|Reviews for The Order in Chaos|
| Robynbird chapter 4 . 8/9/2005
'His last sight before he fell unconscious was the soulless man nod satisfactorily, and then Umbra lost consciousness.'
That sentence could use work. Its repetative. But otherwise, good chapter.
| Robynbird chapter 2 . 8/9/2005
| Robynbird chapter 1 . 8/9/2005
Wow. This is a great start to what I'm sure is gonna be a great story. Keep up the good work.
| Rara Punk chapter 2 . 1/1/2005
"within seconds" - howabout on impact?
I love the sound effect 'whomp' awesome.
In some places you need to cut down on your sentences. You over desribe the action which slows the place down a lot.
But other than that, this is great. A very interesting development here!
| Rara Punk chapter 1 . 12/16/2004
You put a lot of words where they are not needed, giving an impression of repetition. It also detracts from the point of your sentences
“he attempted what he never had dared risk before.” ‘he attempted what he never risked before’ – be more exact. Chose the best word to suit and keep it simple.
“He had no choice but to go ahead through with the plan.” – its either ‘go ahead’ or ‘go through’, it can’t be both.
This paragraph needs re-rewriting.
“Although the labyrinth the boy ran through was merely one hall of many intersecting corridors, all alike in their bleak black walls and reflective floors, he ran through the maze with more confidence than his pursuers. He had imprinted this trail into his memory, just like he had each time he had been led off the Manor Proper, and this had been his most treasured path of all.” – Chop out many of the words. Here is how I would do it – you can use it for a starting place if you want. ‘The labyrinth the boy ran through was a hall of hundreds (how many is many to the boy or you? Tens, hundreds, thousands?) of identical intersecting corridors with black walls and reflective floors. He ran through the maze with more confidence than his pursuers as he had imprinted the trail (‘this trail – might be better phrased here as ‘escape route’ or something) into memory, just like he had each time he had been led off the Manor Proper. The corridors he passed through now had been his most treasured path of all.’
One or more…?
Unless of course the (one) to help him had lied… but (they) had thrown their chip in with his, so the boy admitted there was little he could do to worry about that. – One suddenly becomes ‘they’ – more than one.‘so the boy knew there was no use in worrying, he could little do about it.’ – There are many places where you need to rearrange the sentences to make them stronger and clearer.
Dice more than one die. (and wouldn’t it just have that more symbolic impact if you write ‘Even if he worried, the die had already been cast…’)
“The sentence kept crashing in through his ears, the noiseless phrase stabbing into his mind” – You could repeat the phrase here in italics – it would give it more impact.
I do like the idea you have here – I would read on, but to fix up your language a bit. You have the right words and descriptions – I have no problem ‘seeing’ the story – you just need to improve it so it reads more comfortably. It otherwise detracts from a promising story.
| Ahrar you know chapter 4 . 9/17/2004
This is pretty good, dude. I enjoyed it reading it now, even though I've read it before.
I really like the way that this rewrite is starting, it's a definite improvement over version 1.0, if you will...
Anyhoo... Good job. Keep it up. I don't really have anything else to say.
| Moroni of the Mount of Ro chapter 4 . 9/12/2004
I hope your move went well! Yay! New chapters! ::dances:: I'm so excited!
"His ears told him nothing broke the eerie silence other then his own heavy footsteps"
The "Then" should be "than"
"his eyes reported nothing more frightening then vague shadows spilling over the ground in the light of the solitary moon"
Again, "then" should be "than"
Holy crap . . . THIS IS SO COOL! *_*
Wow . . . That's really . . . Interesting. I can't wait for the next chapter! Yay! Thanks for the reviews on Greava . . . I think I might actually combine some chapters . . . ::sigh:: I only have ideas for a few more chapters, then I'm stuck. Well, I have an idea . . . But the idea is millions of miles away from where I am now. Oh well! I'm just winging it, after all . . .
Anyways, keep up the good work! This is my favorite story of yours right now!
| Rytia Malachite chapter 4 . 9/12/2004
Hey glad to see you're still out there writing away. My only complaint is that some of you sentances seem a bit long.
But this was a good chapter, well thought out, as usual! _ I can't wait for the next one.
| amazingblazes chapter 4 . 9/12/2004
Wow...great chapter. I really love reading your fight scenes, you rock at them. Please update soon, I don't know if I can wait another three months for the answer to the cliffhanger!
| biminator chapter 3 . 8/20/2004
hmm. intersting beginning to a story. well-planned. it's obvious you took your time on this. good job. update soon.
| Moroni of the Mount of Ro chapter 3 . 7/26/2004
::Fires of Hades Blaze in Eyes:: How . . . dare . . . you . . . leave . . . me . . . in . . . such . . . SUSPENSE! ::bursts into tears::
Kryst: ::points and laughs::
Joe Camel: ::falls out of the sky on top of Kryst::
Kryst: . . .
Anywhoo . . . Same goes for you. If you drop this story, I'll be forced to stalk you until I find out what happens!
| Moroni of the Mount of Ro chapter 2 . 7/26/2004
XD! This is so good! For some reason . . . When I think of cigarettes, I think of Kryst . . .
Kryst: Duh. That's becuase I'm so fantabulous!
Me: _;; Shove off. This is MY review.
Kryst: You hate me. XP
Anywhoo . . . Keep it up! I'm totally hooked!
| Moroni of the Mount of Ro chapter 1 . 7/26/2004
OMG! O.O! This is so exciting! I'm glad I'm finally here to review some of your stories . . . Especially after all you did for me in Greava! _ It's a bit slow going in the world of Greava these days . . . only one page of chapter 8 written now . . . But anyways, back to your story! I can't wait for the next chapter! ::scurries off to read it::
| amazingblazes chapter 3 . 6/3/2004
AH! A cliffhanger! Ah well, on to your website then, I am now officially hooked on this story. I really enjoy reading your descriptive passages, especially the one about the painting in this chapter. Keep it up!
| amazingblazes chapter 2 . 6/3/2004
This is getting better and better! I like the way your stories are so action-packed, I think you're the only writer I've seen on this site who can actually write good fight scenes. So kudos, and keep writing!