|Reviews for Brimstone Ghost|
| MystofAvalon chapter 5 . 9/16/2005
That was really good, this one is going to my favorites list :-D
| PiccoTito chapter 2 . 7/28/2005
The story leads you in and the writing is well thought out. I like it. ;D. There are a few grammatical errors, but hey, those are easily fixed. Can't wait to see what's up next.
| Brooke ORiley chapter 5 . 1/3/2005
i'm going to ignore the critiquing part this time; just remember everything i said in the previous chapters, and that's what you have to do here. let's talk about the actual story here.
wraith is a very interesting character. i like him. of course, anything with a sword i consider fun, but i daresay that's not the point. and i really like his sword! i want one of those. oh, well.
melan seems like she could be interesting. you really need to update so we can see if she is...and what all will come of all this.
oh, one thing i wondered about...wraith takes out a needle and thread, then proceeds to do absolutely nothing with it, but rather give melan his sword and then sharpen his knife. was he intending to stitch up his own wounds? was she supposed to do it? does he magically stitch them? what's with the random needle and thread?
and on a totally unrelated topic...regarding your review. if you do review anything of mine, i'd appreciate opinions on "targeting innocents" more than anything. though it's fun to get stuff on my poetry, it's all nonsense that i don't really care about. i'm no poet, except occasionally when i want one to go with a story or when i need nonsense poetry, because that's just fun. but anyway. yeah, that's the story i'm focused on right now, the one i'm going to try to publish next, and i need feedback. particularly from guys...trying to delve into a guy's head, while fun, doesn't always work right, so it's nice to hear from a genuine guy that, yes, that is somewhat realistic. ya know? so whatever. goodness knows you don't have to, but if you really want to review something, that's what i'd like.
so now you need to update this! i think nine months is plenty break enough, this one wants attention. you still on christmas break? or winter break, or semester break, or whatever it is colleges call it? the perfect opportunity to write! mebbe...whatever. i'll quit rambling and go away now. try and update this!
| Brooke ORiley chapter 4 . 1/3/2005
ok. first off. you are never allowed to use the word "seemed" ever again. well...you can, but the point is, you used it waay too much this chapter. i can understand why you did, but it just...doesn't work. you could probably accomplish the same effect with just one or two comments about how the entire episode was surreal or some such...i can't quite find the word i'm looking for at present.
again, watch your proofreading, watch for run-on sentences, and watch for repetitiveness in your clauses and all. you've got a really good concept here, you've got very good descriptions and intriguing characters; what you need is, basically, a little better use of the language. it's a bloody annoying language to use, i know, all that grammar and punctuation and dialogue and nonsense...crazy stuff. but you have to be able to beat it into submission.
nice to have names now! fun ones, too...
it's interesting how in the first part of the chapter you do all of melan's dialogue correctly, and all of wraith's incorrectly. she gets the commas and the lower case letter for the rest of the sentence, he gets the periods and the capitals. i'm not quite sure where you got that, but whatever. just try to fix it.
and for the record, i'm really not trying to tear your story to shreds, but these things do need to be worked on, and once they are, you'll have something really good going here. proofing and editing is a huge pain, but let me tell you, it really pays off.
ok, reading onward
| Brooke ORiley chapter 3 . 1/3/2005
again, you probably have a reason for not giving names, but it would make the reader's life easier if we had some.
main comments this time- you need to proofread, watch for typos, etc. there are quite a few of them. also, at the beginning of the chapter, you keep switching from past to present tense and back. that simply doesn't work. at all.
and your second paragraph is ridiculously long. it might work better if you broke it into a few different paragraphs.
you begin two consecutive paragraphs with the phrase "in a voice that sounded like". that doesn't quite work. while the concept is interesting, the description of it is a tad monotonous. so maybe work on that...
again, it is intriguing and i'm curious as to what happens next. reading on!
