Reviews for Civilizations, Terran Front, First Front
Th' Tolimnes Davin chapter 3 . 12/23/2004
Sorry, forgot one thing in my last review. Another thing I think you need to work on is the fact that the story sounds too...well, how do I say this...modern. What I mean is, for a story set in the 3300's, it sounds like it's set in maybe the 2300's, and probably earlier than that. Look at what the world was a thousand years ago in the year 10. It was a LOT different from what it is today. Your world is taking place over a thousand years from now, but it doesn't sound nearly like it. Again, only trying to help. Don't feel bad either, my dad, whose read practically every sci-fi book ever written, has given me the same exact criticism before.
Th' Tolimnes Davin chapter 2 . 12/23/2004
It's okay so far, but I really must give you some constructive criticism. Not tryin to make you feel bad, you've got a great plot, really, but I think that your problem is that you're using your characters to get background information out. That's okay every now and then, but don't use it to explain the entire story. Your characters can't be omniscient, and it makes the dialogue kinda boring. Seriously though, no offense, and I'm trying to help you. I use to do the same exact thing in my stories, and as long as you keep working on it you'll end up writing an incredible story. I have to thank you for your reviews of my story, I very much appreciate it. Work on this story, it's got a good plot and great history, just be a little more efficient in getting it out.
TxAGunFighter chapter 22 . 6/21/2004
I just finished all the chapters in the first story. Must say I enjoyed it very much and can see some interesting development possibilities for future stories.
I love the charactors and story line. Very detailed and well thought out.
Keep up the good work, you got a fan as long as you write stories like this.
Neon Tetra chapter 7 . 1/26/2004
I just wanted to note that you have a gift for writing battle descriptions: as a reader, I sometimes feel like the scene truly is taking place in front of me; as a writer, I wonder how you manage to fit just the right amount of detail into each sentence so that it paints a vivid picture without slowing the action.
Neon Tetra chapter 4 . 1/23/2004
This is cool. It takes a while for things to begin to gel (so many characters and names all introduced at once), but, once I got into it, the story became very entertaining. I'm adding this to my favorites and savoring the rest.
An Inside Joke chapter 18 . 12/28/2003
What a sweet way to end a chapter. I hope Elsie eventually grows to trust people again.
Thank you for your reviews, I know the end to my last story was a little rushed. I knew how I wanted it to end from the very beginning, and I didn't want to give it away too soon, and I guess it doesn't make too much sense that way. I'm not very good at endings.
An Inside Joke chapter 15 . 12/23/2003
Yey! We get to learn about Jack's past! I wonder how much about all that Andrea knew?
An Inside Joke chapter 13 . 12/20/2003
Good development with Elsie.
Channeller chapter 1 . 12/19/2003
How do you know these things! As a matter of fact, red IS anger and I am writing that story RIGHT NOW! I'm planning this kind of anthology-type thing with all the different colours... if you want more info, check out EterniVision Cracked! w1. .
thanks for reading!
An Inside Joke chapter 12 . 12/18/2003
It's the future, and rations still taste terrible and cigaretts are still around. Hm. I feel sorry for Jack and Andrea.
Channeller chapter 2 . 12/18/2003
This is good! Very sci-fi! Thank you so much for your review on Peace. I have fixed up the formatting now - you were right, it looked horrible! I know I'm overly fond of the passive voice - Word grammarcheck tells me all the time... but I like it! :-) If you go to my website and click on Peace, you can get a pdf file, that might be easier to read? I don't know. Anyways, let me know what you think if you manage to finish it!
All the best,
Channeller
JanusMelina chapter 5 . 12/16/2003
I love the world building you're doing in this chapter. But one thing that comes to mind is that it gets easy to loose track of the characters you've got running. Sometimes I feel like I've got to go back through the book to figure out who is who.
An Inside Joke chapter 10 . 12/16/2003
But WHY does everyone think he's dead? And I'm not sure what purpose Vanessa serves. You're good at leaving out enough informtaion to make people curious without just being irritating.
An Inside Joke chapter 8 . 12/13/2003
Good chapter.
Medron Pryde chapter 7 . 12/11/2003
The only mention of "chin" in that chapter was talking about "chin turrets". That is a kind of turret loaded with weapons that hangs under the "chin" of a vehicle, most commonly seen on modern day helicopters. :-)
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