|Reviews for Ghosts of Tomorrow: Jade Legion|
| IAmDaMan chapter 14 . 7/27/2011
whoa whoa whoa! where's your spacing and stuff? is this all just one big paragraph? well, whatever. its okay, the story.
| hcjbsu chapter 4 . 7/4/2009
OKay so last chapter and this chapter were good but bugged me, see dialouge in a screenplay is written as the name of the person is centered adn the dialogue is underneathe... (i'll see if the review box will let me attempt it)
(with... whatever emotion, lol)
I can't take this... I will not take this go! just go!
The story is and if you make it easier to read it will be SO MUCH BETTER!
| hcjbsu chapter 2 . 7/4/2009
Okay from what i was able to read i like it. BUT it was very difficult ro read, i know it's a prologue, and furthermore it's a screenplay prologue, but still paragraph rules still apply so please seperate it.
It was otherwise good though and i look forward to reading more!
| hippychick19 chapter 2 . 10/20/2006
I'm amazed...how can you think of all this? I'm not usually crazy about sci-fi stuff like this, but this is really intriguing!
| Oni Starwind chapter 3 . 4/14/2005
yea this is assome. I'll read more later. GOt to go eat now. This is going on my favorites list.
| Oni Starwind chapter 2 . 4/14/2005
Man this is an introsting movie. I love the opening scene. I want to right a screenplay but i have trouble with the format. Think you can help me. My e-mail is
| Lindy clyde chapter 2 . 8/13/2004
I beleive at the beginning, there may have been to much people speaking, as when it switches from one person speaking to another, you sorta lose the flow of the story.
Instead of the syllian star crafts escaping with their hyperdrive (we've seen that in way to much movies, you can try to smarten it up some) 'Knowing their ships are indeed quicker than the event horizon of the black hole cephus created, the syllians indulge in the site of a dead threat. Therefore an aura of satisfactoin is apparent on cephus Face'
Sergei "Cephus, i will have my vengeance, in this life or another" How about "Cephus, vengeance will be mine, in my life and your death.
I think that the prophesy shouldnt not directly name the Syllians as the enemies, leave it available for any suprise you may want to unleash lil lata"
and for the acadians new hope, technically they aren't acadians right, they just have the essence of the acadians, so it be like the elders spoke about a new stregnth that will arise, a power all our own, but not from our home.
| wills-n-minne chapter 13 . 8/10/2004
Okay how'd you do that? I've been trying to put my screenplay on this website but the format is always supremely fucked up. If you could e-mail me at and tell me how you were able to make your screenplay look like an actual screenplay on this website that'd be grat. Thanks.
By the way, I love this story.
| Pookie Belly chapter 13 . 7/9/2004
Okay here we go! well its about damn time u submitted another chapter and from what i see ur writing skills are getting a whole lot better and the story is really comin together and is really drawin me into it (not that it wasnt before). I have a question though, this whole thermonulear/ biochemical attack that camesha is operating...what is the point of it? what are they to gain by goin through with this? that was my main issue with this screen play. i cant remember whether u mentioned it before or not but i thought that i should bring it up anyway. another problem i have (which i havent come up with a solution to yet) is that the training sequence between ren and the robots in the previous chapter was alot like dbz to me and its kind of played out in my oppinion. but then again i also thought that it was quite cheesy how they had neo in da matrix revolutions flyin about. neway u and i would talk further on that and try come up with sumthin. oh and another thing, the dream that justine had, although it would be a very beautiful scene to me it seems kinda mushy, but thats just me. you also have a couple spelling errors that u need to check out. i think instead of "shift" u wrote "shit" and some more errors. it seems to me that from this point on that there is going to be alot of action sequences so i cant wait for that :). da story is off da chainz and im proud of ya ;).
| Pookie belly chapter 1 . 2/21/2004
hey, i know i havent written a review in quite sometime but u know how things is, im so sorry for not keepin up with whats goin that ill try to do better. newayz, i finally finished reading the whole thing and overall the story is off the chain. u still have some gramatical and spelling errors, i noticed a good much in chapter 12 but i gatta find them again so that u can change it. the fighting sequences are a lil bit too dbz in my oppinion, i feel as though ive seen it all before,which kinda spoils the movie. although this is just a screenplay, i suggest that u try to come up with something new to bring to the table instead of recycling ideas that have already been played out, it would make things more interesting that way. u and i will talk on that note. like i have mentioned to you before, the training senes are kinda long and i feel as though its not really necessary. maybe u can show rens growth in power with a combination of different short scenes, if u kno what i mean. g2g ill send the rest of my review l8r.
