|Reviews for The Creation|
| Swatter chapter 16 . 4/13/2007
Oh gosh. You simply HAVE to update!
| Crewger chapter 16 . 12/23/2006
It reminds me of these RPG games that I used to play... kill someone, earn a prize, healing spell, all that stuff but with much more detail and emotions, go u! you just won the meelee prize!
| Witchmaster chapter 16 . 12/10/2005
Wow, long time, no read. Good to see you updated. I had to go back a few chapters and rearead - I had forgotten where I was.
Interesting chapters, with interesting styles of description. I must say that they want editing, though. Watch your verb tenses, they change in and out of past and present.
I look forward to reading more, hopefully soon, yes?
| rrmehta364 chapter 2 . 11/4/2005
interesting chappie, the characters definately seem to act like school girls, or atleast how they often seem to act. however, neither seems to show much maturity. i dont know if it would be normal for girls at such a young age be sent on missions. hmm...that would be the end of my comments. overall good job, and im looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 1 . 11/4/2005
interesting, good use of humor the characters seem interesting. however, i might want to question the realisticness of this part. to be perfectly honest, i know absolutely nothing about this kind of stuff, but the stunts they pulled seemed rather risky. anyways, if someone was dueling for one, itd normally be done with staves and not real swords. yes, that'd be my cc, but i must say the chapter made me smile.
| WHYamIhere chapter 16 . 11/3/2005
| Rozovian G chapter 16 . 11/3/2005
Hm... This was weird. You switched POV, and went philosophical... I hope this isn't your way of ending the story, because with this, you've just kicked in a whole lot of depth to that world.
Or so I see it.
You've got some very emotional language here, it's really mysterious. You go, girl!
(btw, the link to your other account goes to a .../7Etruewater, the ~ has ended up 7E... It might need a little reformatting...)
| Kat-Renee Kittel chapter 1 . 10/31/2005
I got stopped by the very first sentence. Take out "The sound of" and just say, "Clashing blades sounded loudly." This is a great beginning sentence, though, because it grabs the reader right smack dab into the action!
The sentences in the next paragraph seem to have too many commas. Perhaps a rewording of the sentences would help.
Still, the story definitely sounds interesting so far-two teenage girls learning the skills of fighting.
I like the color of Meryl's eyes-aqua with a tint of violet.
You might think of getting a beta reader. I have at least two readers who are helping me with my Cherish Fan novel series-believe me their input has been invaluable.
Kind regards, Kat
| Casey Drake chapter 16 . 10/28/2005
well, it has been a while, but this is very intriguing. Is she some sort of reincarnation or what?
| Will oooooo chapter 1 . 8/16/2005
Your first paragraph needs to be broken up into more sentences I think, but otherwise it contains some great imagery.
With the abundance of action and dialogue, this seems like it might be more suited for a comic-book then novel form. I'd be interested to see what you came up with using the manga medium, it definitely seems to suit your style.
| Rozovian G chapter 15 . 8/6/2005
(Let's see if allows this long reviews... I read all of it last night and am now gonna comment all of it... )
Heey girl... Sorry I haven’t checked your stuff out in such a while. Life kind’a has a tendancy to throw people around... Yeah, that’s what happened to me. Well, I had to read this whole thing from the start again to get back into it.
Oddest tint of violet... Odd is a good word for violet as an eye color. :P Er... Having read one and a half chapter, I kind’a have this feel of it being slightly childish, somewhat unserious and a bit naive... That doesn’t have me putting it down, and as I remember enjoying it last time I read it, however long I did read; I will of course keep reading it.
I’m now noticing some kind of time reference. Jeans. Unless you meant heavy pants of some other form... Well, fantasy is fantasy. Er... Casual is all the description I could find about Meryl’s combat outfit.
Never knowing what excitements lay ahead... Well, that’s usually the case. :P I know, it’s a common and classic and in no way an incorrect expression, it’s just... Emphasing the too obvious to be thought of. Er... Looks weird as a sentance of its own, though. Or then it’s my finnish english grammar that’s playing with my ”word view”.
’Monsters’... Oh well, nobody said it wasn’t FF-ish. :P Like I recall mentioning in a review before... As probably most of your reviewers and yourself... as I remember, anyway. ...It’s not necessarily a bad thing. A train... another time reference...
A ’status effect’? I wonder if it’s clumsiness, lack of terminological imagination, lack of vocabulary, or just plain humor. :P The snake got me thinking of the snake critters in the second chapter of my upcoming story. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe not. We’ll see. If you read it. (sorry, I hope you don’t mind meusing this as a small ad space...)
