|Reviews for Blood Of Sorrow|
| Asuka the White Mage Healer chapter 1 . 11/23/2003
It's so cool! I really like the evil person. Continue working on it, i really like it! If you want, you can read my stories, In the Arms of the Guardian Angels and The Test of the Cards. Thanks! .~
| Jessica Night chapter 1 . 11/22/2003
Alright, I realize that I might sound a bit preachy, maybe even a little mean, in this review, but I swear I'm just trying to give you some tips. :) I hope they help you.
I thought the story itself was pretty good, but you overdid the the details on some things. For example: "grabbed the other shirt I pulled out, pulling it over my head and down to my waist". It'd flow a lot smoother (not to mention be less trouble) if you just said something like "grabbed the other shirt and put it on", because most people realize that when you put on a shirt, you generally have to pull it over your head and down so that it's not riding around your chest. It's not necessary to go into so much detail with the clothing either; as much fun as it is to tell people exactly what's in your head (and I know how that is _), clothing is never the funnest or most interesting part for the readers. If what she is wearing is absolutely vital to the story, then yeah, I can see where you'd be coming from, but as of now it doesn't seem that way.
There are twelve paragraphs in your story, and eleven of them start with "I" (although the exception, "I'm", is almost too close to count). A majority of the sentences start the same way. Use a little variety; I know that sometimes it's hard, especially in first-person point of view, but it kind of seemed to stick out to me. If you find no way to fix this, then that's fine. Maybe I'm being nitpicky there.
Several of the sentences in your story are run-on sentences. That sticks out to me almost as much as a fragment would. Example: "I finally reached my room after about five minutes or so and opened my door, and stepped in, closing the door behind me." The "and" just before "stepped in" doesn't seem right to me. In my opinion, "I finally reached my room after about five minutes or so and walked in, closing the door behind me" seems a better fit. It deletes stuff that doesn't seem needed ("opened the door") and gets rid of the run-on. Try not use the word "and" more than once or twice in a sentence. (I know you only used "and" twice in that particular sentence, but in this case that makes it a run-on.)
I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I know that most (okay, all) of my complaints were on the grammar, but in writing grammar can make a story or break it. As for this story, you don't really have to take anything I've said into account. I'm positive it'll be a good story regardless of whether you take my advice or not, but I really think that brushing up on your grammar (or perhaps just reading over what you've written a couple of times before posting to fix any mistakes) could make this story a lot better. The story itself seems appealing to me, and I'll check back to see how everything's going. Keep writing!