Reviews for Never Forever
mmoonsshiner chapter 1 . 3/29/2004
wow. you r in need of help and i am here to give it to you. someone else might turn a comment into a flame but hopefuly you can fix the mistakes before that happens.
The prologue is great. the 1st paragraph needs a bit of work, checkit over make sure u used the right word like in the 1st scentence where you have as longtime.. stuph like that can really ruin a story. Try not to repeat the same word too many times in a single scentence and make sure your imagery is clear.
Look over the dialogue between the characters to be sure they match up and make sence. Be careful of the change in perspective from 3rd to 1st person it really threw me off -*yet that didn't stop us from being friends*.- yet that didnt stop them from beoing friends.
the 1stscentence that mentions the ships name can be shortened, inside the bridge of the sniper...extremely small bridge_ shouldnt be in the same scentence. -pilots of the small Eneire-? i thought eneire was a title of the captian guy? You should insert commas in the dialogue where a person would pause in speech . when did u change from tunnel drive to warp hole?
great fight. i think welcome home would be a more impactful ending then at last they were home.
besides the usual bumps this is promising to be a very wonderful story . let me know if you would like me to continue with my review.
Nat