|Reviews for Two of a Feather Shall Fight Together|
| ibgone chapter 1 . 6/4/2003
Is it Kyn or Ken? You keep switching between the two.
| Raptor chapter 1 . 5/31/2003
HEY HEY HEY! I finally made it on here! Thanks for the dedications! I feel so special now. :p *hugs* I LOVE THIS STORY! I've been following it since you showed it to me! I love it! Have fun! I g2g because my dogs are very very hungry right now..._ I have to feed them, great fic!
| Icy Phoenix chapter 4 . 5/29/2003
The plot thickens. I'm lovin' it so far. I wanna see how things turn out. you are an awesome writer and I think I can learn alot from you, so keep it up!
| Destin chapter 4 . 5/29/2003
Thank you for updateing ! This is so good ! You guys are better authors then me! I can't wait to see what happens next ! It's so good !
Thanks for reviewing my stories. I love you guys reviews alot.
OMG I love this story. Your definally going into my favorite authors !
| Jen84 chapter 4 . 5/28/2003
You're doing really well. I wonder if the twins will find the other...twins. That would be interesting.
Molly is growing up fast, but she sounds like a tough kid.
| Belle the Shadow-Cat chapter 4 . 5/28/2003
Very nice story, Hawk Sage. I like the whole telepathy thing. I also like the fact they can communicate with animals. But it seems Kyn and Cayn are no ordinary animals.
There are, however, a few problems with your story. They are not related to the story plot itself though. It has to do more with the grammar. Starting with chapter one I found one really prominent mistake.
mollie looked around and all she could see is the forest.
In this story you have a lot of problems with the tense. You'll want to stick with one, though most people prefer the past tense. You use a mix of present/past tense. Which you DON'T want to do. Past sounds SO much better. I'll point this out to you in your sentence.
Mollie looked around and all she could see WAS the forest. See? It sounds a TON better.
On to chapter 2
Some how Mollie knew where her brother is
You're folling with past/present again. And somehow is one word, not too. So this is what it'd look like fixed.
Somehow Mollie knew where her brother was
My name is Joey, I'm sorry if I frighten you.
You need a period, not a comma after Joey.
It should be: My name is Joey. I'm sorry if i FRIGHTENED you.
Chapter 3 i found quite a few mistakes i'll point out one small one and one BIG one.
"I'm... uh... uh...Paul." the man said in a scared way, because he's afraid that the name may make Mollie remember her father, which was him.
Why the heck did you reveal why he was scared? You shouldn't tell us HE'S her father. Why would Mollie remember, it seems he abandoned them long before Mollie was at a remembering age. Don't but that, have it be revealed in some sort of conversation, even if you revealed it in this chapter. You could've revealed it in chapter 4 when he's talking to his brother. Or the Cayn and Kyn could say
"Remember that man, Paul you met in the woods. I hate to tell you, but he's your father. We know because we're your cousins. And your father is working with our father. We changed ourself's into animals in order to hide from our father . . ."
Try something like that. Now the big one:
He knew that was going to happen. "Really, well, uh...uh...see...I never really had a family, sort of to speak." he said in a worried way.
"Did you have two children or more by any chance?" Joey asked.
"Um...uh...I had two, I...so how did you get here again?" Paul said trying to get off that subject quick.
"You what? Tell us." Mollie said to their so-called friend.
Why should Mollie question the 'had two children, they could have died, or maybe their grown up. You make her sound like she already knows, which she doesn't. You make her sound angry with the statement "Their so- called friend." You could make her curious and have her ask: "You had two children," said Mollie concerned. "What happened to them." Then he could say
"I... left them." he said sighing with his head down. See? Makes more sense. No with the rest of the conversation.
"Why did you leave US?" Mollie asked demandingly.
Huh? HE said I left them, not i left YOU AND YOUR BROTHER. How would she know they left her and why. That just DOES NOT make sense.
Now to chapter 4 i'll point out one mistake 'cause this reviews getting long.
'You're sure it's safe in there?' Ken asked. He surprised everybody and then he said, "We can make ourselves known to any one if we try. Luckily you guys were only heard by us only."
This sentence needs restructuring. Don't use YOu're that means you are. Does this make sense? If you use the full term in other words not using contractions does. "You are sure it's safe in there?" see? Doesn't exactly make sense.
Also you should combine Ken asked and 'he suprised everyone.'
Anyone is one word, not two. Also you need a comma after Luckily.
Also you used only twice. So it'd look better if you remodled it to something like this:
'Are you sure it's safe in there?' Ken asked, surpriseing everyone. "We can make ourselves know to anyone if we try. Luckily, we were the only ones who heard you guys."
See? I'm not trying to totally rip apart your story. I'm just trying to make it better and more understandable. But i must say there were MANY other mistakes which i did not point out, most were tense mistakes.
You said yourself you made this in the 7th grade. I assume you are at least in 8th now. And you should know more about grammar, you should also have gone over this more thorouly run over this with a spell checker too. So that you can weed out all the 7th grade mistakes. May i reccomend a good Beta reader if you need more assistance, because this needs more looking over. If you can't find anyone else to Beta read, i would do it. If you really need it, that is. Just ck out my profile and e-mail me if that's so. Then we can work out the arrangements.
-Belle the Shadow-Cat
| flowerelf chapter 4 . 5/28/2003
very interesting. Now I'll have to follow your stor to the end! A good idea, it's just a little choppy, and getting better!
| Anime Queen chapter 3 . 5/27/2003
i've read your story, and i love the plot line! very dramatic! _
i would have thought that the twins would have somewhat of a bigger reaction to the fact that their own father is trying to kill them (btw, i guess i'm still to find out why he wants to kill them...) instead of just not saying anything. i also think that a description of Paul would have been nice, but it's just a suggestion!
well, another suggestion, i guess, would be not to hurry the events, but spend some more time on description, characterization, and the like. i'm not being mean! _ they're only suggestions...
hope that was helpful, somewhat, and i'm looking out for the next chapter!
| Icy Phoenix chapter 3 . 5/26/2003
Awesome! Only one thing, Joey and Lauren seemed to appear out of no where! Is that how it's supposed to go? So far so good! keep up the good work! Thanks for reviewing the story! I am working on the next chapter now!
| Lydiby chapter 3 . 5/20/2003
Hey! Er, neffy, but I'm confused. And i keep imagining deep voice paul as James Earl Jones which doesn't fit at all! Mais, yes I'm confused, due time? side note: when you're describing people, well it just sounds award to me to say,'she has brown eyes,' than, 'she had brown eyes.' just switching tenses around gets funky cause I know she Still Has brown eyes, but changing tenses is just bad. so I hope I haven't crushed you, erm-eck [fidget]. nee I just, oh blingle narf.
| OrianaGRX chapter 1 . 5/19/2003
Great first chapter.
Your story reminds me of the kind of tale my beloved grandmother used to tell my siblings and me. Definitely brought a nostalgic tear to my eye.
I'm wondering who the man is and what he wants with Ken and Mollie.
| Jen84 chapter 3 . 5/18/2003
I don't hate you. Girl's are smarter, just kidding, or am I?
| Jen84 chapter 2 . 5/18/2003
I'm glad that Molly knows that Ken will be coming for her, with help.
It's only getting better.
| Jen84 chapter 1 . 5/18/2003
You are too nice to thank me, but I have to give you credit. I get plenty of help proof reading my stories, but thanks.
I can tell this story is going to be good, and it's all your own.
That man at the end is pretty scary.
| Destin chapter 3 . 5/18/2003
God , this is a good story.
It is one of the best stories I ever read.
Please update soon .I will be looking forward to it.
O and can you please read one of my stories.