Great first chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one. It's sort of hard to read because everything is squished into one paragraph. Maybe you should seperate the dialague from the narrative parts? I'm just suggesting. Anyways, see you next chapter.

hey!
go0d chappie, ur go0d writin, just kinda hard 2 read with all the speech n stuff mixed in with everythin else, but thats co0l.. it was still fun 2 read
~ w1ngle55 ang3L ~

hey. i liked your story, has a lot of potential. write more, soon so i can enjoy ;) and if it's not to much to ask, do work on paragraphing as a whole lump sum of words is tough on the eye. substance-wise and enjoyable read!

I'm getting the feeling of this story. Just break them down into paragraphs so it's easy to read but apart from that 'C'est super, tres super!

Its really good, though can you space it out more?
Make paragraphs, its a strain on the eyes without them.
Oh, and nice use of cliffhanger at the end.
keep writing :)

hey great story. can't wait for the next cahpter.