| Brooke ORiley chapter 2 . 1/3/2005
i didn't see you had a story last time! i'm much better at reviewing these; i actually have a clue of what i'm talking about! _
so i realize you're probably keeping his name secret for a reason, and we probably don't really need the names of everyone else, but it gets very confusing and somewhat wearying when everytime you talk about someone it is "the insertadjective man". ya know? true, sometimes you call him warrior or some other such, but more often than not, it's "the something man". you also call the other people that. try and come up with some other way to describe them.
you're definitely descriptive; that probably comes of being a poet. and it may be that i'm just tired, and i daresay it's hard reading staring at a computer screen, but sometimes it's difficult keeping interest, or just keeping your place, with so much description. so you might wanna watch that.
you also need commas. i realize a lot of people struggle with that, but just try it. i don't know how much of it is not proofreading and how much of it is just not knowing, but try and find a way to get more in there. i can help if you like, but i hate pointing out every little thing and feeling like i'm tearing things to shreds. i'm no editor (though that might be fun someday...anyhow) more commas
watch your dialogue. sometimes you do it correctly, sometimes you don't. i'm not really sure what's up with that. but anyway, just look at that stuff. go back through, check it, look at dialogue rules if you need to. again, i'd point them out, but it's really hard for me to verbalize dialogue rules...kinda confusing. grammar books do it so much better.
despite all that nonsense, though, you've got a very intriguing beginning here. i'm going to go read some more of it, though i may not finish tonight if my eyes decide they're tired of trying to read a computer screen. it's annoying how that happens...anyhow, nicely done, i do hope you'll pick this up again at some point!
| Clever Fox Cub chapter 1 . 5/27/2004
Wow! What a great poem to start it all off! And it all rhymes! I could never write a rhyming poem... . ... Anyway, I haven't got time to read this all and REALLY appreciate it yet, so I'll just add ya to my favorite stories list. K? K! I'll review again later, but I hope you update in the meantime!
| Spirit of the Sacred Dance chapter 5 . 5/27/2004
This is really wonderful. I can hardly wait for more! Please continue soon. Your characters are so original, as is this plot.
| Cry Tears of Darkness chapter 5 . 4/30/2004
nice! story... 2nd one on here no? perhaps write more? and now ive reached the end... i think :p
| freethephoenix chapter 5 . 4/15/2004
Yay he's okay!
I think I need a glass of water now.
Do you think you could get me one of those swords? That would be cool.
Quick question, where did the demon idea come from? I am intrigued.
Keep up the good work! You're on my alerts list now so I'll know when you update, lol.
| freethephoenix chapter 4 . 4/15/2004
AH! Fire man is not allowed to pass out! No! Maybe he should have scanned the forest some more in chapter three and check for demons. Silly fire man.
Melan is such a cool name. I like M and A sounds in girl's names (if you couldn't tell by all my main charater girl's names).
I'm going to go read chapter five now. It better not end like this one... ;)
| freethephoenix chapter 3 . 4/15/2004
There's some grammar problems in the first paragraph of the third Chapter you may want to take a closer look at.
Interesting that you made the fire person like trees so much... seeing as how fire is bad for trees, is that a subtle hint at his personality? Nice Fire Man?
I want to have someone speak to me in a voice that sounds like fire... it seems pretty cool. He speaks the launguage of nature. Neat concept... maybe I haven't read enough nooks but I've never seen that before.
Nice work, on to chapter four!
| freethephoenix chapter 2 . 4/15/2004
O Flame Man. Nice.
Here's a story about how I THOUGHT I had you on my author alert list so that I would know when you posted new chapters... but really you weren't... so I didn't know you'd updated until just now.
YAY THERE'S MORE! I sense a theme of justice araising... let's see if I'm right...
| Gothic Wraith chapter 2 . 4/10/2004
hm, interesting so far. This seems to have potential to be published one day, but that's just the opinion of one eigth grade outcast who really need to get a life.
| JTM Aegis chapter 2 . 4/8/2004
Alot of CHURNING going on in the AIR. Maybe you should try varying your vocabulary? A thesaurus would help. Otherwise really good. I do greatly enjoy reading this. I might come back and finish it when I have time.