Reviews for Torn
bando2 chapter 1 . 1/29/2004
so true
Hail the Warrior chapter 1 . 12/15/2003
Good description of my feelings...loved it.
HtW
Miz E. Mak chapter 1 . 12/4/2003
As I said on WinterMoon, I like the simplistic nature of this piece and the childish, yet hardcore, faith you show through it.
As some people pointed out earlier, there are reprecusions to sin... but it feels good at the time (a lot of sin does anyway). And most people would rather have pleasure now and have trouble later then wait for the pleasure they are unsure of. There is a tearing force between sin and righteousness... this poem does a nice job of showing its struggle.
write on.
RandomGoth chapter 1 . 12/4/2003
Well i disagree with both of oyu, i think this poem is outstanding, can you not sense the emotions behind it? Feel the confusion, the struggle of the mind? Well even if you can't i can.
Yours in randomness!
RG
Alyx Bradford chapter 1 . 12/3/2003
I've got to agree with Wise - this could use a lot more imagery to make it more effective. More descriptive, emphatic language would be nice. This is sort of bland.
As for the theology... The lovely thing about being a reincarnationist is not having to worry about the fires of hell. Honestly, what a dismal view of the afterlife. I'll take my lifetime of pleasure, and many after it. Like Wise said - not everyting that's pleasurable is a sin.
P.H. Wise chapter 1 . 12/3/2003
More showing, less telling. Needs good, solid imagery. Look at examples of really good poetry - Song of Myself (Walt Whitman), or anything by Robert Frost.
Aside from that... this isn't a criticism of your poetry, mind you, but of your theology - I'm not really sure that I agree with you. The 'pleasure filled sins of this world,' for example, seem a whole lot less appealing when you see their consequences.
Having casual sex may seem pretty cool until one of your friends comes down with an STD, or gets pregnant. Getting drunk (not to be confused with drinking - nothing wrong with a glass of wine or a beer every now and then) is considerably less appealing an activity after a friend is killed in a drunk driving incident. Gluttony is fun until you realize that you're suddenly 200 lbs over-weight. Being lazy might seem a perfect use of your time until you realize that you're going to fail every class this year and will have to repeat the grade. Doing ecstacy or some such looks fun until you see the lives it's destroyed.
Sin hurts. It cuts. Divides. Destroys. But bear in mind - not all pleasures are sin.
Live. Experience. Drink the water, and feel the grass beneath your feet. Swim in the rivers, and climb the trees. Sing songs. Write stories. Know the abundant life. :)