| Ryan chapter 1 . 1/5/2004
I FINNALY got to reading the story, and I think it's interesting. The only problem is quite a number of gramatic errors such as spelling in some cases, but this is good. Ren and Justine seem like a real good couple, and it was good how you had the "love-making" scene in there, then how you had me and someone else rollin' Michael out so Ren can get to Justine. Orion was carryin' on bad, especially in chapter 9, all the eye glowing and sparks and spheres of energy was really something. If that was on TV the way I imagined the stuff in chapter 9, that'll be solid. The whole story carryin' on. Then you have the Bahamian slang in there; you didn't forget how bad us peeps on the island talk, so it has the Bahamian touch to it. Sorry to take so long to finally write a review, but sometimes I have so many other things to do, then I'n ga lie, I does be lazy to read at times. Keep it up bey. It's a real good story.
| Kenny chapter 12 . 12/22/2003
Ok, first off I really enjoyed the last 4 chaps. They begin to open up the story and makes it more interesting. Well you have to recheck the spelling of some words. For instance where you should have "your" you have "you" and where "his" should be you have "is" stuff like dat. Well sections can be semi-porn worthy. There are also a few holes, for instance. If 1 hour is 1 year while in the temple, explain how can the legion be watching ren from the temple if they are in accelerated time? Oh and I have a dbz feel to certain parts of it, I thought you were going for the more traditional fighting. Well besides that try not to add so many plot twist that people get confused as to what the hell was going on...I did for a while and had to reread one or two chapters. And besides that its great. It has its traditional and its unique aspects to it, but its definately yours. Oh and before I go I would like to suggest you decide on some addtional transitional effects and camera angles. Well the scene cuts to or fades out and the camera is always circling a scene or moving stuff in slow motion. Ok, hope to see the other chapters up soon, i'll be looking forward to it.
| Krytzie chapter 8 . 12/13/2003
Well, let's see.
Other than the stuff you wanted me to post after I wrote it for you, let's take the literary butcher knife to this script, shall we?
First off, replace all the "u"'s with "you". Professional presentation is a key to success. I know that it is a fair way into your manuscript, but when I see them, I have the urge to put it down. I saw three floating about, and I haven't read the full chapter yet.
I haven't read the script before this point, as you know, so I will try to make due with the base knowledge I have.
INT. I.S.A. DORMITORY - REN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
You need a light source. Whether it be a moon through curtains, you need something as a symbol of hope that whatever the dream was, it there is a way out and a way out of the darkness. Also, you need to have something so that it isn't an awkward light provided to see Ren's actions and his dialing.
o, another idea. why not have the moon or whatever light source you choose reflect on a picture or a momento of sorts that gives him the idea of calling Justine? This way, she is his hope and escape from the dream.
INT. I.S.A. DORMITORY - JUSTINE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Characterize Justine waking up. Is she prompt, is she sluggish? It will reflect on her personality and how she faces the unknown in her life.
Is this a bad time?
Ignore that stupid question. Look, I need
to see to you a.s.a.p./
a.s.a.p or as soon as possible? or a-sap? I don't usually head a full a.s.a.p. out of people and it may seem a little awkward.
/REN hangs up his phone and goes into the bathroom to get dressed. He
emerges a few seconds later in his basketball shorts and a cut-sleeved
shirt, grabs his keys off his night stand then leaves the apartment./
relevancy? Either make these actions worth something or toss them. You can always describe his clothes when he gets there, why are you putting it is NOW?
/CHEREE has sensed REN'S dream and seems worried./
How will you show this? Does she close her eyes and see a fragmented collection of the dreams events or what? If you make the sense chaotic and dangerous, there may be more sense for her to worry.
/Your awakening is drawing near Orionis./ five guesses where a comma goes. Did I mention I'm a grammar freak?
/He's has another dream./ had
/It hurts doesn't it?/ four guesses for a comma.
/It is 3:20 am./
How do we know this? A clock? Digital or traditional? colors? For example, a red digital clock could carry the connotations of danger, or even passion. Keep the elements in mind.
/JUSTINE opens the door of her apartment and let's REN in./ Is she telepathic? Did he knock? How did she know he was there?
/She leads him./JUSTINE scoots closer/ This contrasts the end of the scene and I'm curious as to how Justine is supposed to be. Is she assertive in the relationship or not? At the end, Ren is the one who leads in the physical aspect of the relationship and is protective. /pulls him into her arms/ I would see her more taking his hand.
