Reviews for Beyond
Katrina Gabrielle chapter 1 . 5/3/2005
snow? what is this?sorry, live in a place where we get NO SNOW and it SUCKSbut that's ok, I like how you start out with describing the snow coming and going, then the children, then animals, then watching the snow disapear. good descriptions as well, especially the first verse and the last two lines.*add to favorites* !
aNaRCHY aL waLKOSaK chapter 1 . 6/2/2004
this poem reminds me that everything dies eventually... i love that part of it...
Rionarayne chapter 1 . 5/23/2004
This may sound odd, but I liked your use of 'color.' The red faces, the green grass, the black night, etc.
I almost felt like it was changing seasons... very intriguing.
Rionarayne
LiL Angel with Wings chapter 1 . 5/11/2004
Hey! This is really good. I like it...its sweet. And hey, thanks for my reviews and for adding my to your favs! I hope you like my poems and find some that you can really relate to! Thanks, and good job! keep it up!
LiL Angel with Wings
Dreamer to Fly
Princess White Turtle chapter 1 . 5/11/2004
I had really been searchig for a good poetry and i think i have found it here. keep up the work.
SilverIcy chapter 1 . 5/9/2004
Great poem! i like it, it's beautiful..so keep going on your work!o
insertterriblypoeticlinehere chapter 1 . 4/23/2004
'Beyond the night.
Pale winter's cold embrace
Turns white the greenest green
And in the night.
Like glass
Snow shimmers in light
As it slowly melts
It turns once again
Back to water'
That was my favorite stanza. berry nice poem. enjoyed it. thanks for the reviews.
Rue Dragonfly chapter 1 . 4/23/2004
Very nice, your imagery rocks!
Thanks for review my work!
CaramelMacchiato chapter 1 . 4/18/2004
Even though the concept of this poem was initially a good idea, it seems to me that you tried to hard to put it into words. I see the picture behind the words, but it's too fuzzy yet, and I think if you edited this poem and made it a little less stilted, it would paint a clearer picture.
How could you make it a little less stilted? Use less words, for one thing. You tell a lot, but show less. That's one of the biggest problems that plagues writers all over, both amazing and mundane. When you write try to always have a dictionary/thesaurus close by and use words that you wouldn't normally use. Expand your vocabulary, so that you can start showing and stop telling.
What you could also do is stop being so general and be more specific. Don't just say "animals". Pick an animal and talk about it. Poetry is all about detail and you have very little of it in this poem.
Also, use more adjectives and less verbs. More metaphors, similes, personifications, rhetorical questions - things like that. That's one of the ways you can show instead of tell. Don't be afraid to be extravagant. Sometimes you benefit from it.
Overall, this poem has potential and so do you. Don't be afraid to go outside of the square, just don't try to walk before you crawl.
PS: You can get your poems centered as well. Depends on what type of word processor/editor you use and what format you save your documents to. I save mine to .html because you can center stuff that way and make them bold and italic and other such fancy things. You could just use an ordinary word processor of some sort ... just don't save it to .doc or .txt. If you need further help or advice, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm more than willing to help in any way I can. And another thing, it would also help if you put more paragraphs in your stories. It makes it much easier for the reader as well as for you. Trust me on that one.
Questionable Chains chapter 1 . 4/2/2004
I really like that bottom piece, "What becomes of snow once it melts?" Very unique way of looking at things.
Dracula Lord of the Vampires chapter 1 . 3/30/2004
Good poem. You've captured the spirt of winter becoming spring.
Sleeptime for Sun chapter 1 . 3/30/2004
Oh Kris, that was amazing! Thank you so much for reveiwing my poem. I'm kinda newer to this part of the woods, and it's always nice to get a friendly review. I really enjoyed this poem, it was so beautiful. Your a very skilled poet. Good luck with your future writings!
0 chapter 1 . 3/28/2004
i really really like this. there was a lot of imagery, and for me that's important. it has such a warm, friendly tone, but at the same time i could almost feel the cold of the snow. keep up the good work!
Linwe chapter 1 . 3/28/2004
Very interesting perspective. I love your usage of words and your stanzas are well organized. I liked it a lot.
Thanks for reviewing my poem!
Signed,
Linwe
KaseyLovesNoOne chapter 1 . 3/27/2004
You are very talented, and I like the emotion and the wording. Keep it up! )
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