Reviews for Fallen Apart
I Adore Linear Regression chapter 2 . 12/25/2007
Aren't you going to continue? This is good.
Surautomatism chapter 2 . 3/4/2005
This seems really interesting so far. I'll have to check on it later.
Songofthewind chapter 2 . 7/14/2003
Interesting - the way you form emotions in the reader. This has a sort of depressing, curious feel. Certainly good writing, but not quite what I expected.

Well, I do hope there's more. Wait- scratch that. It's probably annoying to have everyone nagging for more. But I really like it, I do. :)

~May the West wind guide your wings.~
midzen chapter 2 . 6/27/2003
I like this story! It has definately made me curious. You're good at serious fiction! Keep up the great work.
Rai Kamishiro chapter 2 . 6/12/2003
I'm not quite sure why, but this story has me horribly intrigued. Lovely way to show the status of the world with out decending in to overly long paragraphs of dscription.

Rai Kamishiro
Becca chapter 1 . 6/4/2003
Popped over from Elfwood having read the first chapter.

This is a nice opening prologue, because it briefly introduces the harshness of the world in this time, as well as introducing the main character.

I like the italics they're really nice, although they give the feeling that they're said by the boy, which i take it they're not. You don't have to clarify what they are refering to, because it would spoil the effect, but i have to say i am curious.

I am very curious about the boy, in fact about this story in general. Let me know when there is more please :)
serephent chapter 1 . 6/3/2003
I think chapter one stands alone without the prologue and I now understand why the mod rejected this piece. There is nothing in this to make anyone think future or sci-fi, so I cannot blame them in the least. I would just edit your first chapter with this at the top and then a break and the start of the chapter, or, if you submit this again, mention it is the prologue to the other piece. You can put info in the description to help the mod out.
Garrett C chapter 2 . 5/30/2003
I am intrigued. I don't know that I would call this a dystopia because this world certainly does not seem utopian in my eyes (not by my idea of utopia, but by that which I have read in novels such as 1984, We, The Wanting Seed, Brave New World, etc.). The usual utopia is still government run... very government run, and achieved "for the good of all" blah blah blah. This seems more like a chaos, but I am open to trying to think a new way. I can't say that I especially enjoy Melanie Mortimer. Her name reminds me of a looney tune, but her characterization seems just fine. The unknown boy, on the other hand, sounds greatly interesting. He is the strength of piece, hands down. Thus far, you offer a promising snippet. My only question is, if there have not beencalendars for a very long time, how does the ex-policeman know so well that it has been sixteen years since the world changed?
Wings of Dark chapter 2 . 5/29/2003
You have a thing for leaving good pieces dangling!

Wings of Dark chapter 1 . 5/29/2003
Interesting ending there, although that's where the best part is, the ending of the prologue! Add a hook at the beginning.

French Pony chapter 2 . 5/21/2003
O, very Orwellian, just in time for his hundredth anniversary. Dark and very stylish. All those rat people running around in New York - you seem to like New York. New York and purple hospital rooms. Where in all this land o' the gray did Melanie acquire purple paint?

Your spacing of background information has improved. Just keep it slow and steady in little dribs and drabs.

And please don't completely abandon "Elf In A Cage." I like that one.
Laziness Incarnate chapter 2 . 5/20/2003
Melanie Mortimer is cool. Her name is cool. It alliterates. My (real) name alliterates. It is cool. I am cool. Therefore Melanie Mortimer is cool.

*cough* Anyhow, an intriguing start, and well-written as always.
StarlightWarrior chapter 2 . 5/19/2003
Still very good! Not as gripping as the first chapter, though- I hope there will be more of the hospital in the future. But that's just me; I've always been partial to tales of institutionalized insanity.

Sorry about the silliness of the chapter; I got a lot of wacky donations, (not sensible ones like pieces of gold and magic rings), and I tried to do my best with what I got. Ah, well. . .

The next chapter of The Enslaved Elves shall be coming soon- I think you'll like it, too. I shall say no more. ;)

P.S. I just read a hilarious fic, "How to Take Over the World in Ten Easy Steps". It's on my fave list- I highly recommend it. :)
Wildman chapter 2 . 5/18/2003
Nice start. The descriptions are done well and the pace is perfect. The tone fits the setting; it feels like a crummy place to live. It also raises several story questions and creates a good deal of tension, just what you want in a good beginning. Keep up the good work.
Guest chapter 1 . 5/17/2003
This is one of the best opening paragraphs to a story I've ever read. I love the line about the purple room. Can't wait to read more!
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