|Reviews for Dune Earth|
| mythdreamer chapter 1 . 3/10/2004
WOW! one of the best Fics Ive read in a while. Im think you could publish it, and Ide buy it.
I like the start being action filled, though your discriptions are harmed by it (dont worry, we all do this). Give him more time in the cell or something like that to set it up.
also the city, though it plays a small part durring the ecsape, needs work. its to breif in detail to have as much realness as other landscapes/people.
I wish to congradulat you on the sandworm. its description was detailed, but not boring; realistic and beliveable, without running on. I was able to picture it in my minds eye with ease - not many authors can do that for me.
on your charaters discriptions: so far you have done well, but Im just getting fuzzy forms. all I see in Jason is a blond guy with lots of bruses. Ink is skinny. and Travis is a short midgit like figuar with green eyes and an allknowing smile (any six-year-old who thinks they know any thing has that smile, I should know, Im living with one who is almost six).
I dont know much about anatomy, but go find a book on it at the library and read a bit of it... (I did for art, and started seeing all kinds of things I needed to discribe). its the small details that draw in the reader... like noting wither a charater has high cheek bones or broad shoulders or big feet. though if you just SAY it, it get to choppy... a satement like: '...came crashing down on, Soandso's, broad shoulder...' is more efficave.
also Im thinking that Travis is a bit grown-up for a six-year-old... more like eight or nine. young enough to play the part, but old enough to not sound corny if he says some thing smart. (like thinking how dumb it was of Ink to sell Jay).
OK.. Im being a construcave critic. I hope this ensipers and helps you (not that you need help from *me*). Im not a real good writer, but I know what reads well, and I can tell you this reads well - it just has a few bumps that will flatten out. you could ignore them and be just fine, that is for sure. post more soon! Ill be back to read it. Im hooked and I want to know what happens next.
| franklin chapter 1 . 1/30/2004
I enjoyed your story, Jacob. You kept me engaged the whole time. I agree with your friend that putting the reader in the miudle of the action is effective. On the other hand, I felt some background information was lacking for me to fully appreciate the characters' actions and reactions to things that occurred. For example, if the gladiator was half delirious and struggling to walk, how could he have broken a lion's back? His strength must have been nonhuman, yet there was no build-up for the reader about this character's superhuman power. Even though this is a fantasy, the impossible still has to seem possible. For me, the events occurred too quickly to seem plausible.
Your vocabulary level was excellent for your age group. Check out the word "agape."
I will be one of the first to buy your book when it goes on the market! Keep writing!