|Reviews for The Tale of the Kythia Roqui|
| A-wolf-called-Skya chapter 3 . 10/25/2005
Hey! i got time tonight! '
anyways, to the critism first.
Your spelling was mostly right, and you didn't seem to rush in any of this except at the part we discovered Lenorin had broken bones. if he collapsed then and started groaning of wincing of those broken bones (ribs especially), he should have done it before the dancing (ex. bending down to feel the chainless ankles).Spelling, in what i meant, would be mostly grammatical. you would use the wrong word forms for different sentences (ex. "Wondered off" instead of "Wandered off") I definitely like! keep it up!you should review Dangerous Skies sometime. the first ten or so chapters aren't very well done (especially 2nd and 10th) but once you get to the sixth, i've improved quite dramatically. i'd love it if you could sometime!
| laerai chapter 14 . 6/21/2005
i like that the story is having added elements and the possibility that there is more to keanorin than it seems. i think that when you are using thoughts that are projected into another's mind, it would be of benefit to distinguish them from spoken work, by using italics, or different punctuation than the quotation marks.
i also think it's weird that janarah continued to call the head raider, shadow, 'father', when he is not in his presence. he doesnt like doing it, so once he is free from shadow's scrutiny, i think he wouldn't continue to do so.
finally, its never explained why allisa is so horrible. how she is worse then the head raider?
cant wait to dive into chapter 15! _
| laerai chapter 13 . 6/9/2005
nice long chapter. switch of perspective from keanorins camp to lenorins. i guess t he pov change is necessary to pull the locations off. but this current chapter doesnt seem so omniscient,which i like.
| laerai chapter 10 . 6/9/2005
Finally! Some explanation! You have a fantastic imagination, Kat. Fantastic storyline, names, worlds. I don't know how you come up with this stuff, and how you retain the patience to get it all out. You really inspire me. I'm good at editing, and picking things up from already written stories, but to write a narrative of my own is so difficult.
| laerai chapter 8 . 6/9/2005
I think it would be a good idea if you write a short paragraph or two ABOUT the day Drake's family had taken in lenorin, when his mind wanders to it briefly, and maybe explain why. its good for the backstory.
I really like the paragraph telling the Kythia-Roqui myth. However, you havent been telling this story so far from the omniscient perspective. its always through action, basically through keanorin's perspective. so to just throw that in there, without it being told, or read or learned, kinda seems odd.
And Keanorin has never seen venison? Deer meat? Yet in Rinortha I believe she has some other type of deer meat, so maybe that needs clarification.
Lenorin is talking about being taken by Raiders and the things he went through. and how he relives them in dreams. Is this the same as his master? Because he said he didnt understand their language well, at first. So eventually he must have come to understand it better. Does his master speak the same language as Keanorin? i think they interacted in the inn the night lenorin saved her life. if so, they could communicate, and if the master could communicate with lenorin in the master's tongue, then lenorin should have been able to communicate with keanorin. though, im thinking now that keanorin couldn;'t understand the reading of lenorin's sentence in the first chapter. so, all i know is, in the inn, there was talking, so something has to be looked at, lol
| laerai chapter 2 . 6/8/2005
The only weird things I’ve found is that for someone who has been so severely tortured and beaten, cuts, bruises, fractures and broken bones, Lenorin walks around an awful lot, running, dancing, and THEN he is shown to be injured. It’s only after all the commotion that he collapses… how can this be? Shouldn’t he have been too injured to do much more than sway? I’m guessing that he has broken ribs. Can’t have broken legs because he wouldn’t be able to stand, so maybe that needs clarification..
| laerai chapter 1 . 6/8/2005
its a good start. you have a good mind for storylines, but the execution is rough. im betaing this now, i think you;ll be getting alot of emails. im just doing grammar and basic things now though. i will say that some of your sentence structures seem really simple and repetitive. like he went here, she did this then they did this. i think it would help if you put more description in. especially of the characters. but i do like the storyline
| laerai chapter 16 . 6/9/2004
i wonder who the third will be. my guess is janarah.
| laerai chapter 15 . 6/9/2004
I really like the plot, but this went WAY too fast. It seemed like all these new characters popped up, some other things from the previous chapter dropped off, and she suddenly has all these new abilities... plus, the connection between her and Janarah needs to be explained better. It must be her compassion that came with becoming the Kythia Roqui, but its not explained well enough...
| laerai chapter 12 . 6/9/2004
You add new elements to the plot every chapter! I love these elements, but there has to be a way to make it seem that much of it is happening rather fast for her, without making the story seem too fast!... I love the endings... sort of dramatic and suspensful.
| laerai chapter 11 . 6/9/2004
The cloaked one is Ithan perhaps?
| laerai chapter 9 . 6/9/2004
There were some places were you could have lengthened. Like when she was digging. It should be more monumental.. and the whole reveal... and I sense the cloaked one is the opposite of the kythia-roqi... how the animals flee from him, but come to her... he's bad news... his entrance should be more sublte and apart... I like this whole thing though.!
| mystjen chapter 18 . 5/29/2004
the plot is really good so far! hurry up with the next chapters so i can find out what happens in the war already! lol!
there's only a few things...firstly...what happened to that wolf that was with keanorin some time ago? it kinda disappeared and yeah...i thought it would have some kind of connection in some way to her...
secondly...er...just sometimes the reactions of people seem a bit unrealistic...like they are able to forget the fact that someone is being tortured so easily and yeah...i dunno...i kinda get sucked into it a bit and get a tad annoyed at some of the characters light hearted reactions.
thirdly...this is only a minor one. P but...its spelling. lol! just yeah...sometimes you put the space in the wrong place and it confuzzled me a bit.
thats all there is really, but yeah...i like your writing style and the plot is awesome! hope to read the next chapter soon!
| Maiden of the Mysts chapter 17 . 5/11/2004
I love it...I hope that there is more to come very soon.
| RustPoisonedBlade chapter 16 . 4/24/2004
Hmm...very very interesting. I'd cut down on the profanity though.