|Reviews for Brother Sun, Sister Moon|
| Cutlass chapter 2 . 6/6/2004
Good use of time, it was structured differently, but still easy to follow. It's obvious from this chapter that you have an excellent grasp of your world - you cover everything from geography to the tribes' way of life to religion. I usually get a bit bored when reading just background information, but you made it interesting and didn't write it in a heavy-handed style.
Nitpicky grammar stuff:
First of all, let me say that for someone writing in a second language, your structure and syntax is excellent and impressive. However, being the grammar freak that I am, I've noticed that there are a few minor mechanical errors here and there. So here we go:
"Guided by the iron fist of the Captain of the Dark Tower, the sea tribe of Akretera, the Luthare, had defended the kingdom from countless attacks." A somewhat confusing sentence...maybe just because there's too many appositives.
"And soon the capital, Lut-Plumin, fell to the enemy. And a new order was brought to the once peaceful island of Akretera." Compared to the marvelous flow of words up to this point, the two sentences starting with 'and' just seem a bit rough and jarring.
"their heavy armory a hindrance than an asset in climbing through the rough mountain paths." Put 'more' before 'a' to indicate a comparison (so that it makes sense when you use 'than').
| Cutlass chapter 1 . 6/6/2004
Wow. Quite an effective, dramatic prologue. I liked the recurring images of dust and bones, and you do a great job of hinting at a larger scope and world. Your language use is practically flawless, I could only find this one minor nitpicky thing: "But I have glimpsed through the veil that has covered my eyes and saw the fragile glitter of the things that matter." You start that out in past perfect but then just switch to past with 'saw' - change it to 'seen.' Definitely going to read more of this.
| ladylore chapter 2 . 6/3/2004
I am in love with this! BRAVO! great work. You have a fabulous style of writing. Thank you for sharing.
Please R and R me x
| Morcar chapter 45 . 5/30/2004
I always worry about portrayals of madness, it's a touchy subject even in fantasy. I'm not quite sure about Nefertarin's madness yet, so far we haven't seen much of her behaviour, only a bit of description about what happens to her. I don't really feel that - as of this chapter - I've got much of a handle on how things are actually *affecting* her.
| Morcar chapter 44 . 5/29/2004
Ah, this was the other thing that had been bothering me for the past half-dozen or so chapters. The war is still going on isn't it. It seemed to have been completely forgotten while all eyes turned to Neffie and Tallie's burgeoning romance. I don't like the way that the war seemed to have been put on hold while we watched the main characters shagging. It feels a little too much like their relationship was being presented as more important than the Terrible Cthuloid Evil, and that bugs me.
| Morcar chapter 42 . 5/29/2004
Perhaps it's because I'm a bloke, but I prefer Talanion' reaction to Nefertarin's. It's more human.
Of course it is absolutely essential that Talanion and Nefertarin react in different ways, you need to highlight the Sun/Moon Night/Day dichotomy as much as possible after all. On the other hand I can't help but feel that Nefertarin was a little bit too forgiving in the last chapter (although that being said, there's a sense in which her forgiveness came across as weakness as much as wisdom, which I rather liked).
I don't think I've ever managed to get a grip on Nestus, he's always struck me as a bit of a foil for the other characters, the guy whose job it is to be aggravating in the background and get shown up by the Necromancers and the Sagate and the like.
| Morcar chapter 41 . 5/29/2004
I always feel that when somebody in a story like this asks "why didn't you tell me?" it takes a lot to make the answer satisfying, and I don't think you're quite there with this chapter. Okay, so it has something to do with the Ancient Enemy, but would a man of power and will *really* go along with some vague and handwavey talk about Destiny when it would (a) deeply hurt somebody he cared about and (b) lead to somebody he was in love with carrying on with somebody else. He had the power to stop the entire thing, I'm not convinced he wouldn't have used it.
On a stylistic note, this chapter is denoted at the end as being "by hand and blood of Aurion Whitebone" - that is to say, a journal entry. However it wounds up being more first-person narration, if you see what I mean. Bram Stoker has the same problem in Dracula - people don't report dialogue verbatim in their diaries, they may record what was said, but they won't do dialogue.
| Morcar chapter 40 . 5/29/2004
I ofund something about this chapter a little unsatisfying. Possibly I think it's something to do with the fact that the shock of realisation that strikes the characters is completely lost on the readers, because they've known the truth from page 1.
It might also be something to do with the very suddenness of it all, they go from absolute ignorance to absolute knowledge in a heartbeat. I think I would rather have seen something more gradual.
| alionya chapter 79 . 5/26/2004
This was such a beautifuls story. I loved every part of it. I must admit that it was completed and the number of reviews attracted me to it, but when I started reading, none of taht mattered any more. I would like to see what you have in mind for the sequal. Their love was true to the end and that was a wondeful thing.
I wonder if his son will be in the next one. It would be interesting to see what happend to him and where his destiny lay. Maybe it would have something to do with the tree.
You are by far one of the best writers that i have seen on fictionpress. Your able to inspire dreams and ignite feelings with the twist of a pen and i hope that you keep writing.
Now I feel that this review must come toan end so until the next time, keep writing.
| alionya chapter 31 . 5/24/2004
I hate to leave here but my class beckons me onward. The story so far is enchanting. I was caught in the very first chapter. The plot is wonderful and your charachrers have developed beautifully. I can't wait to see what happens at the end.
| Morcar chapter 37 . 5/23/2004
Sorry it's taken so long to get back and review - been busy with a thousand and one things.
Generally still holding together, I'm not overly fond of Assassins Guilds - again with the "slightly too D&D for my tastes". Still they're fairly understated so far. I'm also not entirely sure how much sense it makes to hire a guild assassin to frame somebody - if an assassins guild *does* exist then it's going to be well known, and people's automatic assumptions are going to be "guild assassin, could have been hired by anybody"
| gryphkin chapter 79 . 5/17/2004
My only regret upon learning of your story is that I discovered it after it was completed. Granted the story afforded me MANY many hours of reading enjoyment, but I feel I've missed out on its journey to completion.
That said, I absolutely ADORED the entire thing. Having nine cats myself, Belial had to be my favorite character, but both Talanion and Feranion claim close second.
Excellently executed and brilliantly planned, there is only one more thing to say (alright, two): congratulations and I look forward to Legacy of Fire, whenever it may appear.
| Jon chapter 79 . 5/16/2004
After randomly stumbling across your story, I can truly say that you are definitely one of the best authors on this site.
A truly enjoyable read, thank you.
| CerriC chapter 79 . 5/15/2004
Oh, I forgot to tell you: I have a bunch of kittens here. Most of them were off with their mothers, but two of them were off alone cuddled up together. So I checked and there was a boy and a girl. Their names now? Talanion and Nefertarin! _
| CerriC chapter 79 . 5/15/2004
Before I begin ranting I think I should tell you how I came across this work. I came across a poem, first, that referred me to it. The poem was alright, so I wasn't sure if I would read the story or not. When I saw how long it was though, I knew it would keep me entertained. The number of reviews, too, influenced that decision.
I certainly wasn't disappointed. I read the first 15 chapters that first night. The next day I read to chapter 64, and today I finished it.
The story wasn't just addictive, though. I thought about the characters when I was away from the computer too. I couldn't wait to read more about the world you created and the people in it. Words can not express how wonderful this story was.
I would definately read a sequel.