Reviews for Brother Sun, Sister Moon
Morcar chapter 11 . 10/23/2003
"last Paladin"? Not sure the terminology feels terribly *tribal* to me (of course there could be perfectly good reasons for this to do with some connection to the Dorians). Technically it *can* just mean one who strongly defends a cause, but it has come to be so associated with knightly virtues that it struck me as a little jarring.

The last line "he couldn't help but wonder if his childhood friend, Aurion, had been facing similar problems within the Guild." once again strikes me as a little bit too much exposition - it's straying into "your father, the king" territory, if you see what I mean. I personally would have either left it at "Aurion" or at "his old friend". Again Gilraen's excellent points about raising questions in the mind of the reader come into play.
Morcar chapter 10 . 10/23/2003
The intercutting between Aurion's reflections and the (for want of a better term) real time action is working extremely well. This scene could very easily have been an annoying angstfest, with spirits being gnomic an Nefertarin being all "I don't understand" and predictable at them. Breaking it up like this keeps things varied and I feel that the piece is the better for it.

Not only that but unlike some sotiries told through journal entries () this is still actually reading like a journal, rather than just being a iece of first person (or third person) narration that happens to begin "dear diary"
Morcar chapter 9 . 10/23/2003
There still seems to be a whiff of "the invaders showed up and wrecked our paradise" in the descriptions of the city. On the other hand war *does* blight a place so it isn't particularly gratuitous, and I'm still quite willing to believe that this is all going to get more complex later on (after all I'm only, what 10, 15% of the way in...)

Do you actually mean "Matron Daemon" in the second paragraph, or should it be Patron Daemon. Both work, but Matron sounds a little bit odd (although possibly only because I can't hear the word without thinking of Kenneth Williams)
Morcar chapter 8 . 10/22/2003
Aurion is working extremely well as a pseudo-omniscient narrator - I'm not sure how well he'd work as a main character, but providing comment from the sidelines he is entirely in his element.

I'm massively confused by the chronology now however. The first few chapters imply that the invasion came 200 years ago and the children were born 10 years ago. Now, however, the children are 28 and Aurion is writing of their lives as something which happened in the past.

I'm not sure I can take the weapon restrictions seriously. It just seems far too D&D for me ("I can't use a sword, I'm a cleric" "Aren't you a cleric of the god of *swords*?" "Well... yeah... but that's not the point, I'm a **cleric**). The Guild having a lot of arbitrary restrictions on how to live your life is perfectly sensible, but the weapon specifications makes them sound a bit too much like a character class for me.
Morcar chapter 5 . 10/22/2003
...a very long time indeed...

Just a very quick note. I'd remove the bit at the very end of chapter 5 saying "When he would realize that Talanion was dreaming of his twin sister, it would be too late; for all of them." It's a guess that a lot of the audience will have made already, and if they haven't it's better (IMO) to have the revelation come later.
Morcar chapter 4 . 10/22/2003
It occurs to me that if I review ever chapter this is going to take a *very* long time...

Just a quick note to say that I rather like what you've implied here with the foxgloves in the sleeping powder. It seems to suggest that there is a degree of ambiguity between divine vengeance and mortal spite (if you see what I mean). This is usually a good thing.
Morcar chapter 3 . 10/22/2003
Further thoughts. I'm still not certain if the continual insertion of historical notes is an entirely good idea. It *does* give the reader a better look at the culture the story is set in, but there is the golden rule of showing rather than telling, and the reader will still only *really* see what the various cultures in the story are about when they, well... see it.

So far, things are also coming across as a little bit "NativesGood, and in tune with nature and stuff, ForeignersBad authoritarians". On the other hand it's early days yet and I am well prepared to accept that this will change later on.
Morcar chapter 2 . 10/22/2003
Initial thoughts then.

The prologue was nicely gnomic, but chapter 1 felt more like a standard prologue and could, I feel, have been done without.

I would echo the sentiments of the reviewer who said, of the prologue, that it's good to see a prologue that isn't just used as an excuse for the author to lay out all the backstory.

This is, of course, just my personal preference, but in many ways I far prefer working out the backstory as I go along from bits of scattered information I glean from the story that ufolds.
RivanKnight chapter 69 . 10/18/2003

A humorous chapter in the middle of a horror/tragedy fic. HAHA! Interesting deviation. :) Oh! It's Gingerhead's cousin!

Hmm curious, so wat did Tal do?



ps: did you manage to receive my emails?
DrunkenMonkeyKing chapter 15 . 10/17/2003
Yup, yup, Talanion really is quite the lady's man, isn't he? Another good chapter and I loved the aura of colors that you atrributed to each person.
DrunkenMonkeyKing chapter 14 . 10/17/2003
Gosh, this is going to be a real short review, 'cause I want to know what she sees with the Sight!

Anyway, I loved how Nestus was worried about the possibility his adopted son was the true father of the Queen's child. I would hardly be surprised.

I also loved these lines in particular, they struck me out as really excellent writing:

Talanion was in the company of several of his comrades, all young men in their prime, bursting with life and fire. And the women of the assembly were attracted to them like moths to a flame.

That fool Nestus had hoped to control this young man. Aurion knew better. This was the most unlikely of creatures to tolerate a leash. Sooner or later, he'd burn it along with his captor.

Keep this stuff up, it's great!
DrunkenMonkeyKing chapter 13 . 10/17/2003
Ah, that does make a bit more sense now. Interesting, but a bit short for an Aurion Whitebone chapter. These are my favorites, so keep them coming! (Poor Aurion, Oedipus complex {hopefully that's the one I mean} and all)
shadowycat chapter 69 . 10/16/2003
Well...a slight reprieve, I suppose. Belial is clearly related to Gingerhead. :) What's Talonian done now? The wrong twin was sucked into the Void in my opinion.

Hope you're feeling better. :) PA&PH has been updated again.
Unfinished Author chapter 69 . 10/16/2003
Lol the over whemling 'Duh' sensation overcame me there as you uncovered your messanger of death. Should have know lol. I loved the way this was written, and the message love overcomes the darkness sounds like something you may have been working towards putting in, a lot like my story at the moment (Working 'black candlelight into the tale u shall see *evil cackle*)

Congrats on another great chapter!
El Wraith chapter 69 . 10/15/2003
Well, it's taken about a week since I first discovered "Brother Sun, Sister Moon" but I've finally caught up with you. Go me. _

First of all, I think you should know that this is easily one of my top three favourite fictions of *all* the Internet material I've read through (both fanfiction and original). This is a true epic, written with exquisite detail. This is a story that I couldn't stop reading, even when there was work to be done. Everything about it is absolutely engaging and deserving of almost any compliment, no matter how elaborate. I have no real way of explaining my delight with each chapter; by chapter six, when Nefertarin was possessed briefly by Sadatix, I'd been drawn right into the heart of the story. It felt as though I was a part of it, like some unseen, unknown character.

Needless to say, I adore all of the characters, even those whom I hate. _~ Most are incredibly complex. Nefertarin, Talanion and Aurion appear as real people to me, with real thoughts and emotions.

And the plot, with its twists and turns, has been dragging left and right, constantly catching me off guard. I love that. _

Any nit-picky little comments I might have made already seem to have been addressed by previous reviewers, so I'm afraid I don't have much constructive criticism to offer at the moment. Just the good stuff. What a shame . . .

Amazing work. I applaud yet again. *applauds*

*On Chapter 69* - The tension between Aurion and Talanion continues to build. I can hardly stand it! .
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