Hey Rach! _ I've kinda turned into a really big poop head about reviews of late... alright? So your going to get a long one and a review that tells you what I like and don't like. Kay?

Sunday, October 30th

Something is wrong, Of this I am certain. Rae is upset about the foreign boy, Yaroslav. I think he did something to her. She said he didn’t do anything to her, that it was something he said, but she won’t tell me what it was. Yaroslav, Rae, and I are normally good friends. He even carved a wooden horses for her. I wonder what he said to her. I hope she is alright.

Tonight is the hallows eve party. That it occurred on a Sunday is no coincidence, Of this I am certain.

I like this diary entry, along with the diary entry that Lizzy and Rachell later find to be Rae. It flows well and it actually sounds like something of an older style of writing that people used to use.

I like how you are slowly leading your readers into the plot, and making them feel a certain kind of connection to the characters.

I also liked your word choice throughout your chapters, the words flowed together and the sentences flowed just as well, nothing was really choppy.

Now for the bad.

I didn't really like the whole Lizzy barging in and her and Rachell screaming at each other. That seemed awkward to mean, although it was kind of funny to read.

I another thing I don't like is I feel like you were kind of rushing the story. You discribed but only on things that lead into something else. If I was a reader that didn't know you guys personally I would have to say that I still have no sense whatever of what Rachell or Lizzy look like. It get's kind of is everything.

Another thing that can be considered bad but I am not really sure is, since the beginning I've kinda had this sense that you are trying to make Lizzy and Rachell these reincarnations. And after reading the third chapter the feeling has grown turmendously. You might not want to be so obvious with your plot in the near then again I could be wrong on what you're planning.

Oh well.. the summary of this is that I love this story still, and you know that... the bad things I said are stuff that you can work on if you want to make it better but then again you don't have too.

Love~Diablo Darkmoon

Oh, it's a mystery!

Oh, I like it! Write more, please!

This story is very good. I like the premesis of the story, and the twist of the vampire being thirteen was interesting. One thing though, try to avoid you're/your mistakes. You're you are, and your it belongs to you. But otherwise, this was very well written! Don't leave me at that cliffie for too long!

Wow, this is good! I can't wait to read the next chapter!

this is really good! continue! :)

Wow! This is really good! Hurry and get chapter three up!

This one is a good story too, but I have a question. Is your name Rachel? Are you thirteen? Or do you know someone like that who is important to you? It's cool and everything, every story has a Rachel or Rachell. Okay, ot's an obvious observation, just wanted to mention it.

Hello, sorry it took so long to review, but better late than never right? anyway. heres what i have to say. forst of all thank you for reviewing my fics, i appreciate the input. now for your story. i've only read chapter one, just to let you know, and i didnt find too much wrong with it. except that you tend to rush into things too quickly. such as when rachell was gone, it was done too quickly and it didnt allow the reader enough time to get into the mood of the frighting experience. also as for getting into the feeling of the story (weather the feeling ins forboding, happy, depressing, angry or any other feeling for that matter), you should work on that, look over your chapter at least three times over a couple of days to make sure that its ready to be posted. that way it gives you time to smoothen it out, add things here and there and catch the typos. also when you write you tend to say a word too many times, making an otherwise fine paragraph sound repetitive. like one of the first paraghraphs when you were describing te mansion. the word "mansion" was said over and over. just try too find a synonym. other then that there really wasnt Anything wrong. i really liked it and i looking forward to reading the rest. (im curious)

now for the part where i give the advice that i always give to people i review. first of all watch out for "dead words" such as "good, bad, thing, got...ect..." when you come across one of those words, find a synonym. also dont forget to describe your setting. such as the weather the people and things like that, so that the reader is aware of what time period and where exactly the characters are. when your going to post look over your chapters as many times as you possibly can over several days. dont just post because people are begging you to, post when you think you have a nice, well-structured chapter that would merrit other people's attention. although no matter how many times you look over it it can always be made better. i know because i look over my chapters many times before posting and i still find dosens of typos and other people always give me some advice in which i can better my chapter and story. about the whole spelling thing, im not a very wonderful speller myself. i just work on it, i write as much as i can and read as often as possible and im still very happy and grateful for spell check. well i hope that i have helpped you. good luck, take care, and remember: "writing freezes thought and puts it up for inspection"

So when are you getting chapter two up?

I like his one you know that