”...tried but coul’d keep a straight face...” I love that expression! Brava! Hey, what’d you say about my situation: reading an ff-ish story, listening to Juliana Theory, and trimming my nearly out-of-control moustasche while trying to ignore a slight headache at 0100 hours (1 am)? I’d say your story’s faring quite well, against the odds (headache, time... moustasche)... :D
Leaving a not? Chapter 7, when Meryl hauls herself back to the camp. That’s the first grammar bug I’ve seen so far. I know mine are riddled with minor speling errors and letetrs having moved aroudn, so no worries, just... fix it, if you enter the ”fix your stuff” mood or something. Good fight, though. Would be fun to see the creartures. You’re pretty visual, u’know? Jealousy factor seems to fit in more than well. Brava!
Gilbarad... That’s a cool character, I like him. Hey, another time reference... Ken’s watch. It’d be fun to get a picture of the team and their world, just to see whether to picture medieval or renaissance or mdoernistic fantasy or classic fantasy with modern additions or a typical ff world or whatever.
Cassandra asks in another sentence, even on another row, than the question... mid chapter 10. Food... Good. Rush... Good. ’”...I know that I can’t afford it.” (line break) Kenneth said...’ Bad.
Gets worse... Story’s fine, grammar... well, iot looks like you’ve got a for omitting words.
"Look." Ken finally said. "If you weren't so cynical all the time, I would of thought we." _thought of we...what?_"Lets the subject, please." Meryl said quickly _more obvious... but all the more confusion when the _ is missing_ Oh well... It’s worth keeping the classic sentence in mind: ”Check to see if you any words out.” :P Oh well... details...
Here’s something else... ”To! Helo..”? Just before that, there’s was a line break in between what Colleen said and how Colleen said. Happens.
Er... they’re on a moving train, right? Where is a ”safer location” that anyone could go to? Bagic barrier... Whe...!
”Meryl immediately turned her attention back to the battle sighing impatiently.” Hey uh... Was the battle sighing impatiently? I doubt that. Battles usually don’t sigh, especially not impatiently, at least not in my experience nor to my knowledge. You should probably rearrange the words a little here. Or shrug and say it’s humor... Though I recommend rearranging the words.
”...as quickly as an old man with a back problem.” That’s a mental polaroid I’d like to have developed, I mean... Now you’re getting visual in the best way. :D Reminds me of a comment a reviewer of mine had a lot of fun at... Okay, back to the story...
”Act like a profession?” How do professions act? I know professionals, and I know professors, but professions themselves... they don’t act that much, do they? (The bird sequence and all these bugs and stuff are in chapter... 12) btw... ”how and where.. ”shouldn’t it be ’_when_ and where’ ?
Long part about the bird... Now there’s been two full chapters and still going... Female ninja joined the fight, though. Er... chapter 14, ”...the now insane and raging bird...” I’d understand insanely raging, but no... Er... when’d it go literally insane? :P And about Meryl, at the ninja’s spell... her _version_?
I don’t know how often I’ll remember to check back for updates or anything, but if not else, once you’re gotten it all online, let me know. I wanna know how it ends... without having it spoiled. So... Keep at it, girl. The story kind’a feels like putting a video game like FF playing on it’s own. But er... 3 entire chapters about the darn bird?
I like the character chemistry, you’ve done a wonderful job portraying that. It’s educational too, at least for someone with my vocabulary with a lot of fancy terminology and phrasing and the lack of some ordinary words and no experience of any natural use of expressions in the english language.
Blah blah... Good job, girl. Some editing, and some finishing, and you’ve got yourself a really cool story. Let me know when you’ve got a few more chapters... And if anyone’s drawn pics of this story, show me!
In conclusion: I wanna read more...
| candycane-collage chapter 1 . 5/25/2005
Ha ha, cool. I love it, it's just great. Like me...lol (joking, I'm not too great) No, anyways, great story, I shall read more for sure, I promise.
| aknightsgoldenrose chapter 5 . 5/15/2005
great couple of chapters...this is a really cute story.
| aknightsgoldenrose chapter 2 . 5/15/2005
I noticed that in this chapter you used some modern day words like whatever. I know that I used words like that in my fantasy story and people would always tell me that I shouldn't use them. They don't seem to take away from the story here so I think its fine if you leave them in there. Oh and I loved the way you ended this chapter. Great work.
| aknightsgoldenrose chapter 1 . 5/15/2005
Nice first chapter. You could add a little more background detail about the characters but its fine the way it is. I am on to read the next chapter.