Horrible dreams. I see my self dressed in
like armor and I'm like this illustrious
warrior that can do things you can't even
imagine./ nice dialogue except for the 'like'. It carries a 1990's valley girl slang into his discussiona nd it doesn't seem to fit.
/...flashback of a former life I once lead./ led.
It's okay...it's okay./ IS it okay? I know she is immediately comforting him, but what about her reaction to her being killed? No assurances to him of her being alive?
Stay with me for tonight./ I could see this coming before she actually brings him to bed. Slightly too forward.
*says a bunch to you an MSN and is too lazy to put it on here*
I like the symbolism of a throne in a parliament system but the fact that there is controversy to him ruins the symbolism of that. Perhaps he can be informed of there by one of his flanking people ((who can be on both side of him at once it seems)) in pirvate and he can address it then.
/As the parliament is in session, the lower level Syllain generals are
establishing order among the troops./ why aren't eh generals in the meeting?
Also, who not have Anatres' voice go over this scene, emphasizing the 'amassing'.
/Our forces will sweep across this planet,
pillaging cities and towns, until there is
nothing left!/ But that isn't whay they want. They don't want anyONE left, maybe. They do want, however, the resources and whatnot, correct?
/his chair smiling./ THRONE.
/He looks around the
room and takes a while to realize where he is./ how does he realize this? Does he see something relating to her much like what he could have seen in his apartment?
/REN slams the door in her face then falls on the floor and laughs
hysterically./I'd ask why he fell. Little too extreme for a movie. Perhaps doubling over, but not falling on the floor.
/Why did u do that?/
/Oh did u sleep well?/ you
/Why the hell u always kicking niggaz in dye balls!/ you. Watch 'niggaz' too. Could be controversial and offensive.
/Now get ur ass up and read that briefing! I
expect to hear from u later on tonight with
ur analysis./ *won't start on that you's needed*
Aright den DANAE, we gon see u later okay./ Beyond this, I give up.
You'd surprised./ you'd BE surprised.
I'm getting tired and I don't want to get into too many more comments. So here is the part that you wanted me to put down:
Ren and Justine are two characters who could be characterized as the perfect couple. Justine appreciates that Ren is considerate and romantic. He has prepared a romantic dinner for them on their six-month anniversary, his dormitory room is organized to enhance the romantic tone of the scene, and he also brings up the notion of some dancing, usually rumored to be what the perfect man would be like through surveys throughout North America. Justine, however, seems to be in command of the relationship. She is the one who brings up sex, often a large step in relationships. Ren organizes the evening around Justine and also leads most of the sexual intercourse. This marks him as protective and the most ready for advancement in the relationship.
| Pookie Belly chapter 11 . 12/13/2003
ok i know i havent written a review in a long while...i appologize for that. but newayz from what ive read i think that the story is progressing really well. i have a question though, what happened to Evanna and Grafton? do they appear again in the movie or was that just something to start off with, while reading i just realized that they were no longer in the story so i had to ask. in my oppinion, although the screenplay is really good, i think that its kinda "matrixy" in a way which is a good and bad thing. good, because the whole idea behind the matrix was so fresh and new which is kinda like what ur story is but ...bad, because some scenes and lines seem kinda similar to it. i cant really point out which ones right up in now cuz i feelin lazy :p. i guess when u go over it again u would probably see what i mean and if not well then thats cool, cuz then its probably just me who thinks so anyway. oh and another thing, what is up with ren cryin. is it that everytime he thinks about justine he cries or is he gettin a lil soft? just an observation i made. but newayz, i cant wait to see what happens next. btw, im lovin the story :)
| G.T chapter 11 . 12/4/2003
*applause* Brilliant story dawg. The overall story is an excellent blend of action, adventure, comedy, and romance. In my opinion, the action sequences of this story are the best. They had me on the edge of my seat. The attention to detail is phenominal. I could actually see every action...every special effect as vividly as if the action was unfolding before my very eyes. This is a great story. I'm sure that it has a cult following...and if it doesn't then dammit I'll start it! I usually don't post reviews (I prefer to talk with the author directly) but with this story I had to. Namely because I want to recommend this story to any and everybody who even has a faint interest in either action, adventure, comedy, or romance. For those of you who like to read reviews before reading the actual story trust me, you have to read this. Keep up the good work dawg. The story is shaping up to be an instant classic. P.S. The trailer was solid!