|Reviews for Black Dragon|
| RuathaWehrling chapter 4 . 1/31/2005
Hello LordK! Sorry it's been so long between reviews. You know how that goes. Let me read a chapter before bed tonight, though...
1.) "Jerek liked overstating his virtue by understating his posession" - Wait a sec! If it's all golden, that's not much of an "understatement"! This sentence doesn't make sense.
2.) "two, Jerek really liked his face" - Haha! Also, you should really make "Two" start a new sentence, here. Ditto with "Three".
3.) "It must be a real pain trying to move this thing" - WHICH thing? At first, I thought you meant the statues. I know you mean the tent, but make that more clear, please. Also, how can a tent have a "hallway"? Can you find a better word?
4.) "It must be a real pain trying to move this thing, He thought" - Oh! Also, that "he" should be lowercase. I don't know if I mentioned it to you before or not, but I wrote a nifty little grammar review that talks about this sort of stuff. Check it out! Maybe it'll help make things clearer.
5.) " He was stranger." - Very nice phrase.
6.) ""N-no, that's not me either. I'm a dragonrider." The boy finished" - You should definitely check my grammar review. Look at the section concerning punctuation in dialogue. Then fix this. If you're still confused, email me! Also, chuck a period on the end of it, please!
7.) "We have to have one for this battle or we're disqualified." He mused" - Ditto.
8.) "He had been hiding for so long..." - Yes, and you'd better give me more background on his past at some point, Mr. Author! :)
9.) "Whatever. But if you attempt to touch me," -Do you want to keep this in the previous paragraph, since it's a continuation of the boy's thought?
10.) "What are you doing Shashir? " - Comma after "doing". And this whole attacking thing is rather surprising! But... wouldn't the boy have known his dragon was doing something so drastic, since they're mind connected? More importantly, wouldn't JEREK have heard from HIS dragon? You need to clear these details up for us to make the story feel "real".
11.) " "Tennikkian?" Akai asked, "Are you awake?" " - How much time has passed? At first, I thought this happened immediately, but from Shashir's behavior, that doesn't make sense...
12.) "alling back into his deep, although not unconscious sleep." - Um... Well, I don't have a problem with him being knocked out (ie: unconscious), but if he's not that, then I DO have a problem with him just falling asleep! I mean, that just doesn't make any sense.
This seems to be a decent story with some really awesome plot ideas, but if you want to make the story GREAT, then you need to go back and work on some of the littler details. I don't mind not knowing anything now (like about the kid's history or the no-killing-in-battle thing), but some things you've mentioned, like the mind link between the dragons and riders, could use more explanation. Also, you never explained how Akai can hear them think to each other, but no one else seems able to. If you can improve the detail level of this story by explaining things like that, I think you'll have a really cool story!
Good luck writing! - Ruatha
| Klawlancer chapter 8 . 12/24/2004
Sorry, I can't really say much about this chapter until the next one is , I'm finally done with exams and Next chapter of Tridome Chronicles is coming up soon.
(God do I advertise a lot in reviews.)
| RuathaWehrling chapter 3 . 9/16/2004
:) Hello! Thank you so much for all your excellent reviews! I'll email a response to them later, but I wanted to return the favor now, while I'm in a reading mood! Oh, and one way to make italics work is to save the document as an html file, and then post that. It's kind of pokey and annoying, but it does the job.
1.) " the duo had learned two important things about the camp: They laughed a lot " - Whoa! Who's the duo? The guy and his dragon? The guy and the girl? And who's "they"? The rest of the camp? The "duo" you mentioned?
2.) "except about one million times worse." This feels kind of... colloquial, I guess. It just doesn't fit right.
3.) You're missing a bunch of ending periods, again. Is that just a fictionpress annoying formatting thing?
4.) " Somehow Akai had managed to spread an odd, sticky mixture on the ground that grabbed everything it touched" - HUH? Wait a sec... When did this happen? Just now? Why is he all the sudden so angry? This paragraph was a REALLY big jump in his tone, and I don't understand it!
5.) " the mind-link that was once Shashir and the boy's was now Shashir, the boy, and Akai's." - This is a little awkward. Maybe ending it "now belonged to all three of them", or something, might flow better.
6.) "the more spark danced around her eyes." - "sparks"
7.) "her sitting, him frowning back up at her" - If she's sitting, he doesn't have very far "up" to look...
