riders of Vagon are such badasses, wouldn't the characters be even more reluctant to lead an army? Or maybe I just haven't learned enough of their character yet. I've got new chapters up on my story, by the way. Like anyone cares...
charmee chapter 5 . 4/20/2003
Oh yay she's finally leaving those "people" she calls a family!

I find it sorta weird that Haliha is being sent to lead an army, because she seems really domestic. But you did say that she's good with the sword and the bow and the arrow. Now my impressions are mixed up about Haliha.

Watch out for punctuation!
MelodyReiterLee chapter 5 . 4/20/2003
Funny Alaadore. Tea? Bad wizard...scaring Haliha for a moment there and forcing her on an "errand," which is really more than just an errand.
TDL chapter 5 . 4/18/2003
o! interesting. keep it coming!

~Tab? Mad Hatter
charmee chapter 4 . 4/16/2003
Great, we finally get to see Haliha's perspective. She REALLY needs to take a stand. If I were her/knew her, I'd be so pissed at her brothers. Well I AM pissed at her brothers, but I'd be like taking a stand, e.g. not make any dinner and make them starve. muahhahaha. Winon really needs a lesson.

I love the use of tildas and stars to separate scenes. Makes stuff so much more clear.

Oh, my God! Aush sounds so... how does one put it... HOT!

Wizards and gentle voices mix together. Good description of tone.

I can imagine what it's like living with that wretched "family". It's horrid!

I liked this chapter. Short and Crisp.
DragonKnight2k4 chapter 4 . 4/14/2003
Poor Aush, Winon is a bully. He's stupid, too. Anyways, my personal feelings about Winon aside, nice chapter. Kept it coming!
MelodyReiterLee chapter 4 . 4/13/2003
Hey, nice story so far. Wow, I feel really sorry for Aush...and I thought I had seen some of the worst of siblings. Please write more! _ You could improve by adding more detail. It seemed a little rushed. Umm, yell at me if I'm mistaken... didn't you have another version of this story?
TDL chapter 4 . 4/13/2003
And I thought my family was bad! I hate Winon, he's a grade-A ass if you ask me, course, you need at least one of those in every story. ) Keep it up! I can't wait to read more!

~Tabitha/ Mad Hatter
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