|Reviews for The forces that lie within|
| D'javol chapter 2 . 4/4/2003
'Ello! I got your review; thank you very much. And, of course, I always try to review in kind. Now, on to your story.
From what I've read, I think you have talent. Dhamrak is a good character; he's not perfect. It is a little bit choppy, and some sentences should be linked together when they're not. e.g: "Dhamrak stared listlessly ahead of him. His mind full of images of the Riders of Vagons, and the stories he had heard about them." Try putting a comma instead of a period, to link them together and make the sentences flow a little more smoothly. And (this is because I'm a grammar freak, do excuse me) it should be 'knelt' not 'kneeled'.
But honestly, from your profile you said you're 13; when I was 13, what I wrote wasn't this good. Keep working on it; it has the potential to turn into a great story.
P.S: I like the line "And please stop damning the gods." Some natural humor. Thanks again for your review!
| GameGuy24 chapter 2 . 4/4/2003
This is a good story. Very interesting, I can't wait to read more.
| Princess Charmingolas chapter 2 . 4/3/2003
So, Tatonas wants Dhamrak to lead an army. Does Dhamrak have any training? Any experience whatsoever?
I love the part about Dhamrak seeing himself as a distorted image. Seeing himself "distorted" makes a huge difference in the story. He doesn't see himself as perfect, he denies his own beauty, he doesn't believe in himself...yet.
I have an idea of how Tatonas may look like, but I don't really know because there's only one description of him. (It's quite cute, though!) Could you please describe him so that it depicts a clear image of Tatonas? That is, unless it was done purposely and I'm supposed to imagine him myself, in my own mind. That'd be cool technique.
I will obviously keep reading because it sounds reellee reellee cool. Yay fantabulousbrilliacheristic~!
| Princess Charmingolas chapter 1 . 4/3/2003
This sounds interesting, I'll definitely come back for more, but you definitely could've expanded on the atmosphere for the Riders of Vagons.
Fab. I picture it as a film.
| vkitty chapter 2 . 4/3/2003
Good, kinda choppy, but better than most of my stories nonetheless.
| devinity chapter 1 . 4/1/2003
i know it's only a prolougue but i would suggest putting a little more detail into each event. a 2-3 sentence short paragraph for each or something. nevertheless i really do hope to hear more. good luck