|Reviews for Earning Wings|
| emmy chapter 8 . 10/11/2004
ok ya i kno this isn't for this story but ifigured u would probably check this first. i really like the idea for ur "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". sounds cool! :) anyway it reminded me of that drawing i did w/ the eye and that phrase going around the pupil. u can use it if u want.
| emily chapter 8 . 8/12/2004
yay! new cahapter(finally)! so good, jessie! i love it!
| polkadot ladybug chapter 8 . 8/7/2004
o!this was a great chapter jess! lots i cant wait to figure out! keep up the updates, i'm looking foward to seeing what happens. I like Kathryn's charecter, she seems really nice- does she have any other friends besides Tillie? You used 'has' instead of 'had' a few times, but i'll trust you to fix that. ;) (in a few years. lol) good goin!
| Earthsong12 chapter 8 . 8/5/2004
Yay, another chapter! This one was really good. I dunno about Kathryn, though...and I wonder which boy it was that looked at Tilly? Oh, and what happened to hailey? She sorta disappeared. Anyway, great job, the plot is really moving along!
A few typos (I hope this doesn’t bug you, I’m very picky)(p means paragraph):
p2: “too fast”
p5: “trunks”, with a small ‘t’
p9: “while looking in the door”
p10: Is the stained glass peice a window? This wasn’t clear.
p17: Who’s the ‘she’ you mention here? At first I thought it was Erica, but that doesn’t make sense. Is it one of the other girls at the table?
p20: “too long”
p21: There should be a comma after the first “she said”
p22&23: “Mine’s” with an apostrophe.
p24: Who is this ”she”? Again it’s unclear. Also, the last sentence has two “from”s near each other. Maybe say “at the glares from the...”
p28: The first sentence is run-on-y. Try breaking it into two. Also, “Merfoots” should have an apostrophe.
p33: “whined”. Also, no “had” after ”Erica”.
p41: “while” with an h.
p42: “where” with an h.
p48: ”where” with an h. Also, “their sewing room” and “their sewing instructor”, not “there”. In the last sentence, it should be “coaxing”.
p52: I think you mean “all of it” in the second sentence.
p67: “semester had started”
p72: “while” with an h.
p95: “and began...”
p97: “than” with an a. Also, I think you meant “skeptically” at the end.
OK, that’s all! This was a great chapter. Keep it up!
| Khenna chapter 8 . 8/5/2004
A ton of chapters? That sounds excellent to me.
| pacopuppy chapter 8 . 8/5/2004
yay to this chapter! i loved it! write more! write more! e! are erica and tilly still gonna be friends? is anything gonna happen between nathan and tilly? is tilly gonna earn her wings? must find out!
yay! i reviewed finally. stupid laptop. gr. oh well, atleast i finally reviewed. yay! HYPER! ok, i'm done now.
| luckygrl07 chapter 7 . 7/13/2004
jessie! i love it, but then u already knew that. hope to have some stuff soon! sry i already guessed the plot. ur cuzzin- emmy
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 7 . 7/6/2004
Very interesting chapter here. Love to see how this is going to continue. I think the first six chapters were a bit fast so maybe you could rewrite those with more situations (I know this sounds imposible at first, did to me too, but as you grow as a writer it will become much easier to add scenes.) Another suggestion, I know you were trying to give us a long chapter as a gift, but I suggest that you make a chapter any length so that it is how long it needs to be. I think this had a good break, but don't get that into your head...or I'm just weird, hard to tell.
| WriterGrl11 chapter 7 . 7/3/2004
Very good. I know you don't care much for constructive criticism, but I'm going to give you some. This chapter confused me a bit. I understood the basic plot line of what was going on, but I must admit that I was lost at some parts. You jumped awkwardly from Tilly's train ride to arriving at her home, and you never explained that she was going home first. Also, you never wrote about what happened to Nathan and Erica. Were they going to the same place as Tilly? Why were they on the same train? I was a little befuddled about the two cities, but I think I got that straightened out. Also the sentence that goes something like "It was a rich city, if you didn't count the slums" is contradicting itself. I personally think it would have sounded a bit better if you had said something like "Although the city was made up of mostly the rich, it had its slums too." Another thought: Does everybody know that she's a Barlance? I wouldn't expect common people to know that and spit at her. And also in the previous chapter you made it seem like she was going directly to the Queen's palace, not to a school of training. One more thing: Just a stupid minor detail I picked up, but what is the difference between a gauzy black robe and a black robe? Lol I don't know a thing about fabrics.
Just some suggestions for you to ponder, and I didn't mean to criticize, because it's an excellent story, and I REALLY want to find out what happens. I'm just offering my constructive criticism to help make your story better, and you are perfectly welcome to do the same to me-I embrace constructive criticism :)
| rachel chapter 7 . 6/30/2004
| Earthsong12 chapter 7 . 6/29/2004
Yaay! I love this chapter. The description is awesome, I can really picture these places.
Ooh, strange dreams. Especially if she doesn’t usually dream that much. Maybe a vision? I’m very intrigued.
Don’t worry about taking forever to write. You were at camp, so you have an excuse. I haven’t written in ages either, but I’ve just been hanging around home. I’m just lazy. *shame* Oh well. I’ll get around to it eventually. -_-
Some constuctive stuff, as usual:
paragraph 1: You don’t need the very last comma.
paragraph 2: I think “tilted her head towards” might sound better. You don’t need a comma after “from his trunk”. And ”which” would sound better than “that” in the next-to-last sentence.
p3: “He had only known this girl for...” Also, last sentence, “go into a daze”.
p9: Just curious-why re there dashes next to “-notebook-”? Also, in the last sentence, “seep through the glass, extinguishing everything to black” would sound better.
p19: Second sentence: “as any girls’ would be.”
p24: “where there stop was”, with an ‘h’. Also, this sentence is kind of run-on-y. Try “When they were an hour away from the capital city of Orisons, where their stop Goldenberry’s ride was, the conductor...”
p33: You need either a comma or an “and” in between “dropped” and “forgotten”. Again, “where” with an “h”.
p36: Ops, the spacing got messed up a bit. (happens with me all the time. I think my computer hates me.)
p37: “where” with an ‘h’! _ Also, ”and sat next to her” should be “and sitting”, to match “bringing”.
p40, last sentence: two ”cover”s in a row. Maybe ”stifle their laughter”?
p42: ”where” with an ‘h’! T_T
So! Great job, I can’t wait to see what the lady-in-waiting-ing is like.
| mary chapter 7 . 6/29/2004
really good story you have to write the next chapter asap
| pacopuppy chapter 7 . 6/28/2004
Very good Jessie. I love your style of writing. It's very good and a lot better than anything that I could ever write. NO joke. Keep updating! I wanna know what happens next!
| polkadot ladybug chapter 7 . 6/28/2004
Beautifully done :) I like the charecters you're developing Erica and Nathon into, Tilly, I've noticed, acts and thinks like you in many aspects. A suggestion is to use commas instead of parenthisies. Ex- ', except of Kara.' instead of '(except of Kara)' You change the mood in your story from suspencefull to light to gloomy very quickly as well. This could be considered a good thing or a bad thing- i just wanted to aware you. You decide. :) V. nice.
-Annabell *wink wink*
| Khenna chapter 6 . 6/13/2004
Thats okay...I would like an update...but I'll live...