8.) "the ancient writings that had been discovered in the Eastern lands, The 'Zodiac', as it was called." - Maybe a dash instead of a comma after "lands" would break it up better? Also, do you realy want to capitalize "the"?
9.) "whose formal schooling had been less than five years" - Maybe "lasted less than"?
10.) "You what you look like?" - Missing a verb here, friend!
11.) "and there would be no dispute of that, or at least not within his presence." - Hehe!
12.) "The boy demanded, in a rage again, for, presumably, no reason." - Lots of commas here... Also, like I mentioned last time, "the" should be lowercase, since it's the rest of a sentence after a quote.
13.) Wouldn't he have gotten out of the goo BEFORE doing gymnastics?
Alright, so I've got to admit, I'm pretty confused about just about everything Davi did in this chapter. Oh, giving a false name makes sense, but his emotions just seem to jump all over the place for no reason. Maybe you've got some rationale for it that I'll read about later, but if you don't, you might consider toning it down a little. Confusion and anger is all good and well, but jumping between the two and then breaking out in tears is a pretty sure sign of insanity, and not much else!
Do me a favor, ok? Can you go through the next chapter and quick-edit it before I read it? Basically, I just want to make sure you understand what I'm saying about the dialogue capitalization and sentence continuation. If you don't have time right now, I understand. But if you do, would you mind fixing it? That way I don't need to correct repeated errors that you now know how to fix! Thanks - and send me an email either way. If you don't have time, I'll read the next chapter as is, anyhow. I'll just whine more! :)
| RuathaWehrling chapter 2 . 9/15/2004
Okie dokie. Here's a real chapter...
1.) " the four Great Lights have turned their face " - "faces"?
2.) "Crusade on, men! " - Can you use "crusade" that way?
3.) "shone brightly on Jerek Falwett, as he finished his speech" - No comma, please.
4.) How can a speech be "illustrated"?
5.) "the young man who ventured into the encampment just as Jerek was beginning his speech, with a long face and a softly muttered," - Technically, you just said JEREK had a long face etc...
6.) "the boy and his dragon slowly filed out of the camp" - Why don't they just walk up to him after he's done speaking?
7.) "These people are strange, I guess. The boy concluded" - First off, these next few sentences are all missing their concluding periods. Please fix! Secondly, "the" should be lowercase, and that period after "guess" should be a comma. That's a rule when using dialogue. For example, it would be: "I know where he went," answered the boy. Get it? If so, fix all these problems in your chapter (I won't point any more out). If not, please email me and I'll explain it better. Thanks!
8.) "tame the tresses, which was as dark " - "were", not "was" (plural!)
9.) " The people of Gaia set their clock by the darknesses." - "clocks". Also, this would be remarkably difficult, actually. Historically, it took many, many millenia for Humans to figure out how many days there were in an exact year (including the leap day, that is). Anyhow, you should just realize that this is harder than you suggest!
10.) "Now that the magnetizing blue gaze was turned away from hi" - "him"?
11.) "Too bad. I guess that's one of the disadvantages of being mind-connected." - HAHA! Go dragon!
12.) "Once again, he abruptly disappeared. " - Disappeared as in *POOF!* or as in "he ran away"? When you're dealing with magic or dragons, you need to make this clear, either way!
Alrighty! Now that I've read a real chapter, I can feel safe saying that this is a very interesting story. :) I'm curious to know the past of the boy (who's still un-named... hm...) and dragon. And why Akai can hear them, but no one else can. :) I suppose I'll have to read on for that. But for now, I need to work!
Oh! One more thing: if you like detailed reviews like this one, can you either send me an email or review something of mine and let me know? I don't want to spend my time typing it all out if you're not interested!
Thanks for the story!
| RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 9/15/2004
Hello! I ran across your name and decided to try one of your stories. And since I like dragons, it's got to be this one! :) I comment as I read, so it'll all be in order.
1.) I love Macbeth! Of course, Lady Macbeth is really more evil than her husband! ("Your face, my Thane is as a book, where men may read strange manners... Seem as the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it")
2.) "He, however, obviously did not." - Who is "he"?
Alrighty. This is too short to tell you if I really like it or not, so I'll hold off on that decision for another chapter. However, your grammar was excellent and everything pretty much made sense. I just don't know who "you" are or why "you're" saying this. Actually, I originally thought that this whole section was an author's note, and almost skipped it. The intro paragraph just makes it feel that way.
