It was only half past 10 [o'clock] am and it seemed that everything under the sun had gone

wrong.

{Omit 'o’clock'}

This morning [at home], there had been no coffee in the house…

{Omit 'at home' – ‘no coffee in the house’ gives a clear indication of the reference}

…his kids were both in bad moods and missed the bus…

{You can rephrase – 'his kids missed the bus and were in a bad mood'}

…therefore he had to drive them [in, once] there and preparing to leave, his car broke down, the tow-truck he called was also running late and he had to take a cab [in] to work.

{Full stop between in and once)

{Rephrase – 'After he dropped them off and was preparing to leave, his car…')

{Omit ‘in’}

…But it didn't stop [there, oh] [no, it] just got even better. The cab got caught in a traffic jam and was forced into a detour around an accident. Now he was late to top it all off.

{Full stops between ‘there’ and ‘oh’, and, ‘no’ and ‘just’}

"Alice, you've got to be kidding me." he responded to the secretary.

"Bad morning, doctor?" she asked.

{Rephrase “Alice, you’ve got to be kidding me,” he responded.

“Bad morning, doctor?” asked the secretary. }

… Dancey always came in for what they called the interesting['] ones.

{Remove apostrophe}

"Thank you Alice, hold any calls for me will ya." [s]he nodded and he headed out of his office.

{Capital ‘s’}

Small double rooms with a [one way] mirror separating the two[,] [obviously], one was used for observing whoever was in the second. OB-room F.

{Should be ‘one-way}

{Should be ‘;’ instead of ‘,’}

{‘obviously’ doesn’t sound right}

…Here it is…

{Rephrase – ‘They were here’ or ‘Here they were’}

Peter walked in on both Ian and Efram, [who were both doing nothing but staring through the mirror].

{Rephrase - ‘…who were staring intently through the mirror window’}

"Well you peeping-toms." he [mockingly scoffed]…

{Use either ‘mocked’ or ‘scoffed’ – the language should have a natural flow}

… He kept speaking…

{Rephrase – ‘He continued’}

Efram, being an old-world gentlemanly sort, blushed at this blunt and crude comment, but [non the lest]

nodded in affirmation.

{Should be ‘nonetheless’]

[Peter's right eyebrow lifted as it was caused to do when he was told something surprising]. He walked

past the two other men to the mirror and [saw] the sole occupant in the other room.

{Rephrase – ‘Peter naturally raised an eyebrow indicating his surprise.’

{Replace with ‘gazed at’}

"We were waiting for [you, we] didn't know…

{Replace comma with full stop}

…his tongue failed him as [his] bared witness…

{Replace with ‘he’}

…He left the OB-room for the patients. Wanting to get right to work on this one…

{Rephrase – ‘He left the OB room to look at a detailed medical history of the patient on the other side of the mirror”}

He opened the door to find the young girl sitting cross-legged on the bed facing [the door].

{Replace with ‘him’ as the door’s already been open and the doctor will see her staring at him}

… silently questioning her [of her] comment…

{Omit ‘of her’}

"You had a bad morning therefore what would be the point in saying good morning to you if it [was in]

fact, not true?"

{Place a comma between ‘was’ and ‘in’}

She cocked her head to the left, [smiling still], and said:

{‘still smiling’ would be better}

"I know a great many things, Peter, but the real question in, what do you think you know."

{Should be a question mark}

… She must have [just] heard it from one of the nurses or another doctor. [Ya], that was it…

{Omit ‘just’}

{Replace ‘Ya’ with ‘Yeah’}

It was at that time that he noticed [that she had a] narrow waist, and [her] long wavy brown [hair spilled] all over the place. Her smile [shone] through the mess of dark hair.

{Replace ‘that she had a’ with ‘her’}

{Omit ‘her’}

{Place ‘that’ between ‘hair’ and ‘spilled’}

{‘shone’ could be ‘shined’}

"[Well], for starters, you've changed the…

{Take out ‘Well’ as it’s already been mentioned in the previous sentence}

Her head lolled to the side, looking straight into his eyes.

{Rephrase – ‘Her hair tilted to the side and, looking straight into his eyes, she said:’}

I’m enjoying this fic so far and I hope you won’t be discouraged by my corrections, and rather, take them up as suggestions to better your writing and style. I hope to read and review more so keep ‘em coming!

YES! New chapter! It was good but short. must read more! please hurry and update again soon. want to find out what happens!

CHAPTER 9! CHAPTER 9! CHAPTER 9! Make it NOW!

Please, continue writing this. I believe even the Flame spirit would love this, and she is picky in what she likes. The story is wonderful, and you really have talent. I say you should keep it up and believe in yourself. That is all you need to become successful. Keep it up.

E.B.

Once again, I must say that this story is amazing. It has a brilliant plot and makes the reader keep going! Just like before, this work is great, and I encourage you to keep writing!

O...creepier and creepier. I love this story!

interesting story

Love the story. Hmm...I think the whole concept is very original, you should really think of finding a publisher. Happy Hunting. *I'll be sure to read your new fic.*

Wow! Serius stuff there. Man this is a good story. very intense and stuff. please keep updating! *looks pleading* lol!

Interesting

Hmm. Interesting. It seems like our friend Peter might end up like the rest of her psychologsts/psychiatrists (whatever). Love the story. Happy Hunting.

WOW! that just got ten times for interesting! Poor, Pete. he needs a hug. i would be a lil creeped out to if i was him. *bounces in seat* keep going! this is an incredibly story! update again soon.

Wow! You have talent! I loved "We All Have Our Demons." Please, please, please don't stop writing it! I want to read more. If you ever finish this story, PUBLISH IT! I think you'll get a good many fans. .~

Good luck,

Solange MacLeod

WOW! This is a realy good story. I hope that you write more soon._

i like it. i sound more like the old guy than the young people, and i'm 14. how sad...happy hunting.