|Reviews for San Diego Sin|
| Lightness chapter 2 . 1/18/2004
this is a great start. this jay guy is one crazy little kid. youve done a very nice job of giving him a strong personality. the only thing you could maybe work on is adding more descriptions and such. oh and i wish youd write your numbers out, but thats just a silly little thing and doesnt really matter much.
anyway, great job. keep writing. bye now.
| Aureya of Chocolate chapter 2 . 9/1/2003
that's really good
fast paced, keeps you on the edge of your seat
even though i've only known jay for a little while, i still find myslef going "oh my god, oh my god" whenever he gets into a tight situation and cheering whenever he gets out of it and being sad and happy for him.
there's a word for how you get your audience to empathise with the character, but i can't remember what it is.
whatever it is, you're doing that really well!
you HAVE to keep writing this.
| Silver Thoughts chapter 2 . 8/10/2003
...This just gets better and better doesn't it. I love the 'RAPE RAPE!' part. Even though I am a good person, that is something I would try if I didn't have money to pay the cabbie (well even if I did have the money and didn't want to pay for it) (just kidding, I would never do that). But it was clever. Can't wait to see what happens next.
| Silver Thoughts chapter 1 . 8/10/2003
Well, It's an...Interesting story. Jay seems like a pretty VIOLENT character. It's not bad, I like it, I am just afraid of what jay will do next. Oh well.
| Garrett C chapter 2 . 8/8/2003
This is good. It is. I want to know what he is going to be doing in San Diego. The only thing that I think I would say that might make it better is that the story so far does seem to fly by. I actually like how the Lake Michigan intro is pretty quick, but the cabbie scene is a good opportunity for a little drama, a little suspense, a little something to add to Jay's depth as a character. That part has all the potential for a great early sequence, you've just got to work on it. The thing that makes it really hard is that if you force all that stuff, the reader can tell, so you've got to be careful with it. As for what I think should happen in the laer chapters (because you should get this story going farther) is that somehow we should learn a little about his past, what it is that makes Jay tick. I don't know if I'd like it better if San Diego makes him grow up or if he just has the same old troubles when he gets there, buut that is totally up to you and what you think San Diego means because it seems as the story goes on it will be the city that is the real character and Jay kind of its plaything. We'll see, hopefully.
| Ronda Dee chapter 2 . 8/8/2003
man that kid has a bad ass attitude. glad i am not him. well cant wait for more to come. it seems the chapters are a little short. but that can be just me. otherwise keep up the good work.
| Ronda Dee chapter 1 . 8/8/2003
this looks like to be the start of a very good story. ill continue reading. just too lazy to give a signed review.
| EmeraldEyes89 chapter 2 . 8/8/2003
I like the story. ::nods head:: yup I do. I had to check with the other side of my mentality...lol...I think I spelled that right...ok.I had sugar so I am kinda out of
I like the story