|Reviews for Journey|
| Platypi chapter 2 . 11/22/2003
Thanks for the review!
On SorrowfulAngel: Although I agree with your sentiments about taking control and responsibility, you must realize there are some people who are not capable of controlling their actions and/or strong feelings because of their genetic makeup, surroundings, or past experiences. For such people, not all of what they do is their fault; and asking for help, of whatever sort, is never something to be ashamed of. Whether one has control or not.
On my past review: No prob, I enjoyed the story. I understand that you perceive your lack of punctuation to represent how you speak, but unless you talk terribly fast and incoherently, the sentence: "At first look Wolf Creek with its steady trickling current was no bog a deal but when Preston threw out a weighted hook and braced himself against a rock the whole world would have gasped at the specimen he dragged up out of the water" has some sort of break where you stop for breath. Every time you stop for breath, there should be some form of punctuation, usually a comma or semicolon. Only when you master the rules of grammar can you break them.
On new chapter:
Lack of punctuation still bugs me, but the characters are fascinating and the story is well-told overall. Some of the sentences in the first paragraph have trouble connecting; hard to tell exactly what you're saying about the mother and her Judaism in that last sentence. Great interspersing of dialogue and description. The switch of perspectives (from omnicient to son swelling with prdie to the father's opinion of his son not being able to bring back anything but a little bull bear) also is lovely.
You know "Jap" is a derogatory term, right? Seems odd for what the sentence is saying.
"hooked up with the son" - Hooked up is a poor choice of words, it has more than one meaning.
"lay in the pan as indifferent" - indifferent is modifying "lay", it should be an adverb: indifferently.
"A scraggly gray snouted bull" - where'd the bull come from? Seems random. Could have missed it. Oh I see "half dead bull bear"... I've never heard of a bull bear, that should be made clear when first talked about.
Incorrect grammar reduces the enjoyment of the storytelling: "The deep meditative silence of the Rockies coupled with the forlone cry of a distant wolf." is a fragment. The paragraph beginning "They ate in silence" should be edited for grammar, I found myself skimming.
| NurseDelilah chapter 1 . 11/15/2003
HAHAHA! and u know what else is SO god damn FUNNY! you find someone's poem and think it's okay for you to flame them when you my friend can't WRITE any better! YOURS DONT MAKE SENCE! and I cant BELIEVE you'd make FUN of people's mis fortunes! have you EVER heard of people WRITING down there feelings when there angry or upet? hmm i guess not cuz ur to busy talking bout some bull shit that doesnt matter! And your pathetic, u take pleasure in rising people's blood pressure!
| Platypi chapter 1 . 11/14/2003
There is some beautiful expression in this; it was quite different from what I expected though. More Romantic than hippie.
Maybe I just also love the Montana Rockies, though I've been there but once.
Lovely metaphors comparing this Aryan-looking boy to an Indian/Hiawatha; vivid descriptions.
There were also instances of cleverness I appreciated: "That's the only shot they ever took."
I think it must just be laziness that makes every sentence lack the necessary commas, but it's a shame because it made me skim more than I would have otherwise.
Only line I didn't like: You know the usual farm crew. It doesn't seem in the narrator's voice.