Reviews for Empty
Namir Swiftpaw chapter 1 . 10/27/2003
You're going to hate me, but that's okay. I don't like to lie to people to make them feel better. It's not my style. So...I apologize in advance for being honest.

This is not a good poem. I hate to say this, but all of your poems I have read have not exactly been good poems.

Now, before you email me whatever nasty message you are forming in your mind at this moment in time, hear me out. I've had many, many years experinece writing poetry and I am going to go out of my way to give you some tips on how to write a better poem...so listen up.

You're not exactly creating any imagery here, which is something poetry really relys on. You're just writing sentences and then placing them in poetic form. That's not a poem.

When you a read a poem, it needs to make you feel like you are experiencing this heartache - this emotional despair - Christ, you are EMPTY! I need to know that you are empty inside. Simply telling me you are empty does not cut it.

Let me give you an example of how I might have handled a poem like this (and let me tell you right now - I am not the best poetry writer! I personally don't like a lot of my works. But I *do* know, and this I can offer you, what makes a good poem...so pay attention!).

Alone...

My cold, dead heart aches -

A hollow nothing where you once were,

Stale, dead air where our memories lie.

Your eyes pass over me, dead, unseeing,

As my emotions flare up, but vanish once more, leaving me

Empty inside.

Can you see the difference? I realize what I just wrote there is not an excellent poem - I based it off your words and wrote it in a matter of 60 seconds. I just added more imagery, which is something you should do.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I am only trying to help.

Keep writing. You will get better.

Namir Swiftpaw
Pose For Me chapter 1 . 10/17/2003
OMG! This poem is like how I'm feeling about this guy I like. My friend asked if he liked me (without my permission!) and he said only as a friend, yet he talked to me a billion times at the dance (that was where we were when my friend asked him), yet we came back to school and we haven't even spoken any words to each other! But I'm constantly finding him staring at me... It' strange. I wish I could just wear a mask and be someone else for a while. Or be invisible. If only!

And it is totally weird how we both like Enya. Strange! But Cool!