I adore the detail. Definetly A material.

This is a pretty decent story if ya' ask me. Great job with the detail and dialogue you did very well. If you have a chance can you cehck out my story Shade Of Darkness: The Battle

Funny story. I was attracted to this because of the description. I can see why you got a 96 and not higher though.
WHile, it is funny you bog the reader down with excessive detail once or twice, and you need to proofread the work and fix the many mistakes. you spelt barely as barley at one point I think, among other things. THere were two mistakes every paragraph or so.
So that's about it.
FUnny though.
~
Tyger

Eh...I'm too lazy to sign into my FP account...oh well...This was really good! I'm not surprised that you got a 96 on it, although I honestly think this deserves a 99 (99 instead of 100 because you made a little error in the first sentence...you put 'cause' instead of 'causes', which would hav emade more sense) Nicely done, and keep writing!