|Reviews for Christmas in LA – A Short Story|
| shades of clear chapter 1 . 12/18/2004
:) Finally got around to finish reading one of your stories!
Overall, I liked it — the descriptions weren't too overly done, but you were redundant a couple times (I think you repeated some stuff within sentences of each other). Sometimes you have info dumps; they're not really jarring, but they're there. I think you might've used 'passed' instead of 'past' once, also.
Anywho, I have some questions that sprung up while reading:
Isn't three dollars enough to buy a small box of strawberries? I mean, at Albertson's and the like, I'm sure that's more than enough . . . but then again, I've never been to LA (driven through it, though), so I know about thismuch about stuff there.
Did Angelle die or not . . . ? I wasn't particularly clear on the end; it says she fell asleep, but she said earlier that she could only live for one more day.
Err — exactly how safe is it to have an eleven-year-old girl on the streets of LA?
The 'G' rating is a bit low for this, eh? ;
x_x I forgot the last question I had (I'm sure it'll come to me right after I leave the review). I found it bittersweet, though I didn't find it a tear-jerker. It had emotion and feeling to it, but they weren't strong or dramatic enough to really get me to cry.
So uh. Yes. :D Kudos on a long short story! I can never write any shorts past two thousand words or so. ; I envy those who can write long chaps . . . sigh!
(x) shades of clear
| The Paperback Mummy chapter 1 . 5/31/2004
You made me cry! No fair. *sniff* Anywhowaywhat, this was really well written. It was very fun to read. Eh, fun isn't the right word...you get my point, right? My point is, I loved it. )
| claw merryweather chapter 1 . 2/14/2004
Oh my goodness, this is so touching. I really like how you portray the characters. I can feel their pain. Wonderful story!
| LiCkInG-my-WoUnDs chapter 1 . 2/11/2004
Whoa...that was so sad and sweet at the same time. I liked it and it really made me think about how the homeless really got it bad.
| Kimei Yuruumoto chapter 1 . 1/27/2004
That's really good!
| Kakyou Takashiro chapter 1 . 1/25/2004
loved it! nothing short of that!
| idesel chapter 1 . 1/24/2004
well i guess it's kinda not christmas anymore but i like your story, only one suggestion, towards the end you refer to Gene as Clark, and i'm guessing that's just a typo so you might want to fix it if you have time
| Kim chapter 1 . 1/17/2004
Oh...Romance in LA without the pimps, hos, and crack dealers! Twas quite touching really, however it was odd seeing as how my Dad's name is Gene...
| Kazumigirl chapter 1 . 12/31/2003
Wow! Very good, and extremely touching. I really like this, the summary was eye catching enough, but by the time I got to the end, I could see the whole story ending in picture form right in my head! Good job!
| Mint chapter 1 . 12/28/2003
That was waay sad. I'm going to avoid all your other writings for now, HAHA. xD
It's rather different from your usual stuff (and YES I'm still halfway through All of Us Within *grumbles*) but I like this kind of writing !
Awesome story, really touching, and boy, I'm glad I didn't read it on X'mas, if not I would have been bawling till my eyes were all red.
| Shadowdragon66 chapter 1 . 12/27/2003
Aw so sad, poor angelle. Really very well written. Good work. But really, really sad,
| foxdance chapter 1 . 12/27/2003
Hiya! Woah, long one-shot you got there... Okay, fine, I write long ones, too, but it's just longer than your usual.
Christmas in the eyes of the impoverished isn't exactly the most original Christmas plot, but yours gave it life by going personal. You actually allow the readers to see the characters in their everyday life. I used a plot like this, too, for the script of our Christmas presentation (ours was a poor family), but using children instead of adults just makes it all the more striking. Somehow, it hits harder because you'd think that Christmas should be a time of merriment for children, but here we see a boy hardened by reality with an innocent, hopeful little girl for a sister, the opposite side of the spectrum. Ah, the guilt trip you impose upon us... I told you yesterday morning (CA time ) that I was thinking about whether my kids from social work had enough for Christmas, and this just piles it over again! o.O; I don't know what the urban poor is like in the USA, but here, the situation is worse. We don't even have shelters, OR free clinics. There are so many of the poor out there (60% under the poverty line, remember?) that we can't feed or take care of all of them (plus the government has no budget, we're deep in debt, etc). Ah, it's sad. We are so lucky to be so well off, you and I.
Okay, good story, but there were some things that confused me, though. Why did Angelle say, “Say... If Papa is a king, then does that make me a princess...?” It just popped out of thin air. Where did she get an idea like that? Did Gene tell her fantasy bedtime stories about their father being a monarch?
You know what, for something you just typed Christmas morning (while I'm bugging you on IM) and posted immediately, it's really good! Usually when I type stuff up on just one go and finished with a time constraint, they turn out unsatisfactory. You told me you were even rushing this to get it posted before Christmas ended (there). Haha, great job! The assembly line is absolutely efficient!
| Cynical Moonlit Child chapter 1 . 12/26/2003
aw! ::sniffle:: that was really cute, sad, and nice! really good for something thought so quickly! good job! i actually like this one! lolz dun worry, i like your other fics too!
| Cindy Moon chapter 1 . 12/25/2003
It's such a refreshing story to read.
Can't believe you did this Christmas morning. I wish I had your enthusiasm...
Keep up your wonderful work. Your writing is bringing smiles to many faces. ]
-Cindy Moon *)
| Destin chapter 1 . 12/25/2003
OMG you are such a great writer! Publish this as a short story, or manga. I was crying during the last pharagragh, and than Angelle died. It was so great! Very moving! Now excuse me, as I go too a city, and give children food, and presents.
...Ok but this makes me want too do this! Very great story.
This is going into my favorite stories. Sorry for my spelling errors in this review.