Be back for another chapter. Thanks!
| Storm Karstark chapter 8 . 9/4/2004
Eep! I've been lax in reviewing, I'm sorry.
This and the previous chapter are probably my favorites thus far, just because I feel that the story is really beginning to tell itself now, it's starting to pick up.
Keep writing, I'll try to keep reviewing! Thanks for all your reviews on my story!
| Deluminated chapter 8 . 8/12/2004
I'm liking this.
You seemed nervous about it being hard to understand. But I think that if you laid it all out in front of us from the start, it would turn boring. Keep it at your pace; keep it a secret if you want to. We'll keep reading to find out what it is.
I like the concept of the Greenstar, and Shashir needing the energy to it. And the speaking to each other subliminally is great...presents complications, so he can't think normally around her. Nice addition to the story.
I think the development of Shashir and Tennekkian's relationship is a key to the story. I encourage you to put as much about that as you can. Or you could go the other route, which would be to let us inferr it from context clues. Either would be interesting.
Don't worry about the e-mails. I understand. IM me sometime, though, or e-mail if you get the chance. I'm thinking of taking the story in a new direction. Well, same direction, different spin.
Nice chapter, LK.
| nightdragon0 chapter 8 . 8/7/2004
Hm, there's certainly more to Akai than Tennikkian knows.
I'm sure a dragon can nod perfectly well, but it's up to you after all. Heh, I can imagine Shashir likes fighting, but not traveling really long distances.
| Loki Mischeif-Maker chapter 8 . 8/6/2004
You updated and I didn't know! Sorry, I've been at band camp all week.
Anyway, the review. . . . I don't see why you think it needs so much editing. It explained a lot about Akai and the Green Darkness, although I love how you left us in the dark about the prophecy. The relationships are developing extremely well, and your dialgue is good.
A few minor grammar errors, the biggest one being the quotes are sometimes backwards.
Anyway, another great chapter (and one that actually, always made sense) and I'm looking forward to the update!
| Lily Pierce chapter 8 . 8/6/2004
Hmm, interesting, we're starting to figure out what's going on. And I like Tennikkian's crush on Akai. That's really cute. _ So, update soon!
| Casey C chapter 8 . 8/3/2004
Heck of course I'm reviewing and reading. I realize that it's not always possible to update quickly *nods*
Interesting chapter, thanks for explaining about the Green Darkness too! I can't wait to see what happens! Update as soon as you can and I'll be here to read!
| Deluminated chapter 7 . 6/28/2004
LK! SO sorry I didn't comment last time you posted this! I've held myself away, because my computer hasn't been letting me comment, and I wanted to be able to read and comment at the same time...first impression, you know.
It seems that some of the italics are missing...And once you didn't capitalize 'darkness' after the initial time, but I don't know what your intention is on that one.
It's been so long since I started the story that I'm having a hard time keeping up with details; I think I'll read it again.
It's too bad you're short on time, because I'd love longer chapters. Still, I know what it's like to have no time, and your songs are still coming out wonderfully. I sent you another chapter of FoC, did it get there? Again, so sorry of the lateness...
I absolutely love the having four suns notion. And calling the Earth 'Gaia' adds an element that keeps us out of our own time. Nice touch.
Sorry my review is so long, but I am really liking this story so far. Great job, as always, LK. E-mail me with whether or not you got my story!
| nightdragon0 chapter 7 . 6/24/2004
A little strange bits after the big battle, but I guess it should open up more as they go along.
| Lily Pierce chapter 7 . 6/22/2004
Not-quite-normal-names... yep, I know what you mean. _ I like his name though. It's cool. And Jerek is too much fun to dislike! I hope you've seen ROTK by now, because it really was wonderful. The last few thoughts in the Akai-Shashir-Tennikkian conversation aren't italicized, just so you know... Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter, and please forgive me for having waited so long to review this one!
| Loki Mischeif-Maker chapter 7 . 6/19/2004
And another great chapter . . . . This one, while shorter than usual, was still pretty good; it put Tennikan and Shasir's relationship into more of a perspective.
I don't have much criticism for this chapter, though I can't wait to hear more from Akai . . . I have no idea what question would help with the confusion, as I have no idea what we NEED to know . . . .
I'll check out your other story.