|Reviews for The House on Hewlitt Drive|
| NekoKittyPrincess chapter 6 . 10/28/2005
OMG!He got fried! lol!
Eric was mean anyway, kinda. I think Jake should die, or you should like give it a twist and kill Josh or something.
i want pasta now...yummy!
It gets better as it goes, good job, you might want to edit the first chapter tho. .UPDATE SOON!
| Pirate with a nut allergy chapter 1 . 8/17/2005
Pretty bad effort.
Unoriginal concept- A haunted house? Blow me barnacles, that's never been done before.
Unoriginal characters- who better to be stuck in a generic haunted house than a bunch of sassy, sexed up teenagers who only know how to relate to one another through sports.
Lack of pronouns- I'm sure you know by now.
In short, you promised that this would be a cool story, but in fact, it is a lame story.
I would go so far as to say that this story SUXORZ.
| Nari Hitomi chapter 5 . 12/8/2003
Yay! you updated and your story is getting very interesting. keep up the good work and keep up with those descriptions! you are doing good.
| hidden.contradiction chapter 4 . 11/8/2003
heh... it was about tessa. funny. someone should tell her... . heh. i'm glad she slapped him.. twas funny. what's going on between josh and bobbi? cuz they are together... or not.. or what? i'm confused... oh well. you'll eventually clear it up... so there's a big hole in the bathroom floor. and the floor broke for no reason. creepy axe... lol... toodles!
| Sapphire Mirage chapter 4 . 11/3/2003
Uh when'll someone die? And why would he just come out and say I love you? I agree with what was said before, its written like a movie script and the characters are annoying. Evolve the characters more and make them all unique. Overall good story, IM me sometime at SaphireDragonneo or email me at , we share a lot of interests.
| Sapphire Mirage chapter 2 . 11/3/2003
The second chapter was good but had short sentences and fragments, and a lot of miswording and spelling.
| Sapphire Mirage chapter 1 . 11/3/2003
I really like this story so far, but theres just a few things that are kinda bothering me. Theres A LOT of characters. I mean its great that you have so many but, it gets confusing, and when you have so many, it feels like you don't really care if they were to die or not because they aren't as detailed as the others. Second, im confused about the past and present tense. Should be present. And lastly, the paragraph with Bobbi describing the house wasn't scary. So why would Tess get scared? Oh and maybe you should pick another title cuz its been taken by like the movie and like a bunch of stuff, I like unigue titles. Anywayz sorry to say its so bad but it is actually a great story so far, im pretty intrigued so far, keep writing.
| Demon-Blue 015 chapter 3 . 10/27/2003
Wow... this is cool... i wonder if Tessa is gonna die, she better not cause i think she's cool. Not to be blunt or anything, you should like kill Jake and Bobbi, and Ella and her buddies, but keep Josh(maybe) and BJ and Tessa. i love her. but it's your story, keep up the good work, Willow person does have a point with all the Bobbi's not that i'm complaining, looking forward to more! Demon-Blue015
| Willow chapter 1 . 10/11/2003
Other reviews are positive and the story sounds good (though a tad overdone)I was itching to read this...until I started to. The story reads more like a movie script than an actual story. The characters are already on my nerves. And I am not saying I'm a good writer, cos Goddess knows I'm not, but I am trying to help. Please use some pronouns. In one or two paragraphs you used the name Bobbi 8 times. And the name Bobbi is annoying. But that's just me.
The teacher cut off BOBBI "That's enough BOBBI, I've made your point, now please sit down."
BOBBI took her seat. She glanced over at Josh. They shot out a laugh. BOBBI turned to Tessa, who was covering her head. BOBBI touched her shoulder. Tessa shot up and looked at BOBBI. "I was making the whole thing up you know Tess," said BOBBI.
"Yeah I knew that BOBBI!" Tessa lied
Way, too many Bobbi's. You used a few pronouns, okay..like 2 but even so all I read/hear is Bobbi, example:
Greg got up in the morning. Greg bops down the starts and runs into his mom.
"Oh Greg, you're up. I need you take out the garbage." she said to Greg.
Where you could just say:
Greg got up in the morning, bopping downstairs he runs into his mom.
"Oh Greg you're up. I need you to take out the garbage."
You don't need so many ",she said to 'so and so's in there. To much blather to wade through when you're trying to get to the story. I hope that helps..please keep up the good work.
| kenshinluver chapter 2 . 10/4/2003
wow this story is so great! i cant wait to read what happens next... your so creative. Write more please!
| the nar-ster chapter 1 . 9/18/2003
hey nice start! i hope you continue to get lots of reviews because you deserve up the good work.
| King of Dreams chapter 1 . 9/13/2003
i'm into it so...
plz post soon!
| hidden.contradiction chapter 1 . 9/13/2003
very nice story... i wanna read more of it.. so update soon. toodles!
| BambooShoots chapter 1 . 9/13/2003
I like it so far, can't wait to see what happens when they go to the house on haunted hill.