Reviews for When You Believe
R.M.Whitaker chapter 2 . 9/18/2004
Another awsome chapter!
I love the idea of the whole story, and the way you write is incredible. And I love the way you describe the Savior.
But I don't think they would have used the word Christian untill after the death of Christ. It was rarly even used 30 years after His death. But I'm not 100% posetive on that... only 90%. So there is still a 10% chance that you could be right.
Update soon!
R.M.Whitaker chapter 1 . 9/18/2004
So far this story is excellent! But there was something that confused me. At the begining, you kept calling Miriam Rebecca. Does she have two names or something?
I love reading about this time in History. One of my favorite books, The Lost Scrolls, in the Tennishoes Among the Nephites series, is about some people in our time that find this cave that takes them back to the time about 30 years after Christ was crusified. Then the Jews were sold as slaves among the people and Jeruselem DID fall. Quite sad, really, but verry interesting.
Can't wait to read your next chapter! Sorry I babbled on like that.
Adelphia Montague chapter 2 . 5/15/2004
Overall it was pretty good; I think that your plot line is great. It has charm. However, there are some things in the writing, in which I found to have a little to many cliches, and Miriam's thinking of how Jesus was going to be the Messiah and all of that is to rushed. Also I think you might want to put a little more input into the Jew's point of view; to some people the messiah ment to them someone who would give direct action. I think the writing needs more dimension and you should think about how you could make much more creative metaphors and poetry in the piece. I hope you don't turn this into a 'Jesus loving' story, it would be interesting to have a little more variety in the point of veiws, and get across to a lot more people.
dolcegirls chapter 1 . 5/13/2004
i like it alot!i like the story line to..i realy got into it. cant wait to read more!:o)
Shadow Gryphon chapter 2 . 5/12/2004
_ Yay! An update. And a good one, at that. Facts are straight, plot is good, all that's missing is... next chapter! _
CraziCoconutz chapter 2 . 5/11/2004
*Cheers* Finally another chapter! Can't wait for the next except you made a few spelling mistakes you know with the stupid homophones and everything...but it doesn't really matter. Good work!
Shadow Gryphon chapter 1 . 3/31/2004
Hm, more historically improbable romances, eh? Well, I still enjoy reading them, so I guess it doesn't matter.
You might want to mention Mica's position, if any. A centurion, for instance, would be a Commander of Hundreds, one hundred soldiers. Secondly, don't put in much about horses, they wern't big on cavalry. And that's an understatement. The fact that they were weak on cavalry was one of the reasons that Hannibal found it easy to rampage through Rome.
And third, update! _
Battousai-kokoro chapter 1 . 3/27/2004
The plot really does sound promising and has captured my attention. Yet, I always have to say something to give you criticism. You had a tendency to repeat words as you went though the story. I would suggest a thesaurus, or perhaps you have an amazingly expanisve vocabulary and you don't need it. On a lighter note before I wrap this up, I like the time period you chose for your story. It was such a currupt time and it will make this story veru enjoyable.
KalliopesMuse chapter 1 . 3/26/2004
Did you by any chance name this story about the song "When You Believe" from the Prince of Egypt (the song the jews sang)? I love that song and I love the Jewish culture. Hope to read more soon.
Paris Moon chapter 1 . 3/26/2004
I loved your story! It was so descritive and I honestly love all of your work! Good job and please keep updating.
R.V. Kingsbury chapter 1 . 3/26/2004
this is a good start to a novel. Just a few things...
towards the end, you put in ridicules instead of ridiculous. It's probably just a typo, but you should fix that to make it read better!
I think you also slipped Rebecca in, perhaps an earlier version of Miriam's name? I actually think Rebecca might be a better name for Miriam - you have a few too many folks running about with their names all starting with the same letter. Gets little readers confused.
Also, your roman soldier's name isn't Latin. Most wealthy Romans had three names - a private name, usually Marcus or Gaius, those being the most popular names for Roman males. Then they had a clan name, ex: Caesar, Antonius, Scipio. Last came the surname, which was usually a nickname. Ex: Caecilius, "little blind one." Regular types just had a first name and a surname. Also, if your soldier is wealthy, he'd most likely be in some kind of commanding officer position, where he has no idea what's going on and relies on the centurions to tell him which way is up. But overall, good job.
Also, soldier's armor was in links and scales. Might be some good imagery there for you - snaky!
Just some thoughts. I'm actually a classics major at Holy Cross College on a full-tuition merit scholarship, so I LOVE latin fics. (Am writing one myself - Arthur's Daughter, set in Roman Britain.) hopefully i'd have some idea of what i am talking about.
looking forward to reading more
(the littlest bean.)
artemis obscure chapter 1 . 3/26/2004
i like it! really! there aren't many stories about the whole roman/jew issue here